I decided that the entry I posted a little earlier is a bit too depressing for a birthday blog, so I couldn’t just leave it at that, seeing as I am actually in quite a good mood today!

Thanks to all those who have made me feel special today with your lovely messages, comments, texts, calls, cards, emails, etc! Aww, I love you guys… *blush*

Thanks also to the lovely Diva, who has posted a beautiful panda cake for me on her blog – isn’t it the best??

I have a half day off from work and will be shopping/dining out/going to the theatre/cake-cutting/champagne drinking later on. Mmm.. :)

Am looking forward to a relaxing long weekend! Here’s to new and old friends, you guys have made me smile from inside out today! I hope you all have a great bank holiday weekend too!

MWAH!

I met up with an old friend yesterday. I hadn't seen him in more than 4 years, and for good reason.

We were best friends in Sixth form college. He used to have a good, kind heart and was funny and intelligent. We could talk about anything, he was a good listener and gave good advice. He took care of me. Now, he is the sort of person who refers to women as p**sy and talks constantly about women and sex in a vulgar and derogatory way. He is shallow, selfish and self-absorbed, we only talk when he needs a shoulder to cry on and he is just that bored. He has failed his university exams multiple times because he thinks that he is so intelligent that he doesn't have to study or go to lectures, and as a result is still there by the skin of his teeth, resitting exams until he gets old. Despite this, he still thinks he is more intelligent than god, and is always trying to prove it by making you feel stupid.

He started becoming like this towards the end of college (yr13), and although I began to despise him for it, we stayed good friends until the end of my first year at uni. By then, I absolutely HATED that side of his personality, but every now again, he would show me the good side and his vulnerability, the reason we became friends. Mostly, he was cruel to me, ridiculing me about my looks, my weight, my intelligence, everything, though there is and was, nothing wrong with me. A lot of people disliked him and told me I should stay away because he was constantly hurting me. But still I stuck by him because I believed that they couldn't see in him what I saw.

He had all but moved in with me into my Halls of residence, because of an alleged family row. He took up most of my space, food, time and sometimes even my bed (I would be pushed out or forced to share). At this point, he was always putting me down, especially in front of others, making me feel small and worthless. But still, I wouldn't believe what others thought - that he was deliberately setting out to hurt me.

He hurt me a lot, mostly with his harsh, cruel words, damaging my self esteem and my peace of mind. He would always later maintain it was 'a joke'. Still I stuck by him. I blindly believed that he was 'good' deep down inside. But more and more frequently, he would also hurt me physically. Once, I was hurled the length of a room as 'a joke' and ended up with an arm so black with bruising that I could hardly move it for a week. That was only one incident.

But still, I stuck by him, naive and trusting as I was then. I had gone through some bad times, I was fragile and needed someone, and he took advantage of that. I can see now that I was a gullible, naive fool . I gave him the benefit of the doubt again and again, because I couldn't believe that someone who was so ultimately good could turn into this monster.

The last straw was when I fell out with some of our other college mates. Something awful had happened to me just before that, and he was the only one who knew. I trusted him to keep it a secret (even though when I did tell him, all I got was a shrug and it was never mentioned again between us) but lo and behold, by the next day, everyone knew. I felt humiliated. Loyalty is a huge thing to me, and I couldn't see past that.

After that, although we still kept in contact, I kept it as brief as possible and it slowly fizzled out. He would call and sometimes I would answer, he would ask to come round or meet up and I would make an excuse. Since then, 4 years ago, we have only spoken a handful of times - when he has broken up with various girlfriends and wanted an ear to bend and a shoulder to cry on. Stupid me, would always lend a sympathetic ear, I just can't help it when another seems in pain. He would always, as ever, use the opportunity to be cruel though. I did still want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but by then I had wised up a bit more and just wanted a quiet life without the mental or physical torture. I had finally figured out that being friends with him was a lot harder than not having him around at all. I had to recover some self respect.

Yesterday though, he was waiting for me after work, so I had no choice but to meet him. I was under no illusions that he had changed one bit, and he hadn't; in fact, he was probably worse. I did want to meet him, not to recover a friendship, nor to reminisce about old times, but because it was like a test for me. I wanted to see if my self esteem had recovered enough, and if I have sufficiently grown as a person to be able to cope with this.

Guess what? He was his same old self - rude, obnoxious, derogatory, vulgar, cruel, hurtful and more, but you know what? He just didn't have the power to hurt me anymore. I know that the only reason he put me down was to make him feel better about himself, and I am no longer that naive, fragile, vulnerable little girl anymore. And whilst a part of me mourns for the loss of that innocent trusting side of me - it felt good to know that I have enough confidence and self esteem now to not let him get to me anymore. I look at all that I have in my life, and all that I have achieved so far, and whilst I know that I have some way to go, I pity him for his ignorance and his obvious unhappiness with himself.

So today, instead of celebrating my birthday, I would like to celebrate those of you who were there for me when I was weak, who helped me back on my feet and took the cloth from my eyes; because without you, I wouldn't be who I am today. You know who you are..

And as my dear mummy reminds me - today isn't a day to celebrate the day I was born at all - but to give thanks to the poor mummy who spent 25 hours in premature labour bringing her little girl into this world. So, Thanks Mummy... :)

But these things are just soo pretty... and it's my b'day on Friday.. ;)

Okay.. I know this one is a tad pricey..

This one, here on the right, perhaps?

Okay, still too much? :) Because I'm such a kid, I'll settle for this bubble gun. I've always wanted one! :)

I'm feeling a bit naughty so:

and isn't this stylish?

and I've always wanted one of these: Yes I know I'm a naughty girl :) but that's one talent I'd like to have!

Failing these, chocolate and hugs are always appreciated!! :D People say I'm hard to buy for, but I'm a simple thing really...

I was there as an unwilling participant – it was a grey, overcast morning and my friends had dragged me along to an outdoor football match/training session. I was half asleep, cold and was feeling very grumpy.

A few minutes into the match though, I noticed the coach. Cute, sexy, with longish dishevelled hair and the best brown eyes, but not my usual type; although there was something about him. I played on, not really taking much notice, although I was now in a better mood. As the game progressed, I felt that something again, every time he came near – tingles, like electricity.

As the session finished, I watched his retreating back as he walked off the pitch, and he turned as if he felt my eyes on him. Our eyes locked, and again, that something. Somehow, I knew that I would see him again.

To the bemusement of my friends, I asked to join them on their sports weekend – something I would never ever usually do, not being the sporty type. The reason was obvious to everyone – I knew he’d be there.

I spent the first day of the trip with my eye out for him, and to my frustration, I didn’t see him at all. I knew he was there though – I unashamedly asked those who knew him. I couldn’t understand these feelings that I was having, and this sudden obsession with this man. I decided to go sailing the next day with the rest of the group, to take my mind off him.

It wasn’t a great day to take the boat out, but we did so anyway. It was a mistake however, because the sea was angry and threw us about like the beads in a baby’s rattle. We knew we were in trouble, and as we were nearing the shore, the boat capsized and we were all thrown into the water. We all managed to get out unscathed, although we did attract a large crowd of onlookers. I saw him in the crowd, but at the time, I was concentrating on not drowning.

Later on, in the warmth of the hotel, after drying off and having been checked over, we sat and had a few drinks by the fire. I went to the kitchen to get another warm drink, and on the way back, I bumped into him. Quite literally, in fact. We both looked bashfully each other, but even though I didn’t know his name, at that moment I knew that I would spend the rest of my life with him.

He followed me into a quiet room, and kissed me. It felt as if I was being kissed for the first time, and I had forgotten how a simple kiss can make your insides melt and your stomach squirm. My hands were in his hair and on his (very manly) chest under his shirt, and his were, well.. everywhere.. I felt as though we had known each other forever, and I was in love, totally and unequivocally.

Then I woke up.

Yes, it was all a dream - albeit a rather delicious dream. It’s the second night in a row that I’ve had a steamy dream, and I’m liking it! Those feelings are so real and so full on, that I can still feel them. It puts me in a great mood for the rest of the day!

If only I could be transported into this world everytime I fall asleep – that would be fantastic. Meet you in my dreams? Yes please, if you happen to be a rather sexy man.. :)

This has been doing the rounds, and I thought I'd give it a go.

I AM: a shy girl and often people mistake that for hostility
I WANT: to change the world but don’t know how to go about it
I WISH: that life didn’t hurt so much sometimes
I MISS: the company of those departed
I FEAR: being without those I love
I HEAR: the laughter of children and wish I was one of them again
I WONDER: if I’ll ever let myself be happy
I REGRET: many things but know that this can only stop me from making the same mistake twice
I AM NOT: the sort of person who says nothing when an injustice occurs, to myself or others
I DANCE: because the music takes over my body
I SING: all the time, though I may not always be in tune
I CRY: often, I am a soppy thing
I AM NOT ALWAYS: able to express what I feel, which frustrates me
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: a great massage
I WRITE: not often enough, and seem to have lost my touch
I CONFUSE: those who try and figure me out – It’s impossible, I’ve tried and failed.
I NEED: a lot of hugs, love and understanding
I START: so many little projects and rarely finish them
I FINISH: each day by asking myself what I’ve learnt

One hour to go before I can leave work. I'm going to a barbi - but rain has been forecast, Lol. Typical. Pizza anyone? Hope you all have a great weekend x

I don't mean to be rude but I am pretty sure that someone here has very very stinky feet.

I'm not sure how much longer I can't sit here without throwing up. Now, how would someone go about hinting this, without being rude..?

Ick... eww... wretch...

Sorry, what a bad title. Anyway, the new series of Lost – what do you think?

At the end of the last series, I was SOOO gripped, I almost cried when it ended. I neeeeded to know what was going to happen. Then, a few weeks ago, when it was announced that it would be back on soon, I just didn’t feel that excited. Why?

Having heard that the cast have signed up to do 5 more series, it’s quite blatant that we’re not going to get to the bottom of things anytime soon, are we? Whilst Lost started off with a bang and kept us on the edge of our seats, for the entire 1st series, I think some of us fell off them in the wait for the 2nd.

Terminal frustration started to set in – just @#*&’ give us something, we neeeed to know!! Last week’s episode ('Orientation') with the button pushing was, frankly, yawn-inducing. Then, just when I think I’m going to give up and turn off, they put on a heart-warming episode that was just fabulous.

The message of last night’s Lost ('Everybody hates Hugo') was Hope. Overwhelming love, faith and hope. The bit that got me the most was Rose, who throughout the entire first and second series has maintained that she knew her husband had survived and was alive somewhere. Admit it, we all thought that she was in denial, clinging to the last shreds of hope. And then when Mike, Sawyer and Jin found the other survivors of the crash and it turned out that Bernard, her husband, was alive, I must confess, I shed a little tear or two.

It was a bittersweet moment when Sun buried the bottle filled with the notes of all the survivors, given to the ones who left on the raft, in order to keep the hope alive for all the others, despite knowing that she would have to keep this a secret and mourn silently for the possible loss of her husband and the other rafters. How selfless… It made my heart ache...

My fave bits:
Rose, knowing in her heart that her husband was alive, saved her chocolate bar for him (and his sweet-tooth)
Charlie and Claire and the peanut butter
The whole great big fraternal scene in front of the campfire (why, they might as well have strummed their guitars and sung cheesy songs)
Jack walking in on Kate coming out of the shower (sexual tension or what?)

That episode, cheesy as it was, made me realise what it is that I loved about Lost in the first place – not the mysteriously, nail-biting storylines, but the fact that every character has a story, a past, and are so overwhelmingly likeable. Plus, don’t you just love that ‘Whooooom’ noise just before a flashback? :)

Maybe I’m just a soppy git but I do love Lost…

I'm not having a good day.

• I came into work this morning to find that emails as far back as February have been undelivered and I had to send a million apology letters and re-send emails again. I'm still not finished.
• My Trichiasis, which is when your eyelashes grow towards your eyeball and keep poking you in the eye, is killing me and making my eyes stream. People think I'm crying. I'm not, but I might soon.
• I have PMT and severe mood swings. This makes me soooo rage-filled at the tiniest things, cry over everything, have low self-esteem and makes me hate the world. Chocolate usually helps, but not this month. I have had 3 Mini KitKat Chunkys, but nothing.
• PMT gives me bad cramps and makes me bloated.
• My bottom lip is itchy and is beginning to swell up. I am beginning to look like a collagen-gone-wrong idiot (this has happened before - it took days to wear off :,( sob..)
• My blind-granny is getting old and I'm worried about her.

Does anyone have anything that might cheer me up? Tell me a joke?

Reading this inspired me to think about all the famous people I’ve spotted over the years, and I thought I would jot down my own list.

So after pondering it over all afternoon, here they are. Not a very glamorous list I’m afraid, and certainly no A-listers (in fact, more D-list slebs than in one series of Celebrity Love Island) but certainly a few interesting faces.

1. Derren Brown, psychologist/illusionist, walking purposefully down Cleveland Street (near Tottenham Ct Road).
2. Neil Pearson, Richard Finch in Bridget Jones I and II and The Whistle Blower, getting off the train at Goodge Street Station, looking relaxed and holding a script.
3. Clive James, Australian author and TV presenter, walking across Waterloo Bridge, looking cold.
4. Darren Boyd, from Green Wing and Smack the Pony, in Selfridges on Oxford Street, browsing in the book department with his collars turned up and the flaps on his Russian hat pulled right down (as inconspicuous as Lily Savage, but I guess that was the point).
6. Chris Crudelli, Martial artist of Mind, Body and Kick-ass Moves, in the BBC White city building (where I did some work experience), wearing that same old black ladies coat he always does.
7. Jaime Robbie Reyne, Taj Coppin in Neighbours on the Jubilee line. We both got off at London Bridge (no I wasn’t stalking him, although I got on the escalator behind him and he has a v. nice bum!)
8. Mona Hammond , who played Blossom Jackson in Eastenders and starred in The crouches, shopping for vegetables in a grocers on Twickenham High Street.
9. Jacqueline Wilson, children’s author, came to my High School in 1997/8 to give a talk to the yr7’s. I walked past and peeked through a window.
10. Linford Christie, super athlete came into the Dixons store in Uxbridge, where I worked in my 2nd and 3rd yrs of uni, with his daughter. He looked much older. My colleague sold him an item and joked to him “Race ya to the till” which earned him a look of ‘I’ve never heard that one before’. Lol. On the same day, my mum was shopping in M+S and literally bumped into him as they were both choosing grapes – her first thought was that he was familiar and therefore must have been someone she knew, so she said “Oh, hello” whilst trying to place him. He smiled and said “Hello, how are you?” She replied “Fine, thank you”. He smiled and was at the checkout before she realised who he was. He came into the store once more after that day.
11. Robert Lindsay from My Family was also another customer in Dixons. He wore a great big hippyish white jumper and asked about printers, all the while looking grumpy.
12. Jimmy Carr, TV and Radio presenter – yet another customer – came in to look at digital cameras with his girlfriend. He was shorter than I thought and very crabby.
13. Okay okay, last customer – Shane Richie, minor actor Eastenders, was quite a regular customer. I saw him a lot around Uxbridge shopping centres too. On a slightly weirder note, in 1993, I was 10 and my family and I went to see a house (we were househunting) which turned out to be his. It was weird to see huge artistic photos of him and his now ex-wife (who is a Nolan sister) on the walls, and posters of the Musical Grease and other things lying around. I’ve been to Shane Richie’s house! Lol, not much to boast about.
14. Big Brother 1 freak, Nicola Holt in Topshop on Oxford Street, picking up armfuls of clothing.
15. BB3 idiot, Lee in the Pavilions shopping center, Uxbridge
16. Kathryn Drysdale, Louise from Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, in Euston station, buying a burger from Burger King.
17. Jay Chou, Taiwanese singer and rapper (?!) in the baggage area of Hong Kong’s Chek Lap Kok Airport, surrounded by police guards and screaming fans. As it happened, he was on my flight from Taiwan to HK.
18. Keith Duffy from the Irish boyband, Boyzone, and Coronation Street, walking down Oxford Street with what looked like a girl from the movie ‘Moulan Rouge’. Attention seeker.
19. Richard Mylan, actor - Coupling and The Bill, used to come into our family-owned Chip shop in Greenford before his ‘break’ into TV. He was a genuinely nice bloke and used to talk to me about his cute dog, Sally. I still have a huge crush on him… sigh, another one that got away :)
20. Ortis (Otis) Deley, from CBBC, in the shop window of Selfridges on Oxford Street. He was pretending to be a mannekin.
21. Jenny Frost, from British girl band Atomic Kitten, in Heathrow’s Terminal 4 in 2000/1
22. Michael Greco, Beppe di Marco in Eastenders, and Celebrity love island (LOL), in North Ealing. I was going past in a car – he had just gotten out of one and was wearing a too-big suit and carrying a portfolio. (Lol, looking for work?)
23. Rob Yeung from BBC3's Who would hire you? and How to get your dream job. Again, I was doing work experience at the BBC and was asked to go on location, not knowing I would be in front of the camera. I appeared in episode 7 of HTGYDJ, participating in a team-building exercise.
24. Sid Owen, aka Rickaaay from Eastenders, in Paris’s Charles de Gaulles airport, looking at top shelf magazines whilst waiting for his flight, He's just as gross in real life as on TV.
25. Richard Ayoade, Moss from The IT Crowd, Garth Marenghi’s Dark Place, Nathan Barley and Mighty Boosh, outside the loos in Wimbledon new theatre at the Mighty Boosh Live. He had short hair and is, in fact, extremely cute… sigh… Also met him when the cast of Garth Marenghi filmed a scene inside our family chip shop.
26. Comedienne Gina Yashere standing outside Piccadilly Circus station. The friend I was with went up to her and embarrassingly said, “Excuse me, but do I know you? Aren’t you from my church?” Despite lots of “No”s from the poor woman, she kept on saying “I know you from somewhere…” and naming locations. We almost had to drag her off. Cringe.
27. Aggie MacKenzie from How clean is your house? (the one with the glasses) in Debenhams in Birmingham, shopping for clothes.
28. Ainslie Harriet, celebrity twat, sorry - chef, and presenter of Ready Steady Cook, buying bags of toys and gadgets in The Gadget Shop, Oxford Street.

Looking at this list, it tells you quite a bit about me – where I spend my time, past jobs, and disturbingly, the amount of trashy TV that I watch and absorb. Quite a lot of Eastenders actors on there, you’ll notice, not to mention BB contestants. Oh the shame. I wonder too, how many ‘slebs’ I’ve walked past and not recognised (such as sports people – I’m not big on sports) or when I’ve not been concentrating.

Also, don’t you hate people who swoon at the sight of slebs? For crying out loud, leave them alone, they’re just normal people! Admittedly, some deserve more respect for their achievements than others.

So who have you spotted out and about?

This morning, on my way to the tube station, I encountered a young woman with 2 children. She was pushing a little boy in a cumbersome buggy on which lots of bags were hung (I know that leaving the house with children requires a lot of stuff!). The little girl, who must have been about 4 or 5 years old, was trailing behind as little girls do, looking at the flowers, stopping to examine a ladybird, etc., whilst the YW seemed to be in a huge rush to get somewhere. She was wearing distinctively un-mummy-like clothes: tight white top (white and kids never mix!), tight cropped trousers, and a pair of ridiculously high, strappy white sandals (of the sort that there are so many little complicated straps, it makes you wonder how and how long it took her to get into them).

A few drops of rain began to fall, and YW began to rummage in one of the many bags, saying “Did I pick up the umbrella?” and chivvying the little girl, telling her to “Hurry, because it’s going rain hard very soon!”
The little girl replied “Why did you wear those then?”
YW snapped “I got it wrong okay?!”

That made me smile. Kids, eh? And I’m glad I’m not the only one who gets the weather wrong sometimes!

Still, that’s not as bad as the time my little nephew (son of my cousin) pointed at my little Buddha belly and said (in front of many people) “Have you got a baby in there?” It made me laugh and want to die at the same time!

Kids, you’ve gotta love ‘em!

I wonder what I’ll be like as a mummy, and if I’ll be able to keep my identity as a young woman after I have children. Still, that ‘Yummy Mummy’ this morning could have been the nanny, I suppose! Hmm.

This tickled me :) Hell ya

Wasn't the weather this morning just dandy? It was absolutely chucking it down but I was well prepared with my big umbrella, or so I thought. Getting on the tube, I was only squashed between two very soggy people in waterproofs.

I went to work with two soggy sleeves.

And there's always someone who farts... Dontcha just love London Transport..?

A snog can 'cure hayfever' according to this article! I have Hayfever bad.. Any offers? Teehee..

Hello... welcome to a little slice of me. I'm a bit new to this, so come and say hello!