Reflections (18/10/2010)

By panda_eyed
I don't blog anymore, but sometimes I miss it. At first it was an outlet for boredom, then for things that were getting me down. Mostly, it gave me a place to talk and think freely so that I could better reflect on difficult or confusing situations. It allowed me to voice my frustrations and exorcise demons, without fear of being judged or reprimanded. I found amazing friendship and support amongst the blogging community, and I met some of my best friends I have today through blogging. Sometimes I come here just to read back old entries. They're the best indication of the person I was when I wrote them and of my state of mind at the time. Some of them I look back on and cringe because hindsight is a wonderful thing to have. But I won't delete them, embarrassing though they may be, because they are a reminder of the person I was and there are lessons to be learnt with every situation.

Take the relationship with the Spaniard for example. I read back on those entries and think, 'What the hell?'. I can see just how vulnerable I made myself to a man who really didn't care all that much, and all because I was so desperate to be loved and to find love again. I can clearly see now that I was in a place where, having ended one relationship that I was so happy in, I was determined to find something just as special to replace it. But life doesn't work like that, and I guess I learnt that the hard way. I spent months trying to convince myself that I cared for the Spaniard, when all I was doing was trying to hammer a circle through a triangular hole. And I didn't and couldn't see that at the time. I didn't blog about it, but we even sort-of got back together for a very short while. Now I look back and I want to slap myself for being such an idiot. I'd like to hope that I've grown up a little since then and learnt a lesson or two. But then, at the time, I thought I had too. Oh, the naivety... but, as I was saying, hindsight is a brilliant thing to have. I've said this many a time, but I'll say it again: I wouldn't change anything. It's been a painful journey at times, and I've been naive and wonderfully silly, but everything I've been through and the people I've met along the way have made me who I am today. And I'm still slightly crazy and making it all up as I go along, but I think I'm finally happier in myself. Here's hoping, anyway :)