I know I must keep positive, I know I must keep active so that all the progress I've made with pacing therapy these last few months don't come to nothing, so that I don't end up back at square one. I know I should count my blessings, that I don't have symptoms as bad as some people get, that I'm still able to get around without falling into a tired stupor. Somedays though, I'm so tired and this is one big uphill struggle. I just want to lay my head down and make the pain and the tiredness go away. I don't want to have to fight to be normal anymore.
At the end of last year, after refusing for more than a year to take medication for CFS, I finally got to a point where I was just too tired and too ill and knew that I couldn't keep fighting the disease with mere positivity and determination. One tiny blue pill every night was all it took for me to suddenly feel like I was back in the land of the living. If I had been religious, I would have gotten down on my hands and knees and praised the lord. I'm so glad I gave in because, you know what, it's alright to admit defeat.
With the help of that miracle tablet, I suddenly had my life back. I could go shopping without falling down half dead afterwards. I could go for long walks. I could go dancing. Of course, it wasn't all roses. I certainly still had bad days, still had to take it easy more often than not, but it wasn't half as bad as it was before. However, this month, the effect of the pills have started to wane, and, now, I feel like I did before I started taking them.
It's been the best 2/3 months I've had since I started to get ill with CFS, and just when I was starting to feel like I would finally overcome the disease, I feel like I'm back where I started. It's so spirit-breaking. There may be other medications, there may be other treatments that would help, but right now, I'm just exhausted and I don't want to keep fighting. It's just one big never-ending battle, and I've forgotten the reason why we went to war.