The drugs don't work

Category: By panda_eyed
I'm having a really bad day. The tiredness and pain of CFS/ME is really starting to get to me. This morning, I could barely walk because my hips ache and throb with every step and it feels like someone has replaced my blood with concrete whilst I was sleeping. And energy? Just the simple act of putting clothes on made me hyperventilate with exhaustion.

I know I must keep positive, I know I must keep active so that all the progress I've made with pacing therapy these last few months don't come to nothing, so that I don't end up back at square one. I know I should count my blessings, that I don't have symptoms as bad as some people get, that I'm still able to get around without falling into a tired stupor. Somedays though, I'm so tired and this is one big uphill struggle. I just want to lay my head down and make the pain and the tiredness go away. I don't want to have to fight to be normal anymore.

At the end of last year, after refusing for more than a year to take medication for CFS, I finally got to a point where I was just too tired and too ill and knew that I couldn't keep fighting the disease with mere positivity and determination. One tiny blue pill every night was all it took for me to suddenly feel like I was back in the land of the living. If I had been religious, I would have gotten down on my hands and knees and praised the lord. I'm so glad I gave in because, you know what, it's alright to admit defeat.

With the help of that miracle tablet, I suddenly had my life back. I could go shopping without falling down half dead afterwards. I could go for long walks. I could go dancing. Of course, it wasn't all roses. I certainly still had bad days, still had to take it easy more often than not, but it wasn't half as bad as it was before. However, this month, the effect of the pills have started to wane, and, now, I feel like I did before I started taking them.

It's been the best 2/3 months I've had since I started to get ill with CFS, and just when I was starting to feel like I would finally overcome the disease, I feel like I'm back where I started. It's so spirit-breaking. There may be other medications, there may be other treatments that would help, but right now, I'm just exhausted and I don't want to keep fighting. It's just one big never-ending battle, and I've forgotten the reason why we went to war.

9 comments so far.

  1. Anonymous 6:30 pm, February 19, 2008
    Oh sweet pea..........I can only imagine your pain. Please don't ever think that because you are getting a "helping hand" to cope with your illness that you are defeated AT ALL! It takes a bigger, stronger person to know when they need help and you my dear, are VERY strong for dealing through all of this day and night. Stay strong and remember to take things one day at a time honey!
  2. Flighty 9:33 pm, February 19, 2008
    Pandy please don't lose heart! You're bound to have some days worse than others, as indeed we all do.
    You know what you have to do even if it is hard for you but I'm sure that you're really not prepared to give up.
    Take care and hugs! xx
  3. daffy 8:20 am, February 20, 2008
    Hey girl! Keep going, keep your spirits up, don't let it get you down, stay focused. I can't think of any more upbeat positive things to say. Hugs a-plenty here and as much support as you need. We know you can keep going and you know you can come here and vent.
    No giving up! You have worked too hard to get the good days, they will come again. Love and hugs xxxxx
  4. Anonymous 6:14 pm, February 20, 2008
    Pandy, I'm so sorry to hear about this relapse. I didn't realize you could become immune to the magic blue pill. Have your doctors given any alternatives? I hope that very soon you will be finding some relief and feel more like yourself. BIG HUGS!
  5. Anonymous 2:06 pm, February 22, 2008
    Where did you go? I hope all is okay. Please come back to us Pandy!
  6. Flighty 6:09 pm, March 01, 2008
    Pandy I do hope that all is well and that you're okay as your absence is beginning to concern me!
    Take care and hugs. xx
  7. Anonymous 4:26 am, March 03, 2008
    We need to chat and compare notes sweetie! So sorry to hear you feel poo :o( I need to think of something to cheer you up, I'll get my thinking cap on!
    Love you loads poppet *BIG HEALING ENERGY HUGGLES* xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  8. panda_eyed 10:45 am, March 03, 2008
    Hey guys, thanks for all your kind, sweet words of encouragement. I'm feeling much more positive now, albeit not that much better. I'm coping though, and your support means the world to me. Sorry, I've been 'awol' and really sorry if I worried you!

    I'll be back very soon, promise.

    Love, Pandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  9. Anonymous 5:16 pm, November 08, 2008
    hi panda...i suffer cfs me too...i understand your pain and fatigue...we have to go on ...hope that 1 day we will climbing the montain.
    chao silvia

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