Not good
I'm not having a good day.
- I came into work this morning to find that emails as far back as February have been undelivered and I had to send a million apology letters and re-send emails again. I'm still not finished.
- My Trichiasis, which is when your eyelashes grow towards your eyeball and keep poking you in the eye, is killing me and making my eyes stream. People think I'm crying. I'm not, but I might soon.
- I have PMT and severe mood swings. This makes me soooo rage-filled at the tiniest things, cry over everything, have low self-esteem and makes me hate the world. Chocolate usually helps, but not this month. I have had 3 Mini KitKat Chunkys, but nothing.
- PMT gives me bad cramps and makes me bloated.
- My bottom lip is itchy and is beginning to swell up. I am beginning to look like a collagen-gone-wrong idiot (this has happened before - it took days to wear off :,( sob..)
- My blind-granny is getting old and I'm worried about her.
Does anyone have anything that might cheer me up? Tell me a joke?
A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the husband. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn`t gone too far when my wife`s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said `That`s once.`
We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, `That`s twice.`
We hadn`t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, `That`s once.`
SMART WOMEN
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb .... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner
4. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman
5. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck
6. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton
7. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr
8. I think-therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead
9. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler
10. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson
11. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner
12. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher
13. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem
14. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -Gloria Steinem
15. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night -Marie Corelli
16. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith Summerskill
17. If men can run the world, whycan't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee
18. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
19. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt
I hope you're feeling a little less blue now too! xx
Um...
Two drunk Irishmen are swaying past a house when they notice a black mourning wreath hanging on the front door.
They decide to go in to pay respects to the departed.
They hang about next to the grand piano in the parlour, mumbling, and after a while, they leave.
They get out the front door and after a baffled silence, one says to the other.
"Jesus Joseph and Mary, but that fellow had big teeth didn't he?"