I'm having a really bad day. The tiredness and pain of CFS/ME is really starting to get to me. This morning, I could barely walk because my hips ache and throb with every step and it feels like someone has replaced my blood with concrete whilst I was sleeping. And energy? Just the simple act of putting clothes on made me hyperventilate with exhaustion.

I know I must keep positive, I know I must keep active so that all the progress I've made with pacing therapy these last few months don't come to nothing, so that I don't end up back at square one. I know I should count my blessings, that I don't have symptoms as bad as some people get, that I'm still able to get around without falling into a tired stupor. Somedays though, I'm so tired and this is one big uphill struggle. I just want to lay my head down and make the pain and the tiredness go away. I don't want to have to fight to be normal anymore.

At the end of last year, after refusing for more than a year to take medication for CFS, I finally got to a point where I was just too tired and too ill and knew that I couldn't keep fighting the disease with mere positivity and determination. One tiny blue pill every night was all it took for me to suddenly feel like I was back in the land of the living. If I had been religious, I would have gotten down on my hands and knees and praised the lord. I'm so glad I gave in because, you know what, it's alright to admit defeat.

With the help of that miracle tablet, I suddenly had my life back. I could go shopping without falling down half dead afterwards. I could go for long walks. I could go dancing. Of course, it wasn't all roses. I certainly still had bad days, still had to take it easy more often than not, but it wasn't half as bad as it was before. However, this month, the effect of the pills have started to wane, and, now, I feel like I did before I started taking them.

It's been the best 2/3 months I've had since I started to get ill with CFS, and just when I was starting to feel like I would finally overcome the disease, I feel like I'm back where I started. It's so spirit-breaking. There may be other medications, there may be other treatments that would help, but right now, I'm just exhausted and I don't want to keep fighting. It's just one big never-ending battle, and I've forgotten the reason why we went to war.

If you have a minute or so, stop by Divastar's blog and leave her some kisses. The puppy who was so kind to me last week sadly passed away on Saturday night. He'll be missed.

I'm not having a great week in terms of ME/CFS symptoms, but I'm trying my best not to let it affect my life and my mood. It hasn't been difficult to raise a smile this week, and here's why:

• A Valentine's card from my "big black man, woof woof" from the lovely B [Divastar's doggy], despite the poor puppy being so sick this week. Get well soon, B!
• A parcel and a postcard for Munch, also from B (isn't he generous and thoughtful? Aww!). Thank you lovely! Munch is so chuffed! :)
• These gorgeous flowers (one of my all time faves):
• Looking forward to spending the weekend with some good friends, whilst getting as much rest in as possible, of course!

Hope you all have a great weekend. Be good, or not ;)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

• I ate waaay tooo much over the Chinese new year weekend. Honestly, I think my stomach has expanded to twice its normal size. Bleurgh.
  
• It's February the 13th and I still don't have a calendar. Call me stingy, but I didn't want to pay £10 for one at Christmas, and everything in the sale has been rubbish. I think I'll collect some nice pictures and print my own one. No idea what the theme should be though - any ideas?
  
• I miss my curls. Ever since I straightened my hair, they haven't been the same. Now it's just wavy and lank.
  
• Despite my new year's binge feast, my ex-boss told me I need to eat more. I think I laughed in her face. She needs new glasses.
  
• I am possibly a little too preoccupied with the way I look. I just noticed that 3 out of 4 points above are quite self-obsessed. Oh god, I'm becoming one of those girls.. :( Kill me now!
  
• Despite my contempt for Valentine's day, I do have a valentine this year *blush* And now to counteract that, some amusing anti-Valentine's cards (thanks P).

I'm cladded in red today :) Last year's post explains why. I already got my red money envelopes last night, and I slept with them under my pillow for luck. We'll be lighting up lanterns tonight and having new year's cake!

I reckon the weekend will be one big celebration too!

A happy lunar new year to you, whether you're celebrating or not! Hope this year brings you good health, luck, success and fortune!

Lots of love,
Pandy

The best things come in little packages -- that's true of many things: chocolate, babies, hugs, a text from a friend that makes you smile.

I've been a smiley thing recently because I'm learning to ignore the bigger things that get me down and just concentrate on the smaller, seemingly insignificant things, like taking a relaxing bubble bath, having a good natter on the phone, having a dance when a favourite song comes on the radio, having a good old giggle. In life, you have to take pleasure from those small things, especially when, like me, you have ME/CFS.


I wanted to show you something that made me smile recently -- look ------->

See that teeny tiny little shoot? That's the first germinated seed of my batch of chilli seeds, and one day, that tiny little seed will become a plant and bear fruit. It's amazing when you think about it -- that something as small as this vulnerable little shoot will grow to become a big strong plant. It reminds me of the fragility of life and proves that with a little determination, even the weakest can become strong. That's the beauty of this world, and the same thought strikes me when I hold my tiny little nephew in my arms.

That's my thought for the day anyway, but I shall leave you with a picture of another very small creature -- this time, a tiny crab that we found on the rocky beach of an island just off Hong Kong, where I went at Christmas. Doesn't nature just fill you with awe?

*edit* By the way, it's pancake (shrove) Tuesday today, so don't forget to get flipping tonight! Yum!