Tarepanda - he makes me smile with his pudgy cuteness. He's my mascot for several reasons:
- 1. He's a panda, which matches my blog name
- 2. Pandas are Chinese, as am I
- You often see him looking tired, lazing about or being clumsy, just like me :)
- He's just tOO cute, and so lovable!
I'm a bit ashamed of my previous post. Its not often I get that low, and I would like to stress that in between these times, i.e. normal day-to-day life, I'm okay, and not depressed all the time. I'm still learning about how to cope, this is relatively new for me, as I hadn't fully accepted the diagnosis until it was confirmed a few weeks ago. I guess I shouldn't blog during those low points, but you guys really REALLY helped a LOT, and it gives me great comfort to know that I have your support.
Anyway, moving on, I found a cool site recently that I wanted to share with you: videojug.com. What is it? Life explained. On film. Whether you're looking for how to make a chocolate and orange cake, how to change a tyre, or other more amusing ones such as How to get our of a car without showing your knickers and How to chat someone up on the train, this site has it all!
Here's a few of my faves from there:
How to insult someone using British Sign Language
How to make spring rolls
How to make a pina colada
How to eat sushi
and bizarrely, How to undo a bra with one hand.
Enjoy!
It's one of those days. CFS has left me feeling weak, achy, exhausted, flu-ey and twitchy for about three weeks running now. My joints feel like they're made of wood and I move like an old woman. Sleep gives no reprive because of the constant restless feeling in every cell of my body, and I often wake up feeling like I haven't slept. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but it doesn't get any easier.
I get by though. I work from home, I do nothing that doesn't absolutely need doing, and I'm bloody bored by it. People tell me that I'm brave, that I'm coping well, that I have a good attitude. I don't want to be/have any of those, I don't want pity or admiration. I just want to feel like a normal 23 year old girl. I want to be able to go out to work and still have enough energy to go to the gym or go out afterwards. I want to have days out and not be ill for the next week from post-exertional malaise.
I know it could be worse. Life has dealt me a pretty good hand so far, and I keep having to remind myself of that, to think of how much worse it could be. People think I'm coping; hell, even I thought I was coping, but this morning, just going through the normal morning routine, I felt tears running down my cheeks. They surprised me, because I hadn't realised I was upset until that very moment. I sobbed for a full fifteen minutes before I could pull myself together. I guess I'm just too tired of feeling overly-tired. I really thought I was doing a good job of living with CFS, but recently, I've had a lot of these little breakdowns and bad days, and I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams without noticing.
Imagine how you might feel at the end of a long shitty day when you have flu - your muscles ache, your body is tired, your brain is so exhausted that it hurts. You try and relax, but no matter what you do, you just can't get rid of this feeling. Now imagine having this everyday, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and facing the prospect of feeling like this for the rest of your life. You can't, can you? But I can. It's getting to me.
Current mood? Hopeless
It's Chinese New Year this Sunday! That means celebrations - parties, lanterns, bright colours (especially red), lots of food, new clothes, fireworks and red envelopes. This year, it's my year - year of the pig - along with my fellow piggies, Flighty and Lil Feather! To ensure that you have a lucky year, you might want to follow some of these Chinese superstitions on New Years day:
- Don't sweep the floor, as this signifies sweeping away good luck. People who are reeeeally superstitious also don't wash their hair :) (Do it the night before!)
- Wear lots of lucky red (so that luck knows where to find you, I suspect)
- Don't eat meat - this stems from back when people had to kill animals in order to get meat - no violence/cruelty on CNY.
- Cast aside any grudges
- Spend quality time with your family
- Give and receive red envelopes (with money inside) on New Years eve, and keep them under your pillow to be opened on new years morning!
To break open your own virtual fortune cookie,
clicky here. You can find out what animal
year you were born in too.
I'll be going down to Wiltshire, where my grandma and my mum's side of the family live. It's my gran's first CNY in the UK with us all, so it should be nice for her!
Whatever you'll be doing, I hope you have a great weekend, and a happy, peaceful and prosperous New Year!
Gung Hei Fat Choi!
Love Pandy xxx
Snow - it somehow makes the world seem a little brighter, just when you need it. It's one thing to look out of a window and admire, but there's nothing like stepping outside, feeling the cold, being dazzled, almost blinded, by the light reflected off the pristine white snow. There's nothing quite like being the first person to make footprints in the untouched blanket of pure, ethereal white. So white, it's almost blue.
It brings out the child in me, makes me feel alive. I'm glad that the first thing I feel when I see snow is still a childish excitement, of wanting to have snowball fights, making snowmen. I'll know that I'll have properly grown up when I see snow, and think 'Oh no, travel chaos..!'. I hope that never happens!
The snow is still falling thickly here, I hope it doesn't melt before I get the chance to throw a snowball or three :) I'm still having a tough week with the ME, but I'm feeling a bit more positive now. Thanks for your words of support, they were much needed, and helped me lots.
I leave you with a picture of poor shivering Beepy, wearing a new coat of white (he's the tiny black one):
I've been struggling lately, really struggling, with the ME/CFS. It's not so much the physical symptoms themselves, but the way they affect me psychologically when I'm feeling really low. Sometimes, I'm so physically weak that I feel utterly helpless, unable to do anything at all, unable to get my mind to work properly. That's when it feels like all the hope in the world has gone, and I'm battling against a current that's pulling me deeper and deeper underwater, until I can't see the daylight anymore.
I have cried many times this week. When I called in sick to work yesterday, I suddenly realised that even if I never went back, no one would miss me at all. I'm not needed for anything, no one depends on me. And not just at work either, but in real life too.
I thought about how nice it would be to have a job that I loved doing - they say that if you find a job you love, you'll never have to work again - and how much of a failure I feel, having settled for a job that doesn't challenge or excite me, where I'm not learning anything new or having to really think or use any of my skills. That's who I am, I need to be challenged.
Then I thought about finding a new job. But it's not that simple. I feel like I'm in a catch-22; In this job, I can work from home when I need to, and I have needed to. How would I cope in a new job, and who would hire a sickly person?
It's funny, because before this week, I had had a noticable improvement in my symptoms for about a month, and I was feeling happier, healthier, more energised. I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, I was on my way to recovery. The Chronic Fatigue clinic sent me a questionnaire to fill in, about the state of my mental health, and it was full of questions like, 'Do you often feel hopeless'? 'Do you often feel terribly alone and isolated?' 'Do you often feel like crying'?. I answered either 'not at all' or 'only occasionally'. This week, things have changed so much, and my answers would be yes to all.
Maybe it's just a bad patch, but this is the first time in a long time that I have felt this low. The ME has sucked up all of my confidence and self belief and I am unable to envisage a positive future anymore. All things considered, I'm a lucky girl - I have a job, I don't have money worries, I have some good friends. It's just that sometimes it feels like I can't talk to anyone about it, because they won't understand. I know should just pull myself together, but I seem to be incapable of it.
Oh dear, looking back at this entry, I don't know if I should post it. It just seems like I want attention and pity, and that's the reason why I don't talk to anyone about my ME anymore. I'm just so tired of bottling it up, for fear of people not understanding and not wanting to spoil the mood. Sometimes though, you just need to vent, and have someone stroke your hair and tell you that it'll all be okay.
I'm going back to bed now.
