The glass is definitely half empty

Category: By panda_eyed
I've been struggling lately, really struggling, with the ME/CFS. It's not so much the physical symptoms themselves, but the way they affect me psychologically when I'm feeling really low. Sometimes, I'm so physically weak that I feel utterly helpless, unable to do anything at all, unable to get my mind to work properly. That's when it feels like all the hope in the world has gone, and I'm battling against a current that's pulling me deeper and deeper underwater, until I can't see the daylight anymore.

I have cried many times this week. When I called in sick to work yesterday, I suddenly realised that even if I never went back, no one would miss me at all. I'm not needed for anything, no one depends on me. And not just at work either, but in real life too.

I thought about how nice it would be to have a job that I loved doing - they say that if you find a job you love, you'll never have to work again - and how much of a failure I feel, having settled for a job that doesn't challenge or excite me, where I'm not learning anything new or having to really think or use any of my skills. That's who I am, I need to be challenged.

Then I thought about finding a new job. But it's not that simple. I feel like I'm in a catch-22; In this job, I can work from home when I need to, and I have needed to. How would I cope in a new job, and who would hire a sickly person?

It's funny, because before this week, I had had a noticable improvement in my symptoms for about a month, and I was feeling happier, healthier, more energised. I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, I was on my way to recovery. The Chronic Fatigue clinic sent me a questionnaire to fill in, about the state of my mental health, and it was full of questions like, 'Do you often feel hopeless'? 'Do you often feel terribly alone and isolated?' 'Do you often feel like crying'?. I answered either 'not at all' or 'only occasionally'. This week, things have changed so much, and my answers would be yes to all.

Maybe it's just a bad patch, but this is the first time in a long time that I have felt this low. The ME has sucked up all of my confidence and self belief and I am unable to envisage a positive future anymore. All things considered, I'm a lucky girl - I have a job, I don't have money worries, I have some good friends. It's just that sometimes it feels like I can't talk to anyone about it, because they won't understand. I know should just pull myself together, but I seem to be incapable of it.

Oh dear, looking back at this entry, I don't know if I should post it. It just seems like I want attention and pity, and that's the reason why I don't talk to anyone about my ME anymore. I'm just so tired of bottling it up, for fear of people not understanding and not wanting to spoil the mood. Sometimes though, you just need to vent, and have someone stroke your hair and tell you that it'll all be okay.

I'm going back to bed now.

4 comments so far.

  1. Olivia 6:47 pm, February 06, 2007
    *strokes Pandy's hair*
    It will be okay, babe. It has to be.

    Now that you are getting help, your docs must hit on some combination of treatments and lifestyle/diet adjustment to ease things up a bit.

    You are right about your job but wrong about not being needed. Possibly they realise your value, which is why they employ you. If they didn't need you, they would have said goodbye as soon as your ME flared up.

    Perhaps one day, when you have learned how to strike a balance between work-life and the ME and found your magic bullet, you will find the opportunity to find new work.

    In the meantime focus on yourself. We are here to listen to and encourage you. Don't be afraid to share, with people who care for you. And make no mistake, there are more people who care than you can imagine!

    Both you and Diva need to rest up for this weekend ;)
    Lots of love
  2. Flighty 10:40 pm, February 06, 2007
    We all have low periods when we feel like this. I think that it's especially noticable at this time of year.
    I don't think I've ever had a job that I've really loved long-term! Work, like life, is a question of balance, compromise and ups and downs.
    Olivia is so right in what she says about being needed and focussing on yourself.
    Take care, stay warm and hugs.
  3. nikkipolani 5:13 pm, February 07, 2007
    I'm sorry you're feeling so low, Pandy. At least you realize that so much of your feelings of hopelessness are from the ME. And since you know that it comes and goes, you are wise not to make any major moves while you're in this state. Give your body some time to recover - do and eat things that will help it get healthier. You will be in my prayers. *hugs*
  4. panda_eyed 11:36 am, February 08, 2007
    Thank you all so much for your kind words.. your suppport means so much to me. I love you all xxxxxxxx

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