It's one of those days. CFS has left me feeling weak, achy, exhausted, flu-ey and twitchy for about three weeks running now. My joints feel like they're made of wood and I move like an old woman. Sleep gives no reprive because of the constant restless feeling in every cell of my body, and I often wake up feeling like I haven't slept. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but it doesn't get any easier.
I get by though. I work from home, I do nothing that doesn't absolutely need doing, and I'm bloody bored by it. People tell me that I'm brave, that I'm coping well, that I have a good attitude. I don't want to be/have any of those, I don't want pity or admiration. I just want to feel like a normal 23 year old girl. I want to be able to go out to work and still have enough energy to go to the gym or go out afterwards. I want to have days out and not be ill for the next week from post-exertional malaise.
I know it could be worse. Life has dealt me a pretty good hand so far, and I keep having to remind myself of that, to think of how much worse it could be. People think I'm coping; hell, even I thought I was coping, but this morning, just going through the normal morning routine, I felt tears running down my cheeks. They surprised me, because I hadn't realised I was upset until that very moment. I sobbed for a full fifteen minutes before I could pull myself together. I guess I'm just too tired of feeling overly-tired. I really thought I was doing a good job of living with CFS, but recently, I've had a lot of these little breakdowns and bad days, and I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams without noticing.
Imagine how you might feel at the end of a long shitty day when you have flu - your muscles ache, your body is tired, your brain is so exhausted that it hurts. You try and relax, but no matter what you do, you just can't get rid of this feeling. Now imagine having this everyday, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and facing the prospect of feeling like this for the rest of your life. You can't, can you? But I can. It's getting to me.
Current mood? Hopeless