Friends with benefits

By panda_eyed
I've just been chatting on MSN to a male friend, T, who I haven't seen or spoken to in a long time. Once upon a time, he wanted to be more than just that, but I didn't feel the same way. We tried to continue being friends, but I guess when a girl hurts a boy's ego by rejecting him, it won't ever be the same again. Shortly after, he moved away and the texts and calls got fewer and fewer until they petered out altogether.

I hadn't thought about him in a while, but I was pleased when I found him online today. We chatted like we used to before, lots of banter and teasing, until he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I told him no, and he asked me why not - a nice girl like me, and proceded to list all my good qualities. He said he's with someone now, and that I should be in a good relationship too. I told him, honestly, that I'm not looking relationship right now and that, at least for the time being, I'm happy as I am. I said, jokingly, that I wouldn't mind having a friend with benefits though, wink wink.

His reaction was unexpected. He swore lots, went very quiet for a while (all the while, I'm saying 'what..? whaaat..?') and then said, 'Why would you do that to yourself'? Bemused, I told him that it would be good to have the best of both worlds. He reacted like I'd just told him I was whoring for money, telling me that he'd never thought I was like that, and insinuating that I have no morals or scruples. Then it all went quiet, and that was that.

I'm bemused, I really am. It's not as if he believes in no sex before marriage, and he's had quite a few girlfriends himself. In the past, he's continually ribbed me for being a 'wild girl' (although I'm nothing of the sort). Why does he seem to think this is more sordid than it actually is? I only bought it up as a joke - I haven't said I've got a friend-with-benefits, so what's up with that? Since the conversation ended there, I sense I've lost a friend, and I have no idea why.

So can anyone fill me in? Why would it be so wrong to have a friend-with benefits? Why is it alright to sleep with someone who's your girl/boyfriend but not a friend who knows what you're in this for, and feels the same way? I know there might be chance that one of you might develop feelings, etc., and get hurt, but I don't think that was what T was worried about. And anyway, I've had at least one relationship where although we thought of each other as boyf/girlf, thinking back, it was more like friends with benefits. I'm annoyed and saddened that I should be judged this way for an innocent comment. I DO have scruples and I am NOT, as he insinuated, a floozy.

22 comments so far.

  1. Olivia at Work 12:55 pm, November 03, 2006
    Good heavens, you wouldn't expect a reaction like that from a friend, specially not a guy, and specially not in this modern age!

    I mean, even I've had a freind with a few but not all benefits, and haven't lost any sleep over it, and yet I was brought up quite strictly (all out the window since my mum is now encouraging me to put out a bit!)

    When I have to, I can compartmentalise, as we all can I am sure. So my friend I felt great affection for, but knew somehow not to let it get deeper.

    Anyway, I'm sorry your friend was not more tolerant.
  2. panda_eyed 1:01 pm, November 03, 2006
    Livs, I know! No one was more surprised than me, especially as he used to tease me a lot about stuff like this. I think what I'm most sad at is that he couldn't be more open-minded - if he doesn't want to do the same, then fair enough, but how is he able to condemn over a jokey thing I said?
  3. Olivia at Work 1:21 pm, November 03, 2006
    Maybe he's jealous, in many different directions...
  4. Livvy at Work 1:23 pm, November 03, 2006
    I don't feel like working today, i feel like catching up on all the blogs I have neglected for the past week or two, specially on P27...

    But then it is Friday and I am staying home tomorrow, not 100 horses will make me leave.
  5. Ames 2:14 pm, November 03, 2006
    That is so weird! What IS wrong with having a friend with benefits?! Surely it's better than having numerous one night stands. It's better to have that kind of arrangement with someone you trust than with lots of random men. How starnge. I'm with Livs..he must've been jealous as he once liked you but you never reciprocated that. Boys are weird!
  6. Ames 2:45 pm, November 03, 2006

    That was meant to be 'strange'. D'oh for trying to speed type!
  7. Feathers 3:13 pm, November 03, 2006
    Well I can't help... I have a husband and NO benefits! lol

    It did seem a rather extreme reaction. I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable with.
    Jealousy could be a factor.
    (sorry I haven't been to visit in a while, hope you are well!) xx
  8. pandy 5:52 pm, November 03, 2006
    Livvy, I don't think he's jealous. What do you mean by 'many different directions'? And I know what you mean about not feeling like working. I did nothing for the first half of the day and then had to force myself to concentrate. Yay it's Friday!

    Ames, That's what I said - about the one night stands. He seems to think it's just as bad. Boys ARE weird. And I know what you meant :)

    Hey Feathers, you're back, yay! I am fine, thank you, I hope you had a good holiday!
    Lol @ husband and no benefits, but I'm sure that's not true! Hmm, I'm not really sure about the jealousy thing. But we had a friend who was cheating on his wife, and he didn't seem to have a problem with the morals of that friend. I'm perplexed.
  9. Flighty 8:06 pm, November 03, 2006
    I'm just stopping by to say have a good weekend!
  10. Boso 9:04 pm, November 03, 2006
    As a guy, the only things I can think of is that he's jealous or he has feelings for you.
  11. Jia Li 10:59 pm, November 03, 2006
    what, now thats a strange I have had a friend with benefits, and oddly we are still good friends now, well its not odd. We are just good friends and once in a bit we slept together. But we still like each other.
  12. holllyberrry 3:41 am, November 06, 2006
    Hello Panda_eyed--nice to meet you!
    I'm with Ames--he's got to still have feelings for you. he needs to take a chill pill. he has no right to pop back into your life and try to tell you what's right for you. ah, well. have fun and just don't get attached, I say.
  13. nikkipolani 5:39 pm, November 06, 2006
    Perhaps he's developing scruples.
  14. Youngmum 8:02 pm, November 06, 2006
    LOL at Feather's husband with "no benifets"

    He is without a doubt very jealous. No guy would react that way unless he had feelings for you and just couldn't stand the thought of you with someone else. Deep down he's probally just ticked that he can't be the friend with the benifets ;o)
  15. Olivia 11:01 pm, November 06, 2006
    Aha, that's it, what Youngmum said!
    If he can't be the friend with benefits, then no one can!
  16. Olivia 11:02 pm, November 06, 2006
    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
  17. Olivia 11:03 pm, November 06, 2006
    Sorry, I ended up with a blank page after posting and just hit refresh...
  18. Seema 3:31 pm, November 07, 2006
    I think you guys have hit the nail on the head, any guy that can't have the gorgeous Panda will become a green-eyed monster when they think someone else is having a piece! Boys are funny creatures!
  19. Anonymous 4:12 pm, November 07, 2006
    It sounds like he's gutted he couldn't have you to be honest! Men! Pfft! :o)
  20. Buttons 10:35 am, November 08, 2006
    in addition to what they all said, a lot of blokes are very protective of the girly friends. he might be worried about you being taken advantage of and getting hurt :)
  21. panda_eyed 1:46 pm, November 08, 2006
    Flightster, thank you! I know I'm a bit late, but I hope you had a good one too! Aren't you lovely? :)

    Boso, I don't know - would jealousy be enough to explain that he doesn't want to associate himself with me anymore now? It's good to have a guy's perspective though, thanks.

    Jia, it's nice to know that you haven't let it affect your friendship. It's good to know there's someone else who's shared this experience.

    Holly - hello! Good point, after all this time, who does he think he is? Tuh! *Gets indignant* :)
    It was only a jokey thought anyway - I'm not looking for a FWB as such, but if I were to have one, then NER to those who oppose it!

    Nikki, perhaps. I didn't think of that. *Thinks* Thanks for the new perspective!

    Youngmummy, when we were friends, I couldn't imagine him as a boyf or anything other than a friend, and a relationship would never have lasted. I kinda hoped he'd accepted that.

    Livvy, I'm starting to think what Nikki said could be right. Maybe it's a combination of the two?

    Seema, a piece of Pandy? Lol, that brings up cute images. Boys are VERY funny!

    Gems - Pfft - men.. *rolls eyes* Hehe.. :)
    I guess he did keep trying to change my mind back then. I thought he might have grown up a bit, actually. But I guess a lot of men don't really grow up really..

    Buttons, I think that's definitely a big part of it. Maybe it's a combination of everything you guys have said. If he'd just have said that though 'I'm worried that you'll be taken advantage of' and talked it through, then we could've gotten somewhere. He didn't have to react the way he did. I guess it reflects his maturity level..

    Thanks you guys, you're very good at analysing a situation! xx
  22. panda_eyed 1:47 pm, November 08, 2006
    Phew, wasn't that the longest comment ever..?

Something to say?