You know the saying that, in every relationship, there's always one partner that is more emotionally invested than the other? That person is me. It always is.
We’re at the stage of the relationship when it’s time to decide what you mean to each other – is this to be a casual thing that will eventually fizzle out, or will we come to mean more to each other? I know that people love at their own pace. I know that it can’t be rushed. But I also know that I, personally, can’t be in a relationship that will go nowhere.
There are certain tell-tale signs that a girl looks for to determine how important she is in her partner's eyes.
Try as you might, you can't make someone love you.
August 14th 2008 11am. That was the last time I was in his arms.
I barely remember that morning -- the details have since faded away, leaving only a blur of images. When I think back now, the memory is simply of a dull ache in my heart, of the knowledge that those would be the final hours I would spend with my boy before we would be parted for a year. One year. It was never meant to be any more than that before we would have our whole lives together. How wrong could we have been?
The night before he left, we lay in each other arms, knowing that every tick of the clock meant that there were fewer precious seconds to spend together. We held each other and I cried, thinking of the void that would be left in my life when he'd gone. In the early hours of that day, we stood on the balcony in London Bridge, looking over our London. He said,"You touched my heart on our first date, halfway over Waterloo Bridge, when you stopped, took my hand and said to me "Look - that there is my London". And now it's mine too. Thanks for teaching me to appreciate the simple things in life".
That resonated with my soul. It was a memory I had all but forgotten, and it melted me that something I had said or done so unwittingly could have touched him so profoundly.
I remember the last touch of his hand, the last fierce hug he gave me, the last glance back as he stepped through the departure gate. When he'd gone, I wandered down the corridor of Gatwick airport and cried. And then my phone rang - my boy, calling me from the plane. He missed me already. He said, "Be strong for me". On my journey home, I could smell his scent on my skin.
That was one year ago this very day. We remain best friends, even though we both know that this will make it harder for the one of us when the other moves on. Despite the multitude of times I've cried, hurt and felt heartbroken and alone, I don't regret a single moment of our time together. I still wish things could be different..
I did something quintessentially English this week - afternoon tea at the Park Lane Hotel on Picadilly. It was a birthday present last year from the very generous Diva and Nags (thank you again!).
My friend and I arrived a little early, so we took a short walk through Green park to Buckingham Palace. The sky was moody and inky-grey, although it wasn't cold - again, very British!
We were seated in the Palm Court in the centre of the hotel - a beautiful room in Art Deco style. Since the atmosphere was very composed and civilised, I didn't feel right getting my camera out, but luckily there are some very good photos on t'internet!
There was a harpist playing sweet melodies, which was lovely and relaxing. We chose our tea from a large selection - difficult! I had Flowering Osmanthus, described as a "Sweet and gentle flowering green tea hand-tied around an explosive orange Osmanthus flower". It comes as a bud that opens up when the hot water is poured in. My friend chose Whole Rose Buds, which was so perfumed and delicate, it was like drinking crushed roses. Ooh, look, I've found a menu.
We were served some cute little finger sandwiches, each with a different type of bread - crab and cucumber, smoked salmon, coronation chicken, egg and cress, and beef and rocket. In my delight, I forgot to take a pic before I started, sorry!
Then came little fluffy scones - white and wholemeal - with cherry jam, orange curd, mandarin and pineapple preserve and, of course, clotted cream. They were heaven! I could eat these every day! The cherries in the jam packed a punch, as they were marinated in rum - yum! Having always been a very clumsy girl, I managed to drop a massive dollop of the blood red jam on the white white tablecloth and spent the next half hour trying to conceal the stain in order not to look like a ham-fisted idiot who shouldn't be allowed out in civilised society!
After scones, a trolley laden with beautifully presented pastries and cakes was wheeled over, and we each chose two: mixed fruit tart, coffee and banana cake, passion fruit panna cotta, and mango mousse. By this time, we were stuffed to the brim, but these were lovely!
All in all, it was a fabulous day, and a very memorable experience. We went for a spot of shopping in nearby Oxford Street afterwards. It's days like this that I love London :)
I sometimes get the occasional urge to bake, and that's what I did this weekend. I had been a two-day chocolate splurge already but, finding it still unsatiated, I decided that what I needed was a reeeeeally chocolate-y chocolate cake, with reeeeally chocolate-y chocolate frosting.
I warn you, this cake is extraordinarily good and HIGHLY addictive. At no time whilst making it should you attempt to put your face in the glossy melted chocolate mixture, not least because you'll contaminate the cake (not to mention burning your face). This will be extrEMEly hard to do, so a LOT of self-restraint will be called upon.
Tip: Make sure that you're the one who makes the chocolate frosting, so that you get first dibs on the saucepan afterwards. This will be messy stuff, as you'll want to get EVERY single smidgen of sauce from the bottom of the pan. It's really THAT good. I had chocolate on my forehead -- if my tongue where that long, I'd have licked that off too. I could happily eat a bowl of this on its own. In fact, next time I think I'll just skip the lengthy cake process and make this frosting instead.
That's not to say that the cake isn't good - it's more than good. The tart sweetness of the clementine is the ultimate partner for chocolate, as it cuts through the sweet, rich chocolatey-ness perfectly. It is simply deliciousness embodied. You could just take my word for it, or you could try it for yourself. Try not to eat the whole thing in one go though...
I found this conversions page, on Smitten Kitchen, useful for making conversions, especially from US to UK measurements
Chocolate and Clementine cake -- adapted from MyRecipes
350g dark chocolate, chopped
175g unsalted butter, chopped
6 large eggs – yolks and whites separated
175g sugar 200g self-raising flour
The zest of 2 grated clementines
5 small (or 4 medium) clementines, peeled and coarsely chopped
3 tablespoons orange liqueur or orange juice
1/4 teaspoon salt (if you use salted butter, omit this)
- Preheat oven to 170°C. Grease two 8-inch/20cm cake pans and line bottom with parchment/greaseproof paper. Grease and flour parchment, and set aside.
- Stir together chocolate and butter in a saucepan over low heat until smooth, refraining from diving head first into the glossy chocolate-y mixture. Remove from heat
- Beat the egg yolks and sugar in a large bowl with an electric mixer until pale and thick. Add melted chocolate mixture and beat once more. Now add flour and salt and - you got it - beat til smooth. Stir in zest, chopped clementines, and orange liqueur/juice
- Beat egg whites in a separate bowl with electric mixer til foamy. Fold egg white mixture into chocolate mixture one third at a time. Then, pour mixture into cake pans.
- Bake at 170°C for 30-40 minutes or until slightly firm to touch (cracks will form on top of cake). Cool on wire racks.
- Serve (warm if desired, or if you simply can’t wait for it to cool, like me!) with chocolate cream frosting
- Put cream and sugar in a saucepan on low heat, whisking ‘til sugar is dissolved. Before it boils, remove pan from heat and add chocolate, whisking until chocolate is melted. Add butter to frosting, whisking until smooth.
- Transfer frosting to a bowl and cool, stirring occasionally, until spreadable. You might want to refrigerate yours for 10-15 mins. I couldn’t wait til mine was cool, so mine was more of a chocolate sauce. Alternatively, put bowl in some v. cold water until thicker in consistency.
- You can spread the frosting between the cake layers or just on top of the cake. If, like me, you can’t wait, drizzle over top of cake and eat whilst warm. It's good, I promise!
