'Trust me' - but can I really?

By panda_eyed
'Trust me'.

It's something that's easily said, but not so easy to do. At least, not if you're me. I can pinpoint the moment I became less trusting of the human race. I'm going to tell you a story. It's something that I still think about a lot, and although it wasn't the best time of my life, it's made me who I am today. I still can't figure out if I'm better or worse for it.

I used to have a group of close friends in high school - about 7 or 8 of us. We would do everything together, tell each other everything. Needless to say, some of us were closer than others, and quite occasionally, we would argue and fall out, rifts would form in the group, and at least for a while, there would be much bitching and cattiness. All very normal for teenage girls, sure. When our GCSEs finished, we all went to different colleges but managed to still stay incredibly close friends throughout.

I thought we'd all be friends for life, as you do at that time. But towards the end of our A levels, two of the stronger characters in the group had a huge falling out - over something incredibly stupid, no doubt, because I don't remember what over. Nevertheless, we split into two groups, and didn't speak for several months. I remember that my 18th birthday fell in the middle of that time, and I was still on good terms with everyone. So in an attempt to reconcile the group, I invited them all to a birthday dinner party. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was upset and annoyed that the 'other' group didn't turn up.

But fair enough, I let it go, for the sake of friendship. We would soon all be going to different universities, and I didn't want to fall out over something so silly again. Eventually, our little group healed itself - the two friends that had fallen out in the first place made up, and whilst we weren't as close a group as we'd been, that was okay, because by now, uni had now started. Everyone was getting on with their own lives, making new friends, finding new interests. Old friends drift apart sometimes, that's to be expected.

The first year of uni should be an exciting new time, and it was for the first few months. I'd left home for the first time, was making new friends, new experiences and feeling grown up. But I was in a long-distance relationship at the time, and I could feel it coming to an end. We'd been together for years at that point, but then came a confession - he had cheated on me, not for the first time, and we broke up. I was devastated. Then something even more awful happened. I still can't say it or even type it - lets just say I was 'abused'. I only told one person about it. A good friend at the time, or so I thought. This person - lets call him Bob. I wanted some support, I got none, just a shrug of the shoulder, a joke made.

So imagine how happy I was when, one afternoon, out of the blue, all of my old group of friends turn up at my halls of residence. I was surprised, because I hadn't spoken to them in ages, and I had no idea they'd planned to come see me, but I was delighted all the same. I thought it'd be a nice distraction from everything else that had happened, and catch up with my old best friends.

With hindsight, I should have known that something was up - who just turns up unannounced in the middle of the day? I could have been at lectures or out doing something else. Anyway, I didn't know any different, and we spent half an hour catching up. Then I noticed that everyone else in the room had a shifty look, catching each other's eye, some looking very guilty indeed. You know what they had come to do? The two girls who had previously fallen out had decided that it was my fault, that I had been stirring things up between them and had told each of them lies about the other to ruin their friendship, despite it being quite the opposite. There were many other stupid accusations, all of which involved a cunning deception on my part. They made me sound like the villain in a bad novel. Then they let slip that Bob had told them about what had happened to me (even though I explicitly told him I didn't want anyone else to know), and instead of being there for me, they accused me of making the whole thing up just to gain sympathy. That was possibly the one thing in that whole sorry year that hurt me the most.

Many times since then, I have wondered why those two girls, people that I liked, respected and trusted, felt the sudden need to blame me for all the things I never did, why they needed to turn all our other friends against me too, and why they needed to rally everyone together to confront me that day. I guess it was just bully tactics, intimidation. We may have only been 18 at the time, and it could be put down to simple immaturity, but I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive what they did that day, especially the malicious way in which they did it, to try to cause me as much pain as possible. What could I possibly have done to deserve that?

Needless to say, I haven't spoken to any of those girls since. One of them sheepishly MSN-ed me a while ago, apologetic in tone, pretending it never happened. While she wasn't the instigator of it all, I still can't forgive the way in which she followed, like a flea on a dog.

That period is a time I try not to think about too often. It still hurts even after years. Whilst I could deal with breaking up with my first love and getting over the humiliation of being abused, I still haven't gotten over the betrayal of my best friends. I guess I'm still bitter. I only keep a couple of close friends now, and I'm very cautious with trust. I wish I wasn't, but once burned, twice shy, as they say. But I do know who my real friends are now.

17 comments so far.

  1. Ames 3:10 pm, November 30, 2006
    Aww Pandy! That's horrible! I never can understand when girls do that. I fell out with my best friend ages ago over something, which seemed big at the time but really wasn't.I was just being interferring so when I recieved an email from her, I thought it was to reconcile but it was actually just to call me cheap and that I was never going to be as good as another girl who I happen not to like..anyways (sorry I will get to the point!)some people are just not worth our time and effort because they can't be bothered to put in the return either. Although it saddens me that I no longer have her friendship, I'm always incredibly grateful of the friends I do have who love me and respect me a million times more than she ever did.

    Always here for you honey.xxx
  2. Anonymous 4:27 pm, November 30, 2006
    that is shitty. You know we all think your are special and you will have better friends who wouldn't do that to u, actually they arn't your real friends, they probly said those things about themeslves and needed a scapegoat and picked u.

    tuddles sweetie, remember I will be there for u!

    Jia at school
  3. Anonymous 4:31 pm, November 30, 2006
    I should also say people do that because they are jelous, you don't need people like that in ur life.

    It hurts for a wee bit, but after a bit you know who ur real friends are

  4. panda_eyed 5:17 pm, November 30, 2006
    Thanks Ames. Girls can be so mean to each other huh?
    In a way, I'm kinda glad I'm not still friends with them, because we could be so mean and bitchy when we were together. I feel completely different now, and glad of it.

    Hey JL, thanks babe, especially for the tuddles! I don't know why I suddenly started thinking about this stuff again, but the wounds have never really healed. Or maybe that's just me harbouring eternal grudges, I don't know!
  5. Diva 6:28 pm, November 30, 2006
    Those bitches will get their comeuppance one day and will learn to never be like that again, what goes around comes around, the horrible, horrible meanies! I totally understand your emotional armour and you shouldn't need to lower it for anyone because REAL mates will be patient while proving to you that you can trust them, anyone else wasn’t worth the time in the first place. We're here for you sweetpea anytime, and we're happy to wait for as long as it takes to prove we wouldn’t hurt you honey, we love and respect you far too much to ever do that. *MASSIVE HUGS* xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  6. Flighty 7:40 pm, November 30, 2006
    I think that everyone finds out who their real friends are over the years.
    Most of us probably only have a handful or so who we've known a long time and trust unreservedly.
    It's not the words that count it's the deeds. That's when you find out who your real friends are. We all learn the hard way, often being surprised and getting hurt on the way.
    Take heart Pandy!

    Thanks for your Snoopy ecard. I love it! He and all the Peanuts characters are among my very favourite cartoons.
    Have a good weekend.
  7. nikkipolani 9:23 pm, November 30, 2006
    What a horrid thing to do to a friend - to anyone, really. You know, though, you reap what you sow - and not always where you might expect. Those girls sowed some mean terrible things and they will someday reap.
  8. Jia Li 2:11 am, December 01, 2006
    I agree with everyone, they were horrid creatures and should never be spoken about again!
  9. panda_eyed 4:20 pm, December 01, 2006
    Aww Diva, you're just too too sweet *cries* Thank you lovely, I appreciate it *snuggles into the hug*

    Flighty, it's very true, what you said about friendship. I guess you can't go through life without being hurt. Thanks for your kind words Flighty. And I'm glad you liked the card - it had your name written all over it!

    Hi Nikki, so you believe in karma too. I just hope that they one day look back and feel ashamed and regretful. That might be enough for me.

    JL, lol, you're so right :)
  10. Boso 4:24 pm, December 01, 2006
    Wow, that's horrible. I would put it all down to maturity, maybe if it all happened today, your friends would act differently. However, don't let it bog you down too much.

    You're too special for that.
  11. panda_eyed 4:25 pm, December 01, 2006
    Aww.. Boso, why are you so nice to me..? *sniffs* Thanks lovely! xx
  12. Youngmum 5:20 am, December 03, 2006
    Wow, that is really terrible. I am so sorry that happened to such a sweet girl like you.
    Sadly those girls are probally still like that today.... some people change but usually people who are that mean stay that mean. And they can have each other... they deserve each other.
    Your better than them honey, so although painful at the time it was good thing because it opened your eye's to who they really are.
    Here if you need me....
  13. Buttons 3:34 pm, December 04, 2006
    girls can be bitches. inconsiderate and unthinking and too willing to follow the crowd. i know people like that and all i can say is that you're better off without them
  14. Olivia 10:45 pm, December 04, 2006
    Oh my god, sweet Pandy, you must have been wondering why I wasn't here...I read it on Friday and then a colleague borrowed my computer, and today I had no time for blogs.

    Well, I cannot understand this pack mentality of meanness. You can believe that those girls are not living as happy a life as you are. And also, they don't have REAL friends. They are just a group of girls facing each other so they don't stab each other in the back.

    Or something like that.


    Just as Diva and Ames says, we are here for you. Loyalty is our middle names. You are too soft-hearted to be hurt, as we are too, so we are here for you!
  15. Katja 11:06 pm, December 04, 2006
  16. panda_eyed 3:27 pm, December 05, 2006
    Youngmum, I do know who my friends are now, and I have a finely tuned instinct as to who I can trust too. Thank you for the hugs sweetness, you're a star xx

    Buttons, I know, I guess that's why I've had more boy best-friends than girls, they're much less complicated sometimes. I try and avoid overly bitchy people now!

    Livster, that's a great way to put it: 'a group of girls facing each other so they don't stab each other in the back'. I guess that's how it was really, and I'm so glad I'm not there anymore and don't have to watch my back.
    Thanks for being so lovely, Livvy!

    Aww Thanks Katja, hugs are always appreciated! *Hugs back*
  17. Livvy at Work 1:03 pm, December 06, 2006
    Awww don't make me cry in front of the computer...!

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