Frightened 18/11/2010

Category: By panda_eyed
I've been seeing someone for a while. I've sort of been keeping it secret because I'm afraid of jinxing it -- like I did with the South African when I waxed lyrical about him on this here blog and then soon after, got dumped.

It's bloody scary, this relationship stuff. It's alright at first when you're just 'seeing' each other, when it's just riotous flirting and a date here and there. But then, inevitably, feelings start creeping in and tangling things up. On the one hand, that's great, you know? It means that it's going well. But on the other hand, it's terrifying.

I feel so vulnerable. I think that's partly because the last few relationships have really knocked the wind out of my sails and left my self-esteem in tatters. It's also partly because, once more, my feelings - my ego, if nothing else - are liable to be very bruised if it all goes tits up.

I really like this one -- let's call him the Cute Nerd. But, because of the last relationship with the Spaniard and how that ended, every time it goes a little bit quiet or if I don't hear from him, I panic a little. It's completely irrational, I know, and it makes me feel a little crazy. With the Spaniard, not hearing from him was a barometer as to how he was feeling towards me. I know I can't use that to define this 'relationship' -- I don't even know if that's what we're calling it yet -- and so I'm just messing with my own head. I might feel better if I could tell him any of this, but I don't feel like we've gotten to that stage yet. He might see my insecurities and paranoia and want to run screaming. He might not, but I'm not ready to risk that yet.

As much as I don't want to risk getting hurt again, I know that it's not in my nature to be alone. Relationships, loving someone, is what I do best, and I'd like to see if this 'thing' could go that way, with time. I think I may have mentioned before that the thing that scares me most is ending up alone. And this time I know I must make sure that, if I stay in this relationship, it's for the right reasons, not just because I don't want to  be on my own. Luckily, right now, I'm having fun and the smile is being kept on my face. So time will tell, I guess. But that still doesn't make it any less frightening.
 

1 comment so far.

  1. rail_doom 3:32 pm, January 10, 2011
    panda, dont let fools of the past spoil the richness of life in ur future.

    im sure "cute nerd" feels the same way and time has the power to reveal all..

    ps u will never be alone
    BFF's :)

    PvM

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