I've been thinking a lot lately. How do you know you really love someone? I used to think I knew, and now I'm not so sure. I miss The Spaniard an awful lot. I haven't stopped thinking about him. I know it's only been 3 weeks since we broke up, but he's on my mind an awful lot. Did I really love him though? If I did, wouldn't I know beyond a shadow of a doubt?

We hadn't seen an awful lot of each other since the break up, but last Wednesday we had a really fun night out, and it ended on him telling me that he missed me and that I'm still on his mind. There were kisses and cuddles, from which we were both reluctant to withdraw from, and it left me awfully confused. He was very drunk, and told me that I'm the best - the best what, the best at what - your guess is as good as mine. He said he didn't want me to leave, but since there was so much alcohol involved, I knew that there would be a chance that the next day there there could be regret on his part, if he even remembered any of these events at all. I couldn't work out whether he was trying to tell me that he wanted me back or if he was just saying sorry for the way we ended up.

There was a point last week where I would have said for sure that I did love The Spaniard. When you love someone, you want to protect them, to shelter them from the things that hurt them and to soothe their pain no matter what, right? I felt that, so strongly, last week. I can't tell you the exact situation, but I just wanted to put my arms around him, hold him tight and make everything okay. Is that more than you would feel for a friend? I'm still not sure. I do know though, that I look for him online when I log on before bedtime (an old ritual of ours), and it still makes my heart skip a beat when I see his name in my inbox.

I wish I knew with some certainty what he wants from me. On my part, I still don't know what I want - I remember what the bad times were like and how awkward and lonely it felt sometimes, and that stops me from jumping back in. But I also can't deny the obvious chemistry we still have, and I can't forget the lazy comfortable evenings and weekends we spent together and the times he made me feel so special. Is it him I miss? Or it is just that I miss having someone there? I don't know. I do know though that, where before I felt that there was occasionally *something* missing from the relationship, now I feel like something is missing from my life.

Is it me, or does life never get any less confusing? I'm 27 next month -  I should be an adult, and yet so much of the time I feel like a lost child, making everything up as I go along. When does it get easier?

Tis the evening before I'm due to go back to work and I'm so full of dread. It's the thought of the tedious 'job' that still sort of feels like the studenty summer job, albeit with a fancier job title and a slightly better pay packet. But if I think about it, it's not just the job that has my stomach feeling all knotty and horrible. I know that I can change jobs, but it's not that black and white. I don't just want a new job, I want a whole new career. The hard bit? Not knowing what else I want to do or even can do, not wanting to start again from the very bottom, and the very worst bit - not knowing if I'd be able to cope with a different job with my CFS - that's the most frustrating part.

And of course, if we're talking about frustrations here, it's not only work that has me feeling so agitated, it's most things in general. Life, and the feeling of 'Is that all there is?'. I'm a single twenty-something year old girl in London; I have a degree, I'm intelligent, marginally attractive and a nice person - and yet, I feel as if I'm not doing this properly, not living life as a twenty-something should. What it all boils down to, I guess, is what the media, and 'other people' have set as the standard for someone like me. So much pressure from all sides - society, friends, and the biggest one - family. You know how it is, the feeling that you're not quite good enough - not successful enough, not thin enough, not rich or pretty enough, not popular enough. It's when five different relatives at a family gathering ask you 'So, why haven't you got a boyfriend?'; it's when you vegged in front of the TV all weekend and a colleague tells you about their wild weekend and then asks 'So what did you get upto?'; it's when your aunt says 'You've put a bit of weight lately, haven't you?', or 'So how much are you earning now?'. That feeling that you should be doing better or have achieved more.

Of course, it's not fair to completely blame other people for making you feel like this. Only one person can make you feel inadequate, and that's yourself. But there's not doubt that society 'expects' you to live your life to a certain template, and only the most robust and confident of people wouldn't feel at least some pressure. I mean, how hard is it not to be influenced by the media nowadays? How many young women pick up a magazine or switch on the tv, and think 'That's what I should be wearing', 'That's what brand I should be using', 'That's the kind of lifestyle I should be living'? It's not easy just 'being' nowadays, and if you go against the grain, you're labelled 'weird' or 'a hippy'.

I guess this is what being an adult is all about - struggling to accept oneself with all of the conflicting pressures of society's expectations. Whether you decide to conform to or rebel against those expectations, you've got to know and accept your limitations and capabilities. I'm not even sure if that's possible to do, but life is already hard enough without other people's expectations of you. I'm not sure I like being a grown up.