There are moments when I know that I will be okay and that I'll get through the heartbreak. But there are also moments when I don't think I can live my life without him. It's so hard to say goodbye and mean it too, but that's what we did on the weekend -- one year after we first got together. I don't think it has really started to sink in yet. At first, it was a bit of a relief knowing that the cycle of breaking up and making up (cos we couldn't bear to make it final) was over. Now, I'm just numb.

We're staying friends. The friendship and support we provide each other is something that neither of us can give up. I know, I know, this will be extremely hard to do without slipping back into old habits, but I've had to give up the love of my life, and I'm not about to lose my best friend too.

The hardest thing is knowing that our relationship failed not because of a lack of love between us, but due to external factors. If those could be removed, I know that we would have our happily ever after. But, as it's unlikely that they will ever go away, this is not going to happen. Ever. It would be so much easier to get over this if we both didn't love each other so much.

What happens to all that love when you break up? I know I need to move on, but, right now, I'm afraid of letting go of the memories we made. The dreams that we had together still haunt me. No more travelling the world, raising the perfect little family or growing old together, hand in hand, kissing with wrinkled, toothless mouths.

I have to find a new direction now, a new source of happiness. I must live truly for me, and that's scary. It's hard to think that there will ever be time when I'll be truly happy again, but I have to believe that it will come and that one day, it won't hurt quite this much.

... eating Hula Hoops off my fingers. I feel 5 again -- it's brilliant!




Am going in search of KitKats so I can eat the chocolate off them before I get to the wafer.

What do you miss about being little?

It's been a long, hard week. I am still sad, but one thing that I have learned this week is how utterly brilliant my friends and family are. I really am blessed with the bestest friends anyone could ask for - you know who you are. Bloggers too - thank you for taking the time to leave messages of support. They help more than you know. Thank you all...

Perhaps I tempted fate with my last blog, perhaps I was smug cos I was so happy, but here I am, barely able to see to type, because of the tears blurring my vision. We broke up. Or rather, he broke up with me. To say I'm devastated would be an understatement. I have this ache in my heart that doesn't feel like it's ever going to go away.

It's complicated. There are issues with family (his), and with visas. He says he's being kinder this way because he can't give me a definite time on when he can return, and that I deserve more than having to wait around for him. He will return, but perhaps not this year. When he does, and if we're both still single, then we'll reassess. I'm not flying over to see him next week.

We'll remain friends. He has always been my best friend first and foremost, and I don't want to lose that. But that doesn't make me feel any better. All our dreams, all our plans, they may never happen now. I feel like I've lost my purpose. It feels like I'll never be truly happy again.

If I'd had known that the last time we said goodbye at the airport was the last time that I'd be in his arms, I would have held on tighter and not have let go. I am broken.

It's a bit strange to be here, typing away, as I haven't blogged properly in a year. I miss it lots, as it's so therapeutic. You can share as little or as much as you like and, for me, it just clears my mind of the things that linger and niggle away at me. I still kind of think of myself as a 'blogger'. Sometimes I find myself composing blog pieces in my head, and I keep keep keep meaning to post, but finding the time nowadays is a hassle.

I'm amazed to find that a year has passed already. But they do say that time flies when you're having fun. I had a brilliant year - best ever, I think. Why, you ask? So many different reasons - the easing of my CFS/ME symptoms, changing roles at work and finding for the first time that I like my job, watching my gorgeous little 'nephew' (Diva's little boy) grow up to be the cheeky little smiley thing he is today. But, most of all, the best thing about last year was falling in love.

Yes, I met a boy, and it's time I introduced you him, with pride, I might add. I apologise in advance for my overuse of superlatives, but here goes :) He is the loveliest, sweetest, kindest man, with the biggest heart of pure gold and a beautiful spirit. I did everything I could to avoid falling in love, but I did nevertheless, and with an intensity I’ve never encountered and had never thought possible. Last year was filled with more fun, more laughs, more adventure and more love than I’ve ever known. I found my soulmate.

The only downside? His home is far far away, in South Africa. Late last year, his working visa ended and he had to go home. But our story doesn't end there. He'll be back, possibly at the end of the year, for reasons to do with red tape. We talk regularly, we email and SMS daily and chat via messenger when we can. But it's not easy. If I'd had known how much I'd miss him and how lonely and lost I would feel, I probably would have gone with him.

Keeping a long-distance relationship alive and fresh is difficult and time- and effort-consuming, but when you find someone who loves you this much and whom you love just as much in return, to let it go would be like spitting in God's eye. I'm flying over there for a holiday in two weeks time, and I'm so excited that I'm hopping from foot to foot in anticipation.

Anyway, I'm not sure if anyone still reads this, but I'd just like to wish you a belated Happy New Year - it's not too late, since Chinese New Year was only on Monday 26th just gone :)

Lots of love,
Pandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx