Panda_eyed

International MS/CFS awareness day (12.05.2011)

2011-05-12T14:20:00.000+01:00

Posted this to Facebook today:

In November 2005, I got a flu, which, try as I might, I never seemed to recover from. I seemed to be living with constant flu symptoms -- constant exhaustion, achiness, joint pains, a sore throat that never went away and bouts of fever and chills, just to name a few.

What I didn't know was that this was the beginning of my relationship with ME/CFS (http://www.meassociation.org.uk/?page_id=1666). It took months and months of doctors' visits, numerous blood tests and hospital tests and visits to various specialists before I received my diagnosis. It took only 11 months for me to be diagnosed with ME, but, surprisingly this is a very short period. For some people, it takes years and even decades. Let's think about this -- that’s years of living life with a unknown illness, frightened because you don't know exactly what's wrong with you, of being labelled a hypochondriac by society because you can’t put a name to what you've got.

Today is international ME/CFS awareness day. Please help spread the message so that people with ME/CFS don't have to live with the uncertainty of having no diagnosis and, hence, no treatment. I was lucky – my PCT have a Chronic Fatigue Clinic and I was able to attend therapy sessions and get the support I needed in order to get better. Again, this is very rare. There are very few such clinics in the country, but hopefully raising ME/CFS awareness can change this.

I'm not asking for money, just a simple repost to help spread the word. You shall have my eternal love and gratitude :)
https://www.facebook.com/pages/May-12th-International-MECFS-FM-Awareness-Day/220534562160?ref=ts

Here's an excerpt from something I wrote in September 2006, before I was finally diagnosed with ME/CFS:

I can't tell you how sapping this thing is, but worse than having to live with it, is having people around me doubt that there's anything wrong with me. I have lost track of the number of times that I have been told I need to get more fresh air or more exercise, that I need stop being such a hypochondriac. You may not be able to physically see my symptoms, but they are very real indeed. It’s upsetting that people I love don’t understand.

Sometimes I’m so frustrated that I wish I could transfer my pain onto them for just a few minutes, so that they can feel exactly what I feel all day, every day. How well would they deal with the constant tired, aching, weak muscles, bouts of exhaustion, muscle twitching, recurrent sore throat and illnesses that take weeks to recover from, joint pains, insomnia, dizziness and brain fog?

'This' is not me. I wish that I could wake up tomorrow and feel normal -- just like I used to a year ago. Some days I just want to cry. Some days, I do. But mostly, I just wish that they'll figure out what's wrong with me and make me better.

Stalking (14 Dec 2010)

2010-12-14T03:58:00.001Z

I just did a thing that surely everyone must do at some point -- I stalked my exes on social media. Not because I miss them, not because anything is missing from my life, but just out of idle curiosity. A few months ago, seeing their pictures, activities and interactions with others might've caused me a pang of wisteria, perhaps even made me a little morose, but, interestingly, not tonight.

Just now, I flicked through some photo albums on which The Spaniard features on Facebook -- these have long since made private because, simply, it'd be a bit weird still having albums with couple-y pictures in. I used to look at these and feel some sort of emotion -- mostly memories of how I felt when the pictures were taken. It used to make me sad to look at these knowing that, at the time, I had feelings for him whilst he remained totally impassive. But today looking at it, it feels strange even to think that I was once with this man, and that I could possibly ever have felt anything towards him other than to loathe his utter selfishness. It feels so good knowing that I've moved on and, most of all, it feels brilliant not caring a jot any more.

It's funny how time and distance gives you such perspective. I wish I could go back to earlier this year and tell the then 'me' who was feeling so sad and lonely -- even before The Spaniard broke it off with me -- that she deserved so much more than the twat she was with and, that in a few short months time, she would find comfort and her smile again in a friend, if only she would look closer.

The funny thing is this. On the day that I got wind that The Spaniard was going to break it off with me, I was on a big group outing/celebration. I'd gotten TS's text that he wanted to 'talk', and I knew there was nothing else we needed to talk about (eventually, the whole break up process took about 2.5 weeks cos he was a spineless idiot). It had been a long time coming and, even though I knew that, I felt utterly alone, worthless and unlovable. But I didn't want to spoil the mood of the group, so, though it made my chest hurt, I contained my sadness. One person made that afternoon bearable, though he couldn't have known of my pain. Though I was a grumpy cow that day, verging on sullen, he stuck around and he made me smile and brought me comfort. That person was the Cute Nerd - the man I've been seeing for a little while. I didn't know it then, but we would go on to become firm friends, then flirt outrageously, dancing around the fact that we both wanted each other, culminating in a kiss on the platform of Piccadilly Circus Station.

So there you go. Life has a funny way of changing direction just when you're tired of the journey. It's by no means over yet, but it's certainly gotten interesting.

Frightened 18/11/2010

2010-11-19T00:19:00.002Z

I've been seeing someone for a while. I've sort of been keeping it secret because I'm afraid of jinxing it -- like I did with the South African when I waxed lyrical about him on this here blog and then soon after, got dumped.

It's bloody scary, this relationship stuff. It's alright at first when you're just 'seeing' each other, when it's just riotous flirting and a date here and there. But then, inevitably, feelings start creeping in and tangling things up. On the one hand, that's great, you know? It means that it's going well. But on the other hand, it's terrifying.

I feel so vulnerable. I think that's partly because the last few relationships have really knocked the wind out of my sails and left my self-esteem in tatters. It's also partly because, once more, my feelings - my ego, if nothing else - are liable to be very bruised if it all goes tits up.

I really like this one -- let's call him the Cute Nerd. But, because of the last relationship with the Spaniard and how that ended, every time it goes a little bit quiet or if I don't hear from him, I panic a little. It's completely irrational, I know, and it makes me feel a little crazy. With the Spaniard, not hearing from him was a barometer as to how he was feeling towards me. I know I can't use that to define this 'relationship' -- I don't even know if that's what we're calling it yet -- and so I'm just messing with my own head. I might feel better if I could tell him any of this, but I don't feel like we've gotten to that stage yet. He might see my insecurities and paranoia and want to run screaming. He might not, but I'm not ready to risk that yet.

As much as I don't want to risk getting hurt again, I know that it's not in my nature to be alone. Relationships, loving someone, is what I do best, and I'd like to see if this 'thing' could go that way, with time. I think I may have mentioned before that the thing that scares me most is ending up alone. And this time I know I must make sure that, if I stay in this relationship, it's for the right reasons, not just because I don't want to be on my own. Luckily, right now, I'm having fun and the smile is being kept on my face. So time will tell, I guess. But that still doesn't make it any less frightening.

Reflections (18/10/2010)

2010-10-18T23:02:00.002+01:00

I don't blog anymore, but sometimes I miss it. At first it was an outlet for boredom, then for things that were getting me down. Mostly, it gave me a place to talk and think freely so that I could better reflect on difficult or confusing situations. It allowed me to voice my frustrations and exorcise demons, without fear of being judged or reprimanded. I found amazing friendship and support amongst the blogging community, and I met some of my best friends I have today through blogging. Sometimes I come here just to read back old entries. They're the best indication of the person I was when I wrote them and of my state of mind at the time. Some of them I look back on and cringe because hindsight is a wonderful thing to have. But I won't delete them, embarrassing though they may be, because they are a reminder of the person I was and there are lessons to be learnt with every situation.

Take the relationship with the Spaniard for example. I read back on those entries and think, 'What the hell?'. I can see just how vulnerable I made myself to a man who really didn't care all that much, and all because I was so desperate to be loved and to find love again. I can clearly see now that I was in a place where, having ended one relationship that I was so happy in, I was determined to find something just as special to replace it. But life doesn't work like that, and I guess I learnt that the hard way. I spent months trying to convince myself that I cared for the Spaniard, when all I was doing was trying to hammer a circle through a triangular hole. And I didn't and couldn't see that at the time. I didn't blog about it, but we even sort-of got back together for a very short while. Now I look back and I want to slap myself for being such an idiot. I'd like to hope that I've grown up a little since then and learnt a lesson or two. But then, at the time, I thought I had too. Oh, the naivety... but, as I was saying, hindsight is a brilliant thing to have. I've said this many a time, but I'll say it again: I wouldn't change anything. It's been a painful journey at times, and I've been naive and wonderfully silly, but everything I've been through and the people I've met along the way have made me who I am today. And I'm still slightly crazy and making it all up as I go along, but I think I'm finally happier in myself. Here's hoping, anyway :)

I don't understand men

2010-04-26T00:58:00.002+01:00

I don't understand them AT ALL.

*sigh*

I love you, I love you not

2010-04-08T01:39:00.000+01:00

I've been thinking a lot lately. How do you know you really love someone? I used to think I knew, and now I'm not so sure. I miss The Spaniard an awful lot. I haven't stopped thinking about him. I know it's only been 3 weeks since we broke up, but he's on my mind an awful lot. Did I really love him though? If I did, wouldn't I know beyond a shadow of a doubt?

We hadn't seen an awful lot of each other since the break up, but last Wednesday we had a really fun night out, and it ended on him telling me that he missed me and that I'm still on his mind. There were kisses and cuddles, from which we were both reluctant to withdraw from, and it left me awfully confused. He was very drunk, and told me that I'm the best - the best what, the best at what - your guess is as good as mine. He said he didn't want me to leave, but since there was so much alcohol involved, I knew that there would be a chance that the next day there there could be regret on his part, if he even remembered any of these events at all. I couldn't work out whether he was trying to tell me that he wanted me back or if he was just saying sorry for the way we ended up.

There was a point last week where I would have said for sure that I did love The Spaniard. When you love someone, you want to protect them, to shelter them from the things that hurt them and to soothe their pain no matter what, right? I felt that, so strongly, last week. I can't tell you the exact situation, but I just wanted to put my arms around him, hold him tight and make everything okay. Is that more than you would feel for a friend? I'm still not sure. I do know though, that I look for him online when I log on before bedtime (an old ritual of ours), and it still makes my heart skip a beat when I see his name in my inbox.

I wish I knew with some certainty what he wants from me. On my part, I still don't know what I want - I remember what the bad times were like and how awkward and lonely it felt sometimes, and that stops me from jumping back in. But I also can't deny the obvious chemistry we still have, and I can't forget the lazy comfortable evenings and weekends we spent together and the times he made me feel so special. Is it him I miss? Or it is just that I miss having someone there? I don't know. I do know though that, where before I felt that there was occasionally *something* missing from the relationship, now I feel like something is missing from my life.

Is it me, or does life never get any less confusing? I'm 27 next month - I should be an adult, and yet so much of the time I feel like a lost child, making everything up as I go along. When does it get easier?

One more frog

2010-03-14T21:36:00.000Z

The last few mornings, I've woken up with a dull ache in my heart - one that felt strangely familiar, although I couldn't pinpoint what it was when it first began. And then I realised - it was the lonely ache you feel when you love someone who no longer loves you back - the one when you know your relationship is coming to an end. After my previous relationship ended, I woke up with that ache everyday for 8 months.

When The Spaniard came into my life, although I didn't really notice it at the time, the ache that I felt slowly lifted until it disappeared altogether. I guess it was the rush from being in a new relationship that did it - all those new possibilities, the hope, the passion, the flirtation. So until a few days ago when the ache returned, I hadn't even noticed that it had gone.

But now it's back. Another relationship that didn't last. This time "you're a nice girl, but I'm not in love with you". If you look at my last post in February, it was something I'd known for a while, but had chosen to ignore, hoping that sooner or later it might happen, that those little awkward quiet moments would turn into comfortable silences. But life doesn't work like that, and I guess some things are not meant to be.

So on Friday, I was that girl on the tube with tears running down her face. But I do respect him for having the courage to be honest with me - it can't have been easy. After all, I too had identified that 'something' was missing, yet I had said nothing. The last 4/5 months have been fun and, above all, I'm grateful. Because, for a while at least, The Spaniard made me feel that there was another chance at love, and he lifted my sadness. It was good while it lasted, but ultimately we weren't right for each other, even though I wanted so much for this to be IT. Perhaps though, I've gained a good friend.

So, another frog down, I guess. I wonder how many more before I find my prince?

Realisation

2010-02-04T18:29:00.001Z

You know the saying that, in every relationship, there's always one partner that is more emotionally invested than the other? That person is me. It always is.

We’re at the stage of the relationship when it’s time to decide what you mean to each other – is this to be a casual thing that will eventually fizzle out, or will we come to mean more to each other? I know that people love at their own pace. I know that it can’t be rushed. But I also know that I, personally, can’t be in a relationship that will go nowhere.

There are certain tell-tale signs that a girl looks for to determine how important she is in her partner's eyes.

Try as you might, you can't make someone love you.

One year

2009-07-31T17:16:00.010+01:00

August 14th 2008 11am. That was the last time I was in his arms.

I barely remember that morning -- the details have since faded away, leaving only a blur of images. When I think back now, the memory is simply of a dull ache in my heart, of the knowledge that those would be the final hours I would spend with my boy before we would be parted for a year. One year. It was never meant to be any more than that before we would have our whole lives together. How wrong could we have been?

The night before he left, we lay in each other arms, knowing that every tick of the clock meant that there were fewer precious seconds to spend together. We held each other and I cried, thinking of the void that would be left in my life when he'd gone. In the early hours of that day, we stood on the balcony in London Bridge, looking over our London. He said,"You touched my heart on our first date, halfway over Waterloo Bridge, when you stopped, took my hand and said to me "Look - that there is my London". And now it's mine too. Thanks for teaching me to appreciate the simple things in life".

That resonated with my soul. It was a memory I had all but forgotten, and it melted me that something I had said or done so unwittingly could have touched him so profoundly.

I remember the last touch of his hand, the last fierce hug he gave me, the last glance back as he stepped through the departure gate. When he'd gone, I wandered down the corridor of Gatwick airport and cried. And then my phone rang - my boy, calling me from the plane. He missed me already. He said, "Be strong for me". On my journey home, I could smell his scent on my skin.

That was one year ago this very day. We remain best friends, even though we both know that this will make it harder for the one of us when the other moves on. Despite the multitude of times I've cried, hurt and felt heartbroken and alone, I don't regret a single moment of our time together. I still wish things could be different..

I Loved You

2009-03-25T19:29:00.002Z

I loved you; even now I may confess,

Some embers of my love their fire retain;

But do not let it cause you more distress,

I do not want to sadden you again.

Hopeless and tonguetied, yet I loved you dearly

With pangs the jealous and the timid know;

So tenderly I loved you, so sincerely,

I pray God grant another love you so.

by Alexander Pushkin

Currently feeling bruised (not physically) and sad. Will be back soon.. xxx

Afternoon tea

2009-03-01T01:12:00.010Z

I did something quintessentially English this week - afternoon tea at the Park Lane Hotel on Picadilly. It was a birthday present last year from the very generous Diva and Nags (thank you again!).

My friend and I arrived a little early, so we took a short walk through Green park to Buckingham Palace. The sky was moody and inky-grey, although it wasn't cold - again, very British!

We were seated in the Palm Court in the centre of the hotel - a beautiful room in Art Deco style. Since the atmosphere was very composed and civilised, I didn't feel right getting my camera out, but luckily there are some very good photos on t'internet!

There was a harpist playing sweet melodies, which was lovely and relaxing. We chose our tea from a large selection - difficult! I had Flowering Osmanthus, described as a "Sweet and gentle flowering green tea hand-tied around an explosive orange Osmanthus flower". It comes as a bud that opens up when the hot water is poured in. My friend chose Whole Rose Buds, which was so perfumed and delicate, it was like drinking crushed roses. Ooh, look, I've found a menu.

We were served some cute little finger sandwiches, each with a different type of bread - crab and cucumber, smoked salmon, coronation chicken, egg and cress, and beef and rocket. In my delight, I forgot to take a pic before I started, sorry!

Then came little fluffy scones - white and wholemeal - with cherry jam, orange curd, mandarin and pineapple preserve and, of course, clotted cream. They were heaven! I could eat these every day! The cherries in the jam packed a punch, as they were marinated in rum - yum! Having always been a very clumsy girl, I managed to drop a massive dollop of the blood red jam on the white white tablecloth and spent the next half hour trying to conceal the stain in order not to look like a ham-fisted idiot who shouldn't be allowed out in civilised society!

After scones, a trolley laden with beautifully presented pastries and cakes was wheeled over, and we each chose two: mixed fruit tart, coffee and banana cake, passion fruit panna cotta, and mango mousse. By this time, we were stuffed to the brim, but these were lovely!

All in all, it was a fabulous day, and a very memorable experience. We went for a spot of shopping in nearby Oxford Street afterwards. It's days like this that I love London :)

Chocolate and clementine heaven, oops, I mean, cake

2009-02-21T22:38:00.020Z

I sometimes get the occasional urge to bake, and that's what I did this weekend. I had been a two-day chocolate splurge already but, finding it still unsatiated, I decided that what I needed was a reeeeeally chocolate-y chocolate cake, with reeeeally chocolate-y chocolate frosting.

I warn you, this cake is extraordinarily good and HIGHLY addictive. At no time whilst making it should you attempt to put your face in the glossy melted chocolate mixture, not least because you'll contaminate the cake (not to mention burning your face). This will be extrEMEly hard to do, so a LOT of self-restraint will be called upon.

Tip: Make sure that you're the one who makes the chocolate frosting, so that you get first dibs on the saucepan afterwards. This will be messy stuff, as you'll want to get EVERY single smidgen of sauce from the bottom of the pan. It's really THAT good. I had chocolate on my forehead -- if my tongue where that long, I'd have licked that off too. I could happily eat a bowl of this on its own. In fact, next time I think I'll just skip the lengthy cake process and make this frosting instead.

That's not to say that the cake isn't good - it's more than good. The tart sweetness of the clementine is the ultimate partner for chocolate, as it cuts through the sweet, rich chocolatey-ness perfectly. It is simply deliciousness embodied. You could just take my word for it, or you could try it for yourself. Try not to eat the whole thing in one go though...

I found this conversions page, on Smitten Kitchen, useful for making conversions, especially from US to UK measurements

Chocolate and Clementine cake -- adapted from MyRecipes

350g dark chocolate, chopped
175g unsalted butter, chopped
6 large eggs – yolks and whites separated
175g sugar 200g self-raising flour
The zest of 2 grated clementines
5 small (or 4 medium) clementines, peeled and coarsely chopped
3 tablespoons orange liqueur or orange juice
1/4 teaspoon salt (if you use salted butter, omit this)

- Preheat oven to 170°C. Grease two 8-inch/20cm cake pans and line bottom with parchment/greaseproof paper. Grease and flour parchment, and set aside.
- Stir together chocolate and butter in a saucepan over low heat until smooth, refraining from diving head first into the glossy chocolate-y mixture. Remove from heat
- Beat the egg yolks and sugar in a large bowl with an electric mixer until pale and thick. Add melted chocolate mixture and beat once more. Now add flour and salt and - you got it - beat til smooth. Stir in zest, chopped clementines, and orange liqueur/juice
- Beat egg whites in a separate bowl with electric mixer til foamy. Fold egg white mixture into chocolate mixture one third at a time. Then, pour mixture into cake pans.
- Bake at 170°C for 30-40 minutes or until slightly firm to touch (cracks will form on top of cake). Cool on wire racks.
- Serve (warm if desired, or if you simply can’t wait for it to cool, like me!) with chocolate cream frosting

Chocolate frosting -- Adapted from Smitten Kitchen

Ingredients 100g dark chocolate, chopped
150ml double cream
3 tablespoons icing sugar
25g unsalted butter, chopped

- Put cream and sugar in a saucepan on low heat, whisking ‘til sugar is dissolved. Before it boils, remove pan from heat and add chocolate, whisking until chocolate is melted. Add butter to frosting, whisking until smooth.
- Transfer frosting to a bowl and cool, stirring occasionally, until spreadable. You might want to refrigerate yours for 10-15 mins. I couldn’t wait til mine was cool, so mine was more of a chocolate sauce. Alternatively, put bowl in some v. cold water until thicker in consistency.
- You can spread the frosting between the cake layers or just on top of the cake. If, like me, you can’t wait, drizzle over top of cake and eat whilst warm. It's good, I promise!

Saying goodbye

2009-02-16T15:07:00.012Z

There are moments when I know that I will be okay and that I'll get through the heartbreak. But there are also moments when I don't think I can live my life without him. It's so hard to say goodbye and mean it too, but that's what we did on the weekend -- one year after we first got together. I don't think it has really started to sink in yet. At first, it was a bit of a relief knowing that the cycle of breaking up and making up (cos we couldn't bear to make it final) was over. Now, I'm just numb.

We're staying friends. The friendship and support we provide each other is something that neither of us can give up. I know, I know, this will be extremely hard to do without slipping back into old habits, but I've had to give up the love of my life, and I'm not about to lose my best friend too.

The hardest thing is knowing that our relationship failed not because of a lack of love between us, but due to external factors. If those could be removed, I know that we would have our happily ever after. But, as it's unlikely that they will ever go away, this is not going to happen. Ever. It would be so much easier to get over this if we both didn't love each other so much.

What happens to all that love when you break up? I know I need to move on, but, right now, I'm afraid of letting go of the memories we made. The dreams that we had together still haunt me. No more travelling the world, raising the perfect little family or growing old together, hand in hand, kissing with wrinkled, toothless mouths.

I have to find a new direction now, a new source of happiness. I must live truly for me, and that's scary. It's hard to think that there will ever be time when I'll be truly happy again, but I have to believe that it will come and that one day, it won't hurt quite this much.

Currently

2009-02-16T12:25:00.004Z

... eating Hula Hoops off my fingers. I feel 5 again -- it's brilliant!

Am going in search of KitKats so I can eat the chocolate off them before I get to the wafer.

What do you miss about being little?

Time to count my blessings

2009-02-05T18:10:00.019Z

It's been a long, hard week. I am still sad, but one thing that I have learned this week is how utterly brilliant my friends and family are. I really am blessed with the bestest friends anyone could ask for - you know who you are. Bloggers too - thank you for taking the time to leave messages of support. They help more than you know. Thank you all...

I have been hibernating and hiding away this week. I just couldn't face seeing anyone. I didn't think I would be able to hold my head up and not cry when asked about the trip that I've been talking about and looking forward to for 6 months now. I cancelled my holiday leave from work, refunded my airline ticket, and have thrown away the list of things to pack. Sometimes you just need time to cry and feel sorry for yourself, and that's what I've been doing. But now, I am determined to get up and carry on. The world doesn't stop spinning, and I'm certainly not the first to have my heart broken. It may be hard to smile at first, but I know that the more I force myself to, the easier it will eventually become to smile for real. And besides, I have so many wonderful people in my life to help me along.

I have had several causes to truly smile this week, and here are some of them:

Fabulous Divastar sent me a 'care pack' - a lovely parcel of items to pamper myself with. Look! There was a lot of chocolate too, which I have to confess I ate in one go before I even thought to get the camera out (yes, I'm a piggy):

My lovely sister made me this terrific card, just to let me know that she's thinking of me. I don't know if you can tell, but it's made up of bits cut out of magazines and tiny little stickers we picked up in Hong Kong:
And then these websites never fail to put a smile back on my face (click the pics):

A massive thank you to everyone who has sent me messages of support - I love you all very much. You remind me that I have so much to be thankful for.

By the way, it's Divastar's birthday today - HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETIE! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Heartbroken

2009-02-03T10:46:00.003Z

Perhaps I tempted fate with my last blog, perhaps I was smug cos I was so happy, but here I am, barely able to see to type, because of the tears blurring my vision. We broke up. Or rather, he broke up with me. To say I'm devastated would be an understatement. I have this ache in my heart that doesn't feel like it's ever going to go away.

It's complicated. There are issues with family (his), and with visas. He says he's being kinder this way because he can't give me a definite time on when he can return, and that I deserve more than having to wait around for him. He will return, but perhaps not this year. When he does, and if we're both still single, then we'll reassess. I'm not flying over to see him next week.

We'll remain friends. He has always been my best friend first and foremost, and I don't want to lose that. But that doesn't make me feel any better. All our dreams, all our plans, they may never happen now. I feel like I've lost my purpose. It feels like I'll never be truly happy again.

If I'd had known that the last time we said goodbye at the airport was the last time that I'd be in his arms, I would have held on tighter and not have let go. I am broken.

An update

2009-01-28T12:59:00.001Z

It's a bit strange to be here, typing away, as I haven't blogged properly in a year. I miss it lots, as it's so therapeutic. You can share as little or as much as you like and, for me, it just clears my mind of the things that linger and niggle away at me. I still kind of think of myself as a 'blogger'. Sometimes I find myself composing blog pieces in my head, and I keep keep keep meaning to post, but finding the time nowadays is a hassle.

I'm amazed to find that a year has passed already. But they do say that time flies when you're having fun. I had a brilliant year - best ever, I think. Why, you ask? So many different reasons - the easing of my CFS/ME symptoms, changing roles at work and finding for the first time that I like my job, watching my gorgeous little 'nephew' (Diva's little boy) grow up to be the cheeky little smiley thing he is today. But, most of all, the best thing about last year was falling in love.

Yes, I met a boy, and it's time I introduced you him, with pride, I might add. I apologise in advance for my overuse of superlatives, but here goes :) He is the loveliest, sweetest, kindest man, with the biggest heart of pure gold and a beautiful spirit. I did everything I could to avoid falling in love, but I did nevertheless, and with an intensity I’ve never encountered and had never thought possible. Last year was filled with more fun, more laughs, more adventure and more love than I’ve ever known. I found my soulmate.

The only downside? His home is far far away, in South Africa. Late last year, his working visa ended and he had to go home. But our story doesn't end there. He'll be back, possibly at the end of the year, for reasons to do with red tape. We talk regularly, we email and SMS daily and chat via messenger when we can. But it's not easy. If I'd had known how much I'd miss him and how lonely and lost I would feel, I probably would have gone with him.

Keeping a long-distance relationship alive and fresh is difficult and time- and effort-consuming, but when you find someone who loves you this much and whom you love just as much in return, to let it go would be like spitting in God's eye. I'm flying over there for a holiday in two weeks time, and I'm so excited that I'm hopping from foot to foot in anticipation.

Anyway, I'm not sure if anyone still reads this, but I'd just like to wish you a belated Happy New Year - it's not too late, since Chinese New Year was only on Monday 26th just gone :)

Lots of love,
Pandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Grrrr whinge..

2008-07-11T15:16:00.005+01:00

I hate that people make assumptions... I know it's hypocritical of me because I know I do it all the time and it's a human trait, but grrrr.. it does make me mad..

This week hasn't been a good week for me - after a long reprieve, many of my old ME/CFS symptoms came back and I was forced to stay at home and rest and not move a muscle. Now don't get me wrong, I like sitting at home and doing nothing, but only when it's out of choice. When I can't move because it's too damn painful, that's a whole 'nother story. Anyway, the point is, a lot of newer friends and acquaintances don't know anything about my ME. I haven't told them because
1. I don't want to be a victim
2. It takes too damn long to explain and, afterwards, people still don't really get it (until they can see for themselves, or they just 'forget' about it, because they're not symptoms you see 24/7)
3. I'm generally a lot better nowadays and I have more energy and spend less time sick, although I still have to make sure I rest lots and don't overdo it.

Anyway, I know my body, and I know when it needs to rest, otherwise I risk facing another relapse. So when my symptoms get towards middling to heavy, I am forced to decline invitations just so that I can help my body recover. Don't get me wrong, I still do take up many of them, and I do lead a fairly active social life. But, to someone who doesn't know I have ME, they more often than not make the assumption that I'm just dull and/or quite antisocial. Neither is true.

It annoys me to know that's what people think, and to snub me for it, when I know that it's my own fault for not telling them. So why don't I tell them? I know from past experience that people still don't/won't understand. When I say I'm tired, they'll say, "so what? So am I". Whilst that's all well and good, an ME sufferer saying they're tired is a lot lot worse than a 'normal' person's tiredness. Humans are generally of the mentality that we can keep going for a little longer than after the point our bodies tell us to stop (i.e. marathon running, eating) but, with ME sufferers, the opposite is the case. My body may tell me right this minute that I'm okay and that I'll be okay for the rest of the night but, an hour later, all might be very different, and I may feel sick to the stomach with overwhelming fatigue/muscle aches/spinning head. Even friends who know about the ME still say to me "Why can't you come out tonight? You were fine yesterday/this afternoon." It annoys me because they think I'm making excuses, using the ME as a get-out clause. Well, I'm not.

So, the bottom line is that I would rather people assume that I'm dull and antisocial, than let them think I use ME as an excuse or have them feel sorry for me. I don't know which of those is worse. It doesn't feel fair, somehow. Grrr..

Whinge over. How are you? Long time no see xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Build your own time machine

2008-05-01T14:48:00.002+01:00

Tis May 1st and it has been ages since I last posted - I'm so sorry, esp. to those who worried because my last post was veering on the depressive. I didn't mean to scare anyone, and, looking back at it, it was a terrible, dark post, which I'm ashamed to have posted. I guess that the effect that's ME/CFS has on me at its lowest points.

Things have been looking much brighter since then and I'm happy to say that I haven't felt as low as that since, well, the last time I blogged. There is a boy on the scene, and he keeps my spirits up and makes me smile so much that I forget the bad bits and the pain. Laughter, and the giddy sensation of a new relationship, it seems, really is the best medicine.

There is much to tell, much to catch up on, but the reason I decided to blog today is because I read an inspiring little story. In recent months, I've forgotten the reason I like writing and blogging, but I chanced upon this article at work - in all places, in the Nature journal - and it was such an enchanting piece of writing that it made me want to write again. What I love about the story is that, although the Nature journal is very sciencey, very matter-of-fact, this story is uncharacteristic in that it is simply a very sweet, winsome little piece that takes a quantum physics theme and yet doesn't contain any science. The author writes that building your own time machine is merely putting together a set of memories which are unique to you. There's a lovable little aside at the end which states "Igor Teper [the author] teaches old atoms new tricks at temperatures near absolute zero. He also writes stories, occasionally". You can read it here.

Inspired by this story, I wanted to 'build' my own time machine. There are so many moments, many of them recent, that I have wanted to remember exactly, to somehow keep them locked up inside my mind and never forget. That's an impossible task, unless you're blessed (or cursed?) with a photographic memory, and, for me, writing things down is a way of doing that - words are immortal, after all.

I realise that if I sat here and wrote down my 'time machine' moments, I would be here forever. So I'm going to start small for now and come back and add to these moments. And seeing that it's my little sister's birthday in precisely 4 days time, what better moment to start with than the time around when she was born?

I was 6 years, 11 months and one week old, and I'd been begging my mum for a baby sister or brother for years. I didn't like being an only child and really wanted someone to play with and nurture. My mum's younger sister had come to stay and help out my mum around the house. I woke on this particular morning, 5th May 1990, to a silent and empty house - where were my parents? Feeling slightly anxious, I went and shook my auntie awake, who told me that my parents had gone to the hospital because my brother or sister was on the way. She said I'd have to be patient and I'd get to meet the baby later, then promptly went back to sleep. That morning felt like the longest EVER -- I remember not knowing how to pass the time, wondering why it took so long to get a baby out and why I couldn't be there with my mummy (little did I know). A few hours, but what, to me, seemed like an eternity, later, my dad came back and told me that I had a baby sister. I remember feeling relieved that it was a girl (boys are 'urgh' at that age :) and pleased that I'd have a sister to play with and show off.

I was already itching to get down and see my mummy and new baby sis, but I was made to eat some lunch (Daaad..!). I remember being nervous in the clinical setting of the hospital, with all it's strange smells and noises. Seeing my mum's familiar but tired face amongst all the strange ones was such a relief. I distinctly remember seeing my baby sis for the first time - curiosity and anticipation mixed with a little bit of apprehension. She had so much hair already - just like mine, thick and dark - and a little wrinkled face with dark skin and a tiny nose. I remember not wanting to touch her for fear of hurting her; she was so fragile. But looking at that delicate little thing in my mum's arms, so quiet and peaceful, I knew I'd protect her forever. Because that tiny little person was my little sis.

My baby sis turns 18 in a few days time. She's turned into a wonderful person and has achieved so much already. I'm so proud of her. I know it's still a little early, but happy 18th birthday, little one. Your big sis loves you lots..

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The drugs don't work

2008-02-19T15:18:00.005Z

I'm having a really bad day. The tiredness and pain of CFS/ME is really starting to get to me. This morning, I could barely walk because my hips ache and throb with every step and it feels like someone has replaced my blood with concrete whilst I was sleeping. And energy? Just the simple act of putting clothes on made me hyperventilate with exhaustion.

I know I must keep positive, I know I must keep active so that all the progress I've made with pacing therapy these last few months don't come to nothing, so that I don't end up back at square one. I know I should count my blessings, that I don't have symptoms as bad as some people get, that I'm still able to get around without falling into a tired stupor. Somedays though, I'm so tired and this is one big uphill struggle. I just want to lay my head down and make the pain and the tiredness go away. I don't want to have to fight to be normal anymore.

At the end of last year, after refusing for more than a year to take medication for CFS, I finally got to a point where I was just too tired and too ill and knew that I couldn't keep fighting the disease with mere positivity and determination. One tiny blue pill every night was all it took for me to suddenly feel like I was back in the land of the living. If I had been religious, I would have gotten down on my hands and knees and praised the lord. I'm so glad I gave in because, you know what, it's alright to admit defeat.

With the help of that miracle tablet, I suddenly had my life back. I could go shopping without falling down half dead afterwards. I could go for long walks. I could go dancing. Of course, it wasn't all roses. I certainly still had bad days, still had to take it easy more often than not, but it wasn't half as bad as it was before. However, this month, the effect of the pills have started to wane, and, now, I feel like I did before I started taking them.

It's been the best 2/3 months I've had since I started to get ill with CFS, and just when I was starting to feel like I would finally overcome the disease, I feel like I'm back where I started. It's so spirit-breaking. There may be other medications, there may be other treatments that would help, but right now, I'm just exhausted and I don't want to keep fighting. It's just one big never-ending battle, and I've forgotten the reason why we went to war.

Calendar

2008-02-19T14:36:00.000Z

I finally got round to selecting pictures for my calendar. I used Mylozmom and Nikki's ideas - pics that make me smile/pics from my travels. I used BigHugeLabs.com to transform the pics into an actual calendar - it was easy.

January February

March April

May June
July August

September Oct
November December

Example:

If you have a minute or so, stop by Divastar's blog and leave her some kisses. The puppy who was so kind to me last week sadly passed away on Saturday night. He'll be missed.

Still smiling

2008-02-15T12:28:00.005Z

I'm not having a great week in terms of ME/CFS symptoms, but I'm trying my best not to let it affect my life and my mood. It hasn't been difficult to raise a smile this week, and here's why:

A Valentine's card from my "big black man, woof woof" from the lovely B [Divastar's doggy], despite the poor puppy being so sick this week. Get well soon, B!
A parcel and a postcard for Munch, also from B (isn't he generous and thoughtful? Aww!). Thank you lovely! Munch is so chuffed! :)
These gorgeous flowers (one of my all time faves):
Looking forward to spending the weekend with some good friends, whilst getting as much rest in as possible, of course!

Hope you all have a great weekend. Be good, or not ;)

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Midweek random thoughts

2008-02-13T10:57:00.009Z

I ate waaay tooo much over the Chinese new year weekend. Honestly, I think my stomach has expanded to twice its normal size. Bleurgh.
It's February the 13th and I still don't have a calendar. Call me stingy, but I didn't want to pay £10 for one at Christmas, and everything in the sale has been rubbish. I think I'll collect some nice pictures and print my own one. No idea what the theme should be though - any ideas?
I miss my curls. Ever since I straightened my hair, they haven't been the same. Now it's just wavy and lank.
Despite my new year's binge feast, my ex-boss told me I need to eat more. I think I laughed in her face. She needs new glasses.
I am possibly a little too preoccupied with the way I look. I just noticed that 3 out of 4 points above are quite self-obsessed. Oh god, I'm becoming one of those girls.. :( Kill me now!
Despite my contempt for Valentine's day, I do have a valentine this year *blush* And now to counteract that, some amusing anti-Valentine's cards (thanks P).

Happy Chinese New Year of the Rat!

2008-02-07T12:38:00.001Z

I'm cladded in red today :) Last year's post explains why. I already got my red money envelopes last night, and I slept with them under my pillow for luck. We'll be lighting up lanterns tonight and having new year's cake!

I reckon the weekend will be one big celebration too!

A happy lunar new year to you, whether you're celebrating or not! Hope this year brings you good health, luck, success and fortune!

Lots of love,
Pandy

Small but amazing

2008-02-05T13:10:00.000Z

The best things come in little packages -- that's true of many things: chocolate, babies, hugs, a text from a friend that makes you smile.

I've been a smiley thing recently because I'm learning to ignore the bigger things that get me down and just concentrate on the smaller, seemingly insignificant things, like taking a relaxing bubble bath, having a good natter on the phone, having a dance when a favourite song comes on the radio, having a good old giggle. In life, you have to take pleasure from those small things, especially when, like me, you have ME/CFS.

I wanted to show you something that made me smile recently -- look ------->

See that teeny tiny little shoot? That's the first germinated seed of my batch of chilli seeds, and one day, that tiny little seed will become a plant and bear fruit. It's amazing when you think about it -- that something as small as this vulnerable little shoot will grow to become a big strong plant. It reminds me of the fragility of life and proves that with a little determination, even the weakest can become strong. That's the beauty of this world, and the same thought strikes me when I hold my tiny little nephew in my arms.

That's my thought for the day anyway, but I shall leave you with a picture of another very small creature -- this time, a tiny crab that we found on the rocky beach of an island just off Hong Kong, where I went at Christmas. Doesn't nature just fill you with awe?

*edit* By the way, it's pancake (shrove) Tuesday today, so don't forget to get flipping tonight! Yum!

Whatever!

2008-02-01T18:32:00.001Z

Well, it's the end of the week! It was an interesting one :) I have no time to post what I originally wanted to blog about, but I shall leave you with this cute video and I'll be back next week.

Have a good weekend lovely people! I'm certainly going to! :D

Love Pandy xxxxxxxxxxx

Chocolate cake and books

2008-01-28T17:51:00.000Z

On Friday night, I got a craving for some yummy moist chocolate cake. I had all the ingredients in the cupboard, and I remembered a recipe posted by Clothide of Chocolate & Zucchini that I'd been meaning to try. I had some raspberry coulis sitting in the freezer too, which I used used inbetween the two halves of cake. The result was heavenly! Needless to say, the cake has long since disappeared :) If you love chocolate, and cake, like me, then give this recipe a try! It's so easy, honestly.

I spent yesterday sitting on the floor of the upstairs hall, clearing out a bookshelf so crammed full of books that they were sitting in piles on the floor around it, on top of it, filling every space imaginable. These were books that my sister and I had grown up reading - everything from picture books to ABC to Enid Blyton, Roald Dahl and all the children's classics - Heidi, Peter Pan, Little Women, What Katy did. I could go on, but we'd be here forever. The aim of the clear out was to give these books away or to charity, since we've long since grown out of them. But all these well-thumbed copies had so many memories on every page, that as I sat turning their pages, I couldn't bear to give them away. These were the very pages that stirred my imagination as a child and ignited my love for reading today.

I lovingly packed the classics and the ones closest to my heart in boxes which are now sitting in the attic and waiting for a day when my children can too fall in love with the words on their pages. Silly, I know, how precious some things can become to us, but these books were such a big part of my childhood, and I owe them a lot for allowing me to escape to all sorts of worlds whenever I picked one up.

I stayed up until 4am this morning, to finish reading Captain Corelli's Mandolin. And then afterwards, I couldn't sleep for thinking about it. It was such a touching story, one that made me cry, but I couldn't help but feel frustrated and angry for the waste of Pelagia's youth whilst she waited for her Captain. It felt sort of unsatisfying, not having the happy ending that you long for, but thinking about it now, if de Bernieres had given us that happily-ever-after ending, it would have been too perfect, too saccharine, and I'd probably be looking back at it in disgust right now. A bit like Harry Potter, I suppose. So, de Bernieres got it right, after all. He's a great story teller.

What should I read next, I wonder? Any recommendations?

Meet the Munch-ster, aka MC Hamster

2008-01-24T21:04:00.000Z

Hello, it's Munch here!

Pandy is under a duvet in front of the TV because she is ill. So after giving her a mousey kiss on the nose (just a little one, I don't want to catch anything!) I said I would fill in for her.

My full name is Munchkin-Chinese-Hamster - it really is a silly name, I don't know what Pandy was thinking, calling me MC Hamster! I suppose it does sort of make sense as I'm a Chinese hamster, I'm small, and I really do like to eat. Pandy says you're all nice people, so you can call me Munch or Munchie :)

Pandy brought me home in September 2006 and I was really really shy at first. You see, I missed my sister back at the pet shop and I was a bit frightened of the new smells and surroundings. Plus, being so small, everyone else just looks huuuge - no offence, Pandy!

So, for the first few weeks, whenever Pandy came into the room, I stood very still, like a statue. I thought that if I didn't move, she wouldn't be able to see me. Pandy laughed at me and said I was playing musical statues. We are good friends now, Pandy and me, and I'm not scared anymore because she always brings me my favourite foods everytime she comes to visit. I LOVE fruit! Pandy says I'm spoilt, but I don't think I am. My favourites are blueberries, apple, clementine, pomegranite, plum, but most of all, pineapple. I would do anything for pineapple! I just love its fleshy sweetness. I could eat it forever! That's one thing me and Pandy have in common.

I also like cooked vegetables. Pandy calls me fussy because I won't eat much of them if they're raw. She gives me carrots and green beans and broccoli and even brussel sprouts, sometimes. They make me fart. Only tiny mouse-sized ones though..

Pandy and I have chats in the evening. Sometimes I just sit and look at her for ages, especially when she sings to me. Don't tell her, but sometimes she sings out of tune.. :) I like it though. I squeak back at her a lot, and she says I'm the most vocal hamster she's ever met and she should have called me Pipsqueak instead. I am very squeaky - I just like talking to myself, that's all.

Whenever Pandy brings food, I climb up onto her hand and stuff my cheeks. Unless, it's pineapple - that I eat right then and there because it's so delicious! Sometimes Pandy lets me taste the things she's eating, like yoghurt. I like yoghurt. I lick it off the spoon and then I hop around on my back legs, hoping she'll give me more. If I give her my special big eyed look, she always gives in! I'm good at that!

I recently learnt a new trick - kissing Pandy on the nose. She always gives me great big smiles and a treat afterwards. She's funny, that girl, she likes that a lot. She scratches my head with a finger, and I don't mind that, but it does mess up my hair, and I have to fix it afterwards, tuh!

Anyway, I'm going to go and do another of mt favourite things now - running on the wheel. I can do that all night, and I mostly do. I have to keep fit you see, and burn those calories off!

It was nice meeting you!
Love from Munch *Mousey kisses*
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Pandy in da house

2008-01-22T17:37:00.000Z

Okay, I admit it. I miss blogging.

I miss putting random thoughts down here, even though they're a load of waffle and rubbish. I miss the comments and support of the bloggers, and I miss having my own little space in which to clear my head and consolidate my thoughts. I never really intended to stop blogging, but you know how it is - sometimes life gets in the way, yada yada, there just isn't enough time, and every now and again, you lose the inclination. That, and *cough* Facebook too, *blush*.

I've still been around, of course, peeking in at your blogs, checking that my favourite bloggers are well and still blogging. A lot of people have stopped, which is a shame, and a lot of you have moved 'homes'. I don't always comment, but I do enjoy having a little read over my sandwiches.

I won't promise to post regularly here, just in case, but I think I'll pop in every now and again, just to put my thoughts down, however random they may be. Anyway, I thought I'd give you an update on what's been happening since I last blogged - in my favourite form - a list :)

I went on a one-week cruise around the Mediterranean - was loverly
I got a new hamster - MC Hamster! 'Munch' for short - he's a Chinese hammy (keeping it in the family ;) and cute :)
I finally succumbed to taking meds for my ME/CFS and have noticed a huge improvement in symptoms :D
Through 'pacing' therapy, I'm now able to do a small amount of cardiac and non-cardiac exercise without the 'flare-ups' in symptoms and post-exertional malaise :D
Because of that, I've been able to lose some much-needed weight and lost 1-2 dress sizes - woo!
I spent the festive season in Hong Kong and saw my little granny
I got a promotion at work, but only to reflect my substantial increase in workload :\
I met my eagerly awaited 'nephew' - Diva's little boy :D

That's my life in the last 5/6 months in bullet points - not the most exciting, but it's mine :)

I hope you're all well and keeping fabulous. Until next time,

Your friend,
Pandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pebby, the giver of hamster kisses

2007-08-21T22:10:00.001+01:00

This is Pebby, a Campbell's Russian dwarf hamster. Pebby kept me entertained and gave me lots of tiny furry cuddles from November 2004-Christmas 2005, before I took little Boris and 'Tache from Sez. I know a lot of people have hamsters, and I've had quite a few in my time, but I can honestly say that Pebby (originally named Pebble, naturally progressing to Pebby) was different. I realised that I'd never blogged about him, and that's a shame, because he was such a special, loving little thing.

I know you'll probably be thinking, "What the hell has Pandy been smoking? It's a hamster for crying out loud, how special could it be?!" Give me a moment and I'll tell you why.

Most hamsters are shy by nature and can't really be called tame. But Pebby was different. He was so tame that he was almost a puppy. In fact, I'm sure he thought he was! In the pet shop choosing which hamster to take home, I couldn't possibly pick one out. Which of these was going to be Pandy's new baby? So I put my hand in the box and whilst all the other hammies shied away, a certain Pebby climbed halfway up my arm, sniffing and looking at me with curiosity. So it was decided, he was the one!

Everyone knows someone whose hamster has escaped and has spent hours looking for it. I had the same problem with my mice. I once spent 5 whole hours in the same room as one of them, trying to coax it out from under the bed. Pebby never gave me that trouble - we had an agreement. He could roam wherever he liked, for as long as he liked, as long as he came back afterwards. And you know what? He always did. Apart from one time when he fell fast asleep in the folds of a scarf in my bedroom, the silly fluffball. I remember when I first realised that he had boomerang qualities. It was in the first few weeks of our friendship and I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom reading whilst he had a little run. I had put books and boxes in front of the bed and other crevices so that he couldn't get anywhere that I wouldn't be able to scoop him out from. I was soon absorbed in the book and forgot all about him. And then I felt two little paws on my leg - Pebby standing on his hindlegs looking up at me, almost as if to say "What are you doing?". I gave him a squashed pea - one of his favourite foods (he liked to peel it and then nibble away at it) and went back to reading. The next time I looked up, he was sitting on my knee, bold as brass. From then on, there was no need to cordon off the area and he wandered about pretty much anywhere he liked because as soon as he got tired of it, he would climb up my knee or come and sit on my hand.

I think one of the reasons that Pebby became so tame was Hamster Hoops - a treat that he would do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, for. Why he loved these things so much I have no idea, but he would start going stir-crazy the minute he smelt one. This is how I trained him to give me kisses. I'd put it between my lips and he'd come and take it out. After a few times, he'd come and kiss my lips if my face was anywhere near his - just in case, in suppose! Hehe..

Hamsters usually don't like excessive human contact, but Pebby just didn't mind! He'd be sitting quietly on the table and I'd stroke him, and he'd sit as contently as anything. I'd nudge and nuzzle him with my nose, and he wouldn't even flinch. He was a tiny thing, but he gave the best cuddles.. They were furry and so so soft against my cheek :)

One of the hazards of a roaming hamster is the danger of flattening it by accident as they run about so fast. This almost happened with Pebby, I'm ashamed to say! Pebby was having a run - by now, there wasn't anywhere he couldn't go - I was talking to my sister and looked behind me for him as I sat down on my floor. He must have quickly flashed past in the very second I sat down, because my sister said "I think you've sat on Pebble". I thought she was joking and waved it off. But she insisted, and I got up to look, and there was poor Pebby, pushing himself as flat as he could against the carpet, hair ruffled and with a look of extreme surprise on my little face! Lol, I was scared because I didn't know if I'd hurt him, but I did have to laugh at that expression afterwards! The poor bun must have been as squashed as a sardine!

So are you getting a picture of why Pebby was so dear to me? Here was a hamster that didn't just eat out of my hand, but also gave me kisses and allowed me to give him cuddles. He wasn't the slightest bit afraid of me, the opposite in fact, and he would do a little 'Hello! Come and play!' dance against the plastic of his cage when I walked into the room. I've never had a rodent so comfortable with me that it would even fall asleep curled up in the folds of blanket that I was wrapped in to watch TV. It became my wind-down routine last thing in the evening to spend an hour or so with him before I went to bed. He would always be waiting for me.

He died on New Year's eve 2005, and I was devastated. I had left him with a friend whilst I went to Hong Kong, and that was the longest time we'd ever spent apart (He had even gone on holiday with me to the Lake District and gotten travel-sick in the car!), and I couldn't help but think that he had died of heart break thinking that I had abandoned him. It sounds silly that I got so upset, but it really was like losing a dear friend. The house felt empty without him, and in the evenings, I would walk into his room before realising that he wasn't there anymore. I even thought I could hear him running round in his wheel at times.

So that was the story of the best hamster that ever lived. And I leave you with a couple more pictures of him doing what he did best - giving furry kisses.

Urban girl in the kitchen: Profiteroles - sort of...

2007-08-07T16:17:00.000+01:00

Hello! Has everyone been enjoying the weekend sunshine? It's like summer finally showed its face, if only for a day or two - wasn't it glorious? I've been making the most of it and spending as much time outdoors as possible, just sitting and reading all weekend. Not very exciting stuff, but very relaxing!

Anyway, last time I blogged, I mentioned that I'd bought a copy of James Martin's Desserts. I've spent hours ~~drooling~~ flicking through the glossy pictures since then. Anyhoo, I said I was going to make profiteroles. I've seen plenty of chefs do it on TV and it didn't look too hard in the book either, so I thought it'd be really straightforward if I followed the recipe correctly. How hard can it be to make choux pastry..?

It turns out, it's quite hard..!

Mr Martin, confusingly, has 2 different recipes for making choux pastry in his book. I followed one of them to the tee, picturing nice, fluffy, hollow little balls that I could then fill with delicious vanilla cream and then drizzle my glossy perfect sauce over - yum! However, what I ended up with can only be described as ... biscuits. Quite tasty biscuits, mind, but biscuits all the same.

I think my dough was waay too wet (even though I only put a third of the egg in) because the pastry collapsed onto the tray, just like cookies are supposed to. Oh dear. You can see the results below. I baked 2 batches, and although the second batch was significantly more choux-like than the first, they were still too flat and didn't rise enough.

So, my first baking-'disaster'! I've always been quite lucky with my baking thus far, but I guess that had to end sometime! :) Next time, I'm following Gordon Ramsay's recipe (video)!

In the end, I whipped up some cream, made the chocolate sauce (which was yum!) and suck the whole lot on top - profiteroles, but not in the traditional sense. It was still delicious, and come on, who needs tradition anyway..? ;)

Pandy's profiterole-surprise.. :)

I might try the chocolate and macadamia nut cake next. Fingers crossed that it's not as flat as my chouxs!

Hope you're all enjoying the sunshine! xxx

Tag: Eight random things

2007-07-29T15:56:00.000+01:00

I've been tagged by Rabbit to tell you 8 random things about me. I remember doing this last year (23 things!), and I had to go back to that post to make sure that I didn't repeat any of them! Hard, but here goes:

1. I have very strong, agile toes. They can lift things that most people's can't. Like a mug of tea, a book, etc..
2. You wouldn't know from my online persona, but I am not a very articulate person in reality. It's only when it comes to writing things down that I have things to say.. I'm actually quite shy and quiet.
3. I won a book-writing competition when I was 6 years old. My book was about a little girl who got lost in a forest. It was fully illustrated, and I still have it somewhere.
4. I am an urban girl, having lived in the London all my life, but I do love growing my own fruit and veg - there's nothing tastier than picking an apple off the tree as you leave for work or watching little seeds grow into courgettes!
5. As a kid, my parents bought me a piano because I could sit down at a keyboard and play back any tune I'd heard, without a single mistake. My fingers just instinctively knew where to go.
6. I do a killer sudoku in the Times everyday, as well as the crossword and codeword. I think it keeps my mind supple and active.
7. I recently lost 16lbs and almost one dress size, just by not snacking! Shows you how much I snacked!
8. I love baking and cooking, but most of all, making desserts. In fact, I bought this book yesterday, and am now off to make profiteroles with a gorgeous chocolate sauce! I might post pics if you're lucky ;)

I am going to be boring and just tag whoever wants to join in - I think a few bloggers have aleady done this tag!

The Rules:
1. Let others know who tagged you.
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The geekiness shining through

2007-07-22T16:53:00.000+01:00

It's been a while since my last post, and I apologise. I haven't not been well, but I have been plagued with tiredness and stress and an overwhelming feeling of not being able to cope. I have less time now, much less time, what with extra responsibilities at work and trying to make the most of my energy outside of work. I just want to live a 'normal' life, you know? And it's hard work for me to do that as well as keep the CFS at bay without getting sick or having 'bad phases'. *Sighs* I guess that's just life though.

Anyway, I went to see the new Harry Potter film on *edit* Friday night, a late showing which ended at midnight. Seeing as I enjoyed the film so much and this was the precise moment at which the final Harry Potter book was being released for sale, I joined the hoards of people queueing outside the bookstores in order to be one of the first to read the book. I know - you don't even have to say it - I am a complete geek! :) And proud of it! So yes, I stood out in the cold for little under one whole hour and got my hands on one of the first 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows'. It lies beside me as I type, treasured and just crying out for me to turn to turn more of it pages.

I am half-way through at the moment and determined not to rush through it but instead to savour every word. It is the final instalment after all! From what I've read so far, it is every bit as good as promised - dark, thrilling and stomach-churningly full of suspense and promise. Who dies..? Who dies..? I am dying to find out and, still, don't want to know all at once. Is anyone else spurning the disdainful looks of those who condemn adults reading children's fiction and also reading HP7? It's good, isn't it? :)

To further add to my transformation into the biggest geek in the universe, I have signed up to the GoldenJigsaw.Com. It is a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle in which you have to find pieces by solving the clues. The clues lead to various websites which, in turn, contain the pieces to the puzzles. The first person to solve the puzzle wins US$1,000,000. I have, so far, solved the first clue and got the first 10-pieces of the puzzle*, and I'm really enjoying the challenge! I have always been a sucker for puzzles and clue-solving, and this appeals to my childish, treasure-hunting side :)

So, what has everyone else been upto in the time I've been away? I have to say, I have missed blogging loads. I've missed pouring my heart out onto these pages, I've missed the relief it brings to share stress and worries with friends, and I have, of course, missed your 'company' and kind words :) Please do say hello if you happen to pop by. I hope to blog more often this time around.

Hope you're all well,
Love Pandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

*No, sorry, I won't help you with the clues ;)

Pandy bares all ;)

2007-07-03T14:09:00.000+01:00

I've always had a little patch of darker skin on my upper torso, on the underside of my breast. I've never really thought about it, thinking it was just a small birthmark or extra pigmentation on the skin.

Those of you who watched the Friday Night Project with Lily Allen will immediately know what I'm going to say next..

I've been teased about it in the past, this little patch of skin, that it's a third nipple. I dismissed it as ridiculous, automatically thinking that a third nipple would look like, and be the same size as, a normal nipple. But after seeing Lily Allen whip hers out on TV and having further researched it, I'm convinced that this little patch is actually a third, or supernumerary, nipple. It actually does look like a minature one, now that I've examined it more closely!

I'm not the only one. Allegedly, one in ten people has an extra nipple. Mark Wahlberg has one (although they removed in the the Calvin Klein ads), as did Anne Boleyn, not to mention Chandler in Friends (his 'nubbin', remember that?!). I feel rather special to have something that singles me out... I wonder if it's the source of all my powers? ;)

Oh, I took a picture of it... do you want to see..? (okay okay, enough of the 'Get your t*ts out' chants!) I've attached it here, in case you don't want to, but don't worry, I have covered up any naughty bits!

My, what a thing to blog about, after not having blogged for so long... Hope you're all well!

Much love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A pain in the neck

2007-06-13T11:52:00.001+01:00

Quite literally!

My hayfever was quite bad on Monday and I pulled a muscle in my neck/shoulder in a particularly big sneeze! It was bloody painful on Monday, but I could still move without crying. Yesterday, I woke up to excruciating pain, and I couldn't move my neck, head or upper torso at all! Not only that, but my head was stuck at a peculiar angle - angled towards my left shoulder and chin tilted towards my chest! Lol, sounds like a bad sitcom, doesn't it?!

Imagine the difficulty I had trying to manoeuvre my body out of bed from a lying down position to a sitting one! It literally took me 20 minutes, and crying with pain. It was too painful to sit at a computer, so I called in sick. I think I spent the rest of the morning attempting to get dressed and brush my teeth - no small feat when every little movement bring tears to your eyes. As for the unruly afro curls - I had to leave them as they were, because there was no way I could move my arms that far up to do anything about them!

I had no idea how much one muscle could affect movement! To view anything on any level other than eye-level, I had to more my entire body to that level. Spitting out toothpaste was a pain! I automatically went and stood on the scales, until I realised that there was no point, as I couldn't bend my neck to see the result anyway! Lol..

I've got a bit more movement back, many ibuprofen tablets later, and much less pain, thank goodness! I can even type and use a mouse if I sit right back in the chair so my neck and back are supported. Thanks goodness, because there's so much to be done!

Well, that's what I've been upto so far this week. What about you?

Closed for lunch - Back in 5 minutes

2007-06-05T14:25:00.000+01:00

I know I’ve neglected my blog of late, sorry little blog. I miss blogging, but I’ve been having a bad patch in terms of energy with the ME/CFS lately, especially with concentration, and I have to choose between work and play.

My ‘bad patches’, better known as relapses, aren’t as bad as they used to be. Since I’ve been attending the CFS course at the hospital, I’ve implemented lots of little changes in everyday life, such as daily exercises. Now I know how to recognise and manage my symptoms better, my bad patches aren’t a complete ‘crash’, i.e. I’m not holed up in bed for 2 weeks. I’m still in pain, exhausted, tired and all the rest, but life can still go on, albeit more slowly, which is a blessing. That’s the idea of pacing therapy – knowing how to stabilise the peaks and troughs of energy, so that the lows aren’t as low. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I didn’t mean to warble on, but I just wanted to blog something, however small, so that my little blog, and all you lovely bloggers, know that I haven’t forgotten you. I had a lovely birthday 2 weekends ago, and I shall try and post photos soon. Thanks for all your birthday messages though, they put a great big smile on my face :D see?

Hope you’re all well, I shall be back soon.

Love Pandy
xxxxxxxxx

Pre-birthday excitement!

2007-05-24T12:39:00.000+01:00

I'm bursting with excitement today! I'm sooo looking forward to this weekend! I received the first birthday cards (and a parcel from the lovely Diva and Nags, yay!) through the post this morning. I am saving them to open on Saturday, although I am so excited that I might have popped before then!

My weekend starts tomorrow - after a half day of work, I'll be having a long and yummy lunch with my best friend, then shopping for a birthday outfit on Oxford Street, and then we shall be heading over to the London Studios to watch the filming of an episode of Stephen Fry's Q.I.! Woot!

Saturday will be spent sleeping in, then leisurely getting ready to meet some fabulous friends (including the lovely Olivia) to eat at the Bang! sausage bar and grill (check out their menu, it is amazing!), before heading here for some yummy scrummy cocktails. Squee!! If only today would hurry up and end already! Hehe! :D

We had a few of days of glorious sunshine this week, but the sun seems to have disappeared again. The weather forecast says it won't appear for very long this weekend, but that doesn't even dampen my mood today, because I get to have cake and cocktails this weekend! :)

What will you lovely lot be up to?

I'll leave you with some photos I took when the sun was shining:

A birdy stretching out in the sun -it summed up exactly what I wanted to be doing at that point in time!

And this cheeky little squirrel found an ingenious way to steal the seeds out of the bird-feeder:

Hope you have a nice, relaxing bank-holiday weekend!

Love,
Pandy
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Panda's guide to etiquette on the London Underground

2007-05-21T11:47:00.000+01:00

Having had a number of annoying and bizarre experiences on the underground, I thought I'd write my own guide to etiquette. Please follow diligently!

If you're reading a newspaper or a magazine, don't get all huffy if I read over your shoulder - it doesn't cost you anything.
Similarly, don't offer to share your paper - that's just creepy.
Don't sit on the edge of the bench - I don't want to have to climb over you to get to the free seat.
Luggage - unless you bought that Samsonite a ticket, keep it off the seats and out of my leg space.
Men, it won't compromise your reproductive health to sit with your legs less than half a mile apart.
Ladies, sitting with your legs crossed over is fine, but get your damn shoe off my knee!
Don't play your music over the loudspeaker. You don't look cool, and just exposes your crappy taste in music. Same with earphones - turn that shit down.
If you attempt to talk to me and I don't immediately engage you in sparkling, animated conversation - it's because I want you to LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, jackass. Honestly. I'm not just playing hard to get.
If you must talk on the phone, do it quietly. I don't need to hear about what Wendy said to Eileen or what time your leg wax is.
If you have halitosis, keep your damn mouth shut! Don't be yawning or sighing loudly.
When I fall asleep, don't wake me up asking if I want to rest my head on your shoulder.
When I decline, don't then start speculating out loud about what I could have been up to last night to cause this tiredness. Freak.
Keep tissues handy. Especially if you have a cold. I'd buy a dog if I wanted to hear constant sniffing. The same goes for coughers/sneezers - I don't need to catch that shit.
Don't pretend to be asleep, then sneak a hand over and grope my shirt-potatoes. I have breasts, but I'm not stupid.
Don't start getting out of your seat before the train stops. You'll only fall heavily into my lap when it brakes. And I happen to like the fragile little bones in my feet.
Don't stare continuously and unblinkingly, and in particular, don't say "You have blowjob lips!", get up off the train, and run around the platform screaming it. No one ever won the hand of fair maiden that way.
Don't eat. I don't need you dropping crumbs all over my lap, no do I need to sit on your old banana skin or apple core. If you must eat, keep your damn mouth closed.
Women applying make up/nail varnish on the train - go right ahead, we could all use the amusement when the train suddenly brakes or goes over a bump.
Give a lady some goddamn personal space, goddammit! Organs need room to function.
Don't be rubbing your leg up on me either, lest you reeeally want my stilletto down your oesophagus.
Keep your wet umbrellas AWAY from my legs. A 'sorry' ain't gonna get the water out of my trousers.
Public displays of affection - a peck on the lips is fine, but save the rest for your bedroom. If I wanted soft porn, I'd download it.
Eager beavers jostling to get on the carriage first. Ngh. Just, ngh.
People with body odour - if you're not going to wash, don't strap-hang. Keep elbows below shoulder height and armpits AWAY from my face.
Farting. Goes without saying - the hazardous gases of your colon; confined space. Doesn't take a genius. If you can hold it in, please do.

Does anyone have anything else to add?

From half-empty to half-full. Ish.

2007-05-14T10:03:00.000+01:00

I used to be a pessimist. I used to dwell on every bad thing that did, or could, happen and obsess about it continuously. I would get angry over every little thing, and I had a very short and very bad temper. God forbid if you crossed me! Only in the last couple of years have I begun to learn to let things go, to be more optimistic and say 'This, too, shall pass'. I do smile more now, I'm more upbeat, I have more patience, and I'm sure it's made me a nicer person; but, whilst these things come naturally to some people, I have had to force myself to be and do these things, to make that change, because I hated being that moody, irritable cow that I was before.

Over time, it's become so much easier to be 'sunny', and it does come more naturally now. I don't have to force myself to see the bright side, because I already can see it; don't have to remind myself to smile, because I'm already smiling; don't have to make myself be cheerful - well, you get the picture. I have become a whole other person without knowing it, and I like this girl, I finally like being me.

I couldn't have coped with being diagnosed with ME/CFS a few years ago, and even though I have my days when there seems to be a black cloud not only hanging over me, but also chucking down rain, thunder, lightning and hale, I have surprised myself by not being steam-rollered by this (In my head, it's a bit like the cartoon characters popping back into 3-d again after being flattened :). I'm not saying it's always easy. Little things may not get me down anymore, but every now and then I have a lapse, and then that ugly, angry person comes out again. Hormones play a big part in this*.

Last week, I purposely went a whole week without blogging. We had the bad news that I was dreading but, yet, knew was coming; it depressed me a whole bunch, and I didn't want to write yet another depressing entry. I tried to blog about other things, but I didn't really have it in me, and, still, don't. Sometimes, a girl does need a little help in being cheerful.

Can anyone help..?

*A tip - a high-calcium, low-fat diet does wonders for PMT-related mood-swings!

Happy 1st birthday, blog!

2007-05-04T11:18:00.000+01:00

Dear blog,

You are 1-year old today!

Through you, I have met many wonderful people and made many new friends. You are there when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm pensive, and when I was diagnosed with ME/CFS. For that I'm very grateful indeed.

Happy 1st birthday, dear friend, and many happy returns!

Lots of love,

Your Pandy

xx xx xx xx and xx xx xx xx

Is there any justice in this world?

2007-05-03T13:38:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I found out several things that disturbed and angered me more than anything in a long while.

I've spoken of my grandmother before, of how she is blind and now frail, weak and extremely forgetful. She's had an in-home carer for more than 5 years, but as she refuses to get on with any of them, the decision was made that she would spend her final years here in the UK with her sons and daughters. For the last few months, she has been moving between their homes, none of them wanting to accept full responsibility for her, causing a blind old lady much instability and insecurity. She had never wanted to leave her home of 80 years in Hong Kong, and has constantly expressed her wish to return, but now that she is almost completely reliant on a carer (albeit not wanting to have one), this is a hard wish to fulfil.

A few weeks ago, some of my uncles and aunts (6 of my mum's siblings) decided that it would be more convenient for them to ship her off to a nursing home back in Hong Kong. This, although it saddens me hugely, did not surprise me, for my uncles and aunts have never really been hugely compassionate or showed that much concern for my grandmother (unless they wanted something from her). The thing that has angered me is my uncle and his wife (who I shall call uncleP & auntZ) borrowing a substantial amount of money from my grandma (that her husband left her to ensure she lived comfortably when he died), and are now refusing to return it, first saying that they shouldn't have to return it, and now saying that they DID return it, but that my grandma is senile and doesn't remember. My grandma, despite knowing full well that they haven't returned the money, doesn't want to cause friction between her children and so back-tracked a bit, saying that maybe she really doesn't remember after all, which begs the question - where would my gran be keeping £20,000? Under a pillow?

My mum, being the only one brave enough to stand up to them, is now the victim of vicious rumours spread by uncleP and auntZ, who say my mum probably stole the money from my gran and lost it on stocks and shares or bought a flat with it (??!!). Anyone who knows my mother will know these lies are the equivalent of me trying to convince you that I am the almighty god. However, despite all the hostility from P&Z towards my grandma, she was determined not to let things get in the way of their relationship, and a couple of weeks ago, went to stay with their family for a week. Just last week, she went to visit another relative, where she confessed to being in a lot pain. On being pressed, she revealed that my cousin, (P&Z's son, Ro), had severely beat and strangled her until she almost suffocated.

This makes me so angry that I could drive right over there and, with one strike, knock the block off the kid. How dare he?! Where has the respect gone? How could ANYONE attack a frail, blind, helpless old lady who’s only misguided mistake was to love you and show you affection? To make it worse, this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened. Previous carer’s have reported that he has bullied his grandma in the past, taking pleasure in her distress when he pushed, poked her, pulled her hair, and then blaming it on his baby brother.

What saddens me is that nobody knows how many times this has happened before, how many times he might have bullied and physically attacked my gran, because, in trying to protect him, she has never mentioned it to anyone until now. What angers me even more is the fact that Ro will probably never face any repercussions because his parents are so twisted that they will never believe anyone who tries to sully the name of their son, especially following the recent family feud. They would just assume that we were spreading rumours, just as they have done with my mum.

In the wake of the recent mass-shooting in Virginia, it makes me wonder just what kind of people are out there, and where this type of hatred and disregard for the feelings and lives of others springs from. I know Ro’s parents aren’t exactly what you could call ‘good-hearted’ people, but can such evil really be passed on from the parents? Everything I have seen so far suggests yes.

I will be going to visit my multiple aunts and uncles this weekend, to say goodbye to my grandmother before she leaves for her new ‘home’ in Hong Kong. More than anything, I want to corner Ro and hurt him like he hurt my grandma so that he fears for his life and knows what it feels like to feel so helpless and at the mercy of others. I’d like to tell him that if I ever hear of him even saying a bad word to my gran again, let alone touch her, that I will knock him the fk out, but what I don’t want to do is to make things worse for my grandma – I can’t be sure that if approached about it, Ro (and even his parents) won’t harass/attack my grandma even more for telling people about it. I’m so frustrated!

One last thing - that in turns makes me angry, sad and fearful is that after my gran complained of being in pain caused by Ro, my auntie examined her for wounds and broken bones, and in the process, discovered a substantial lump on my gran’s breast. I don’t want to be pessimistic, but at her age, it doesn’t really look good.

This world is so unfair.

This week I have..

2007-04-27T12:31:00.000+01:00

This:

week, I signed up to Facebook and have become a little bit addicted to it. Is there such a thing as Facebook anonymous?
morning, I was woken at 8am by my neighbour mowing his lawn. Surely there is a law against mowing your lawn in unsocial hours?
afternoon, I have a CFS clinic session, and am worried because I haven't done my homework of daily exercises, relaxation techniques and keeping a thoughts diary. The cute doctor will be unhappy with me..
weekend, I feel well enough to do some shopping :)
weekend, I hope it's sunny so I can sit in the garden and read
morning, I am wearing glasses with a new prescription and they make me feel a bit dizzy
week, I have gotten over my resp. tract infection, but my voice is still husky, and not in a sexy way.
week, I have spent too long faffing around and getting nothing done
week, I have thought about what I want to do in the future
week, I have asked myself why I always feel so self-conscious and uptight, and have actively been trying to be more laid back and relaxed
week, I have celebrated a friend's good news, although it reminded me about an event in the past and made me feel sad.
week, my workplace have set up a monitoring system to see how much we get done. Less time for blogging/reading blogs/faffing around on the internet
week, I haven't had any chocolate or crisps - shocking!
week, I went into the office after a month of being away and couldn't find my desk because we'd been moved around
weekend, I aim to relax in the knowledge that things aren't so bad at the moment :)

What's been going on with YOU lately..?

Other people's pressures and expectations

2007-04-24T00:07:00.000+01:00

Tis the evening before I'm due to go back to work and I'm so full of dread. It's the thought of the tedious 'job' that still sort of feels like the studenty summer job, albeit with a fancier job title and a slightly better pay packet. But if I think about it, it's not just the job that has my stomach feeling all knotty and horrible. I know that I can change jobs, but it's not that black and white. I don't just want a new job, I want a whole new career. The hard bit? Not knowing what else I want to do or even can do, not wanting to start again from the very bottom, and the very worst bit - not knowing if I'd be able to cope with a different job with my CFS - that's the most frustrating part.

And of course, if we're talking about frustrations here, it's not only work that has me feeling so agitated, it's most things in general. Life, and the feeling of 'Is that all there is?'. I'm a single twenty-something year old girl in London; I have a degree, I'm intelligent, marginally attractive and a nice person - and yet, I feel as if I'm not doing this properly, not living life as a twenty-something should. What it all boils down to, I guess, is what the media, and 'other people' have set as the standard for someone like me. So much pressure from all sides - society, friends, and the biggest one - family. You know how it is, the feeling that you're not quite good enough - not successful enough, not thin enough, not rich or pretty enough, not popular enough. It's when five different relatives at a family gathering ask you 'So, why haven't you got a boyfriend?'; it's when you vegged in front of the TV all weekend and a colleague tells you about their wild weekend and then asks 'So what did you get upto?'; it's when your aunt says 'You've put a bit of weight lately, haven't you?', or 'So how much are you earning now?'. That feeling that you should be doing better or have achieved more.

Of course, it's not fair to completely blame other people for making you feel like this. Only one person can make you feel inadequate, and that's yourself. But there's not doubt that society 'expects' you to live your life to a certain template, and only the most robust and confident of people wouldn't feel at least some pressure. I mean, how hard is it not to be influenced by the media nowadays? How many young women pick up a magazine or switch on the tv, and think 'That's what I should be wearing', 'That's what brand I should be using', 'That's the kind of lifestyle I should be living'? It's not easy just 'being' nowadays, and if you go against the grain, you're labelled 'weird' or 'a hippy'.

I guess this is what being an adult is all about - struggling to accept oneself with all of the conflicting pressures of society's expectations. Whether you decide to conform to or rebel against those expectations, you've got to know and accept your limitations and capabilities. I'm not even sure if that's possible to do, but life is already hard enough without other people's expectations of you. I'm not sure I like being a grown up.

Guess who's back and obsessed with food?

2007-04-22T22:06:00.000+01:00

Yes, tis me! I hope you didn't think I'd deserted you; after all, so many people have left blogging recently, but fear not, I'm not one of them! I do owe you guys an explanation though - as you know, I was in Hong Kong in the first week of April, and ever since I've been back, I've been ill with vile respiratory tract infections. It's been a horrid two weeks, and probably the most ill I've been in years, but am starting to come out of the daze of painkillers and antibiotics. I can breathe, talk, laugh without coughing, and eat again (hurray!), and the dizziness has abated enough for me to see the words I'm typing - woohoo!

Hong Kong was fun - it seems so long ago that I hardly remember it now. Actually, the weirdest thing was seeing my lab partner from uni when I landed at HK airport, getting on the same bus as me, and again at the airport on my way back - she was on the flight after mine. Small world, huh..? Anyway, I ate loads, and put on a few pounds, as I usually do when I go over there. I actually wanted to talk about weight - I just finished watching the Channel 4 documentary, SuperSkinny Me: The Race to Size Double Zero. It focused on two journalists trying to slim down from a UK size 12 to a size 2 (US size 00) in just five weeks. I watched with horror but not without fascination, as I'm sure most women watching did. Because, lets face it, who doesn't think that they could stand to lose a few lbs or an inch off the spare tyre?

During the program, I found, worryingly, that I shared a lot of the feelings and symptoms the women had during the experiment. You see, before I went to Hong Kong, I had been trying to lose some weight. I'd put on a few lbs, and it was becoming noticeable. I've pretty much been the same weight since I was 17 (aside from losing and regaining 10lbs when I was ill in 2002), but since I've had ME/CFS, I've been a lot less active, and although it didn't really show hugely on the scales, it's started to show on my body shape. As I'm not really able to do any cardiac exercise because of CFS 'flare-ups', the only thing I can control is what I eat. Just by eating slightly smaller portions and cutting out unhealthy snacks, I lost half a stone in 3 weeks (which shows you how much I snacked!), but strangely, I don't look any skinnier at all! Anyway, the women in the experiment reported constantly thinking about and becoming obsessed with food, which is exactly how I felt during weeks two and three of my 'diet'. Week one was fine - I didn't change what I ate, just chewed slowly and savoured flavours and textures, stopping when my stomach started to become full. I was thinking, 'Gosh, this isn't so hard'. But after mid week 2, every day just got harder and harder. I craved EVERYTHING, and was constantly talking and thinking about food pretty much every moment I wasn't eating, as well as evaluating how full/empty my stomach felt every other second. Food was my every thought. It wasn't very nice for me or the people around me, just as in the experiment.

Of course, being ill these two weeks and not being able to eat, I lost the holiday weight from HK and a little bit more. In the words of Emily from The Devil Wears Prada, 'I'm one stomach flu away from my goal weight' Just kidding :) Now that I've regained my appetite, I'm finding that I'm constantly starving to the point of dizziness, and consequently eating like a heifer. I have a feeling that all my suffering will have come to nothing if I carry on like this!

The difference between me and the women in the experiment was that with me, the weight needed to be lost - I had a BMI of 26 (overweight) and now have a more respectable BMI of 25 and don't feel as bloated as before. Watching the documentary though, and seeing what the two women went through to achieve a skinny body shape, I can tell you that I would never ever go to those lengths to lose weight or look good. For one, I love eating too much; two, I don't like getting sweaty; and three, who finds a bag of bones attractive anyway? I think I'll just eat normally but a little more healthier from now on, I'm not cut out for this dieting lark! :)

I hope you've all been well, and I shall definitely spend a few hours catching up on blogs tomorrow. Be good!

Love Panda xx

CFS news and theatre reviews

2007-03-27T15:16:00.001+01:00

Last week was a good week for me, in terms of managing my ME/CFS symptoms and energy levels. I felt almost normal at times, which is quite a big thing for me, considering. If I could only identify what it is that I've been doing differently to cause this change, I could recover from this thing. I've had a couple of sessions of pacing therapy at a CFS clinic, and I wish I could say I understood how to apply it to my everyday life, but so far, it's not proving that easy. I am trying to keep an open mind though, and we'll see how it goes!

Making changes to daily life isn't easy, I understand that, but I encountered someone at the group who is so resistant to making any changes at all that I don't see why they bother to turn up. This person seems to blame everything wrong in their life on ME/CFS, AND tries to encourage others to think the same way. Honestly - scared of the dark? It must be ME. Got a fear of water? ME. I think this person needs life coaching more than pacing therapy. They've already said "My ME is obviously so much worse than everyone elses here. This isn't going to work, and I've already told the Dr so." I wish they'd just take the negativity home with them. Don't let the door hit you on the arse on your way out.

In other news, I went here this weekend. I took my dad as a birthday treat. Lionel was brilliant! :D Even my daddy was dancing and singing along! We enjoyed it hugely, and if you ever get the chance to see Mr Richie in concert, go for it! It'll be worth it :)

I went to quite a few shows last month actually, which I still haven't managed to blog about. I think the best of the lot was the very eccentric Blue Man Group, which was both so funny and so much fun. If you've been, you'll understand why - if you haven't, go! I have honestly never seen so much loo roll in one place... A taste of their antics here.

In the runner-up spot, the revival of the comedic play, Boeing Boeing. I suspect it was the big names in here that made the show popular second time around - Michelle Gomez (Green wing), Frances de la Tour and Tamsin Outhwaite, but the show was a hoot from start to finish. I'd recommend not buying balcony seats though - you're so high up that you get neck ache from peering downwards, not to mention vertigo!

Treats - received much publicity recently, starring Billie Piper, Kris Marshall and Laurence Fox. Its had a mixed reception. I thought each actor was brilliant - but when the actors came on stage for their final bow, I thought we were halfway through a scene, and I was waiting for the storyline to emerge! It was all a bit pointless, really. Billie Piper did a crying scene which lasted about five minutes in total - just her sobbing away on stage - it was well-acted, but again, all a bit pointless.

Proof , which played at the Arts theatre for four weeks only, was powerfully emotional and just superb. I'm not sure which came first - the play, or the movie (with Gwyneth Paltrow, Anthony Hopkins & Jake Gyllenhaal), but this was brilliant. I'm not normally a big fan of serious plays, but this one was so brilliantly acted by all involved that it even had me (and half the audience) in tears at one point. I think it's returned to Broadway now, unfortunately! I'm planning on watching the movie next, I wonder if any of you have seen it, and if it was any good?

I'm also going to see Jump tonight! You might remember seeing the Korean martial arts group on the Royal Variety show in December. It has been described as 'A highly entertaining mix of slapstick, gymnastics and martial arts'. I'm quite looking forward to it :) I'll let you know if it's any good!

Hope you're all well! xx

Waffles

2007-03-21T13:16:00.000Z

I haven't really had much to blog about lately, so I guess this will be another of my 'start waffling and see where it takes me' posts.

Feathers was talking about quirks on her latest post, and that got me thinking about my own. I wonder if they're actually as weird as they seem to me?

1. I sometimes talk to myself/read things out loud in different accents. It helps me concentrate. My favourites are French, Scottish and Irish, although I've been told that all my accents sound Indian..
2. I named my car (Beepy) and often talk about him as if he were a person. Btw, Beepy passed his MOT with flying colours, so I am quite proud of him :)
3. I have a washing basket, but I tend to dump the dirty laundry on top of, or around, it. And I never get round to doing the laundry until I've actually run out of knickers..
4. I feel the urge to sing whilst having a wee, which has caused me embarrassment before.

I can't think of any more right now, but I'm sure there are more. You might laugh, but :p

Oh, exciting news - I'm going to Hong Kong again in April! This time it's only for a week, which is crazy, what with the jetlag, but I just need a break from London and everyday life. I shall be taking it easy and not making as many excursions as Christmas time, if at all, because I don't need to be more exhausted than before the holiday! I'm so looking forward to a bit of sun. I think HK is in the early 20s deg centigrade at the mo', so yay!

What did you guys do for your mums on Mother's day last weekend? I'd been watching a lot of Masterchef goes large, so I wanted to be Masterchef for the day. I did a 3-course meal, with the help of my sister (until she decided she was tired and went for a nap..). My menu was:

Brunch: Full english breakfast

Dinner
Appetiser: Salmon fishcakes with a homemade tartar sauce*
Main: Papardelle pasta and meatballs with a real tomato sauce
Served with rustic garlic ciabatta and carpaccio of courgette
Dessert: Homemade blueberry cheesecake*

My mum was suitably impressed :) I should hope so too, because I spent about 6 hours in the kitchen! It's hard work being a masterchef, I tell ya! Expensive too - I don't know how, but I managed to spend almost £40 on ingredients. Ouch!

Anyhoo, I'm running out of waffle now, but hope you're all having a good week!

Where was I over the weekend?

2007-03-13T10:51:00.000Z

We've had such lovely warm weather lately, I took advantage of it this weekend. But can you guess where, from the pictures? A prize to the first person who guesses correctly!

Clue: I'm very lost..

I think I've given you some good clues from those! Good luck!

Sometimes you should just take that risk

2007-03-08T14:07:00.000Z

A memory; snippets of conversation:

Pandy and her best-friend-who's-a-boy, J, talking about crushes:

J: There’s a girl I really like.
Pandy: Oh yeah? *Smiles* Who is she? Tell me about her.
J: She’s great, we’re really good friends. I can talk to her about anything and everything. We always have a laugh. This one’s special.
Pandy: Aww.. So why haven’t you asked her out yet?
J: *Looks at floor, embarrassed* I’m scared she might say no and that it would spoil out friendship.
Pandy: Well, what vibes do you get from her? Anything more than just friends?
J: Sometimes, but then other times, I just don’t know.
Pandy: What’s her name? Have I met her?
J: *Still looking away, thinks* I don’t want to say, you might know her.
Pandy: Aww, go on, you know I won’t say anything.
J: *Faint smile, blushes*
Pandy: *Tries to work out who it could be* At least describe her?
J: *Looking embarrassed again* She has pretty eyes and she makes me happy, that’s all I’ll say.
.
.
One drunken night:
Pandy & J have snogs, kisses and cuddles.
.
.
Pandy on the phone to her friend, the next day:

Pandy: I’m so embarrassed, what if it’s really awkward after this?
Friend: It will only be if you let it. Do you like him? Y’ know, like that?
Pandy: I dunno, I never really thought about it. It doesn’t matter whether I like or not anyway, cos last week he was telling me about this girl he’s really in to. *Recounts the conversation*
Friend: Oh my god, you’re so thick!
Pandy: What? Why?
Friend: You do know that he was talking about you, don’t you?
Pandy: *Long pause, running the whole conversation through her head* Oh..
.
.
J went travelling, Pandy got absorbed in uni life. Neither wanted to embarrass themselves or ruin their friendship. Pandy doesn’t know where J is now, or what he’s doing. She hasn’t heard from him in years. She misses him.

Have you ever looked back and wondered what might have happened if you had done something differently?

How to get out of a car without showing your knickers

2007-02-28T16:42:00.000Z

Tarepanda - he makes me smile with his pudgy cuteness. He's my mascot for several reasons:

1. He's a panda, which matches my blog name
2. Pandas are Chinese, as am I
You often see him looking tired, lazing about or being clumsy, just like me :)
He's just tOO cute, and so lovable!

I'm a bit ashamed of my previous post. Its not often I get that low, and I would like to stress that in between these times, i.e. normal day-to-day life, I'm okay, and not depressed all the time. I'm still learning about how to cope, this is relatively new for me, as I hadn't fully accepted the diagnosis until it was confirmed a few weeks ago. I guess I shouldn't blog during those low points, but you guys really REALLY helped a LOT, and it gives me great comfort to know that I have your support.

Anyway, moving on, I found a cool site recently that I wanted to share with you: videojug.com. What is it? Life explained. On film. Whether you're looking for how to make a chocolate and orange cake, how to change a tyre, or other more amusing ones such as How to get our of a car without showing your knickers and How to chat someone up on the train, this site has it all!

Here's a few of my faves from there:

How to insult someone using British Sign Language
How to make spring rolls
How to make a pina colada
How to eat sushi
and bizarrely, How to undo a bra with one hand.

Enjoy!

CFS = Chronic frustration syndrome

2007-02-22T17:35:00.000Z

It's one of those days. CFS has left me feeling weak, achy, exhausted, flu-ey and twitchy for about three weeks running now. My joints feel like they're made of wood and I move like an old woman. Sleep gives no reprive because of the constant restless feeling in every cell of my body, and I often wake up feeling like I haven't slept. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but it doesn't get any easier.

I get by though. I work from home, I do nothing that doesn't absolutely need doing, and I'm bloody bored by it. People tell me that I'm brave, that I'm coping well, that I have a good attitude. I don't want to be/have any of those, I don't want pity or admiration. I just want to feel like a normal 23 year old girl. I want to be able to go out to work and still have enough energy to go to the gym or go out afterwards. I want to have days out and not be ill for the next week from post-exertional malaise.

I know it could be worse. Life has dealt me a pretty good hand so far, and I keep having to remind myself of that, to think of how much worse it could be. People think I'm coping; hell, even I thought I was coping, but this morning, just going through the normal morning routine, I felt tears running down my cheeks. They surprised me, because I hadn't realised I was upset until that very moment. I sobbed for a full fifteen minutes before I could pull myself together. I guess I'm just too tired of feeling overly-tired. I really thought I was doing a good job of living with CFS, but recently, I've had a lot of these little breakdowns and bad days, and I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams without noticing.

Imagine how you might feel at the end of a long shitty day when you have flu - your muscles ache, your body is tired, your brain is so exhausted that it hurts. You try and relax, but no matter what you do, you just can't get rid of this feeling. Now imagine having this everyday, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and facing the prospect of feeling like this for the rest of your life. You can't, can you? But I can. It's getting to me.

Current mood? Hopeless

Gung hei fat choi!

2007-02-16T18:05:00.000Z

It's Chinese New Year this Sunday! That means celebrations - parties, lanterns, bright colours (especially red), lots of food, new clothes, fireworks and red envelopes. This year, it's my year - year of the pig - along with my fellow piggies, Flighty and Lil Feather! To ensure that you have a lucky year, you might want to follow some of these Chinese superstitions on New Years day:

Don't sweep the floor, as this signifies sweeping away good luck. People who are reeeeally superstitious also don't wash their hair :) (Do it the night before!)
Wear lots of lucky red (so that luck knows where to find you, I suspect)
Don't eat meat - this stems from back when people had to kill animals in order to get meat - no violence/cruelty on CNY.
Cast aside any grudges
Spend quality time with your family
Give and receive red envelopes (with money inside) on New Years eve, and keep them under your pillow to be opened on new years morning!

To break open your own virtual fortune cookie, clicky here. You can find out what animal year you were born in too.

I'll be going down to Wiltshire, where my grandma and my mum's side of the family live. It's my gran's first CNY in the UK with us all, so it should be nice for her!

Whatever you'll be doing, I hope you have a great weekend, and a happy, peaceful and prosperous New Year!

Gung Hei Fat Choi!

Love Pandy xxx

Whiteness

2007-02-08T10:47:00.000Z

Snow - it somehow makes the world seem a little brighter, just when you need it. It's one thing to look out of a window and admire, but there's nothing like stepping outside, feeling the cold, being dazzled, almost blinded, by the light reflected off the pristine white snow. There's nothing quite like being the first person to make footprints in the untouched blanket of pure, ethereal white. So white, it's almost blue.

It brings out the child in me, makes me feel alive. I'm glad that the first thing I feel when I see snow is still a childish excitement, of wanting to have snowball fights, making snowmen. I'll know that I'll have properly grown up when I see snow, and think 'Oh no, travel chaos..!'. I hope that never happens!

The snow is still falling thickly here, I hope it doesn't melt before I get the chance to throw a snowball or three :) I'm still having a tough week with the ME, but I'm feeling a bit more positive now. Thanks for your words of support, they were much needed, and helped me lots.

I leave you with a picture of poor shivering Beepy, wearing a new coat of white (he's the tiny black one):

The glass is definitely half empty

2007-02-06T14:23:00.001Z

I've been struggling lately, really struggling, with the ME/CFS. It's not so much the physical symptoms themselves, but the way they affect me psychologically when I'm feeling really low. Sometimes, I'm so physically weak that I feel utterly helpless, unable to do anything at all, unable to get my mind to work properly. That's when it feels like all the hope in the world has gone, and I'm battling against a current that's pulling me deeper and deeper underwater, until I can't see the daylight anymore.

I have cried many times this week. When I called in sick to work yesterday, I suddenly realised that even if I never went back, no one would miss me at all. I'm not needed for anything, no one depends on me. And not just at work either, but in real life too.

I thought about how nice it would be to have a job that I loved doing - they say that if you find a job you love, you'll never have to work again - and how much of a failure I feel, having settled for a job that doesn't challenge or excite me, where I'm not learning anything new or having to really think or use any of my skills. That's who I am, I need to be challenged.

Then I thought about finding a new job. But it's not that simple. I feel like I'm in a catch-22; In this job, I can work from home when I need to, and I have needed to. How would I cope in a new job, and who would hire a sickly person?

It's funny, because before this week, I had had a noticable improvement in my symptoms for about a month, and I was feeling happier, healthier, more energised. I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, I was on my way to recovery. The Chronic Fatigue clinic sent me a questionnaire to fill in, about the state of my mental health, and it was full of questions like, 'Do you often feel hopeless'? 'Do you often feel terribly alone and isolated?' 'Do you often feel like crying'?. I answered either 'not at all' or 'only occasionally'. This week, things have changed so much, and my answers would be yes to all.

Maybe it's just a bad patch, but this is the first time in a long time that I have felt this low. The ME has sucked up all of my confidence and self belief and I am unable to envisage a positive future anymore. All things considered, I'm a lucky girl - I have a job, I don't have money worries, I have some good friends. It's just that sometimes it feels like I can't talk to anyone about it, because they won't understand. I know should just pull myself together, but I seem to be incapable of it.

Oh dear, looking back at this entry, I don't know if I should post it. It just seems like I want attention and pity, and that's the reason why I don't talk to anyone about my ME anymore. I'm just so tired of bottling it up, for fear of people not understanding and not wanting to spoil the mood. Sometimes though, you just need to vent, and have someone stroke your hair and tell you that it'll all be okay.

I'm going back to bed now.

Here I am again

2007-01-30T12:21:00.000Z

Less than two weeks after I packed up my blogging keyboard, here I am again. I miss it - writing down my random thoughts, having the occasional rant, wasting work-time :) I stopped because I didn't really have anything of consequence to say - who really cares about my boring little life? It was also starting to become a bit of a chore, and there's no point in doing something unless you enjoy doing it, right? And yet, here I am again.

Yep, I've missed this little place. I started blogging back in May last year, mostly because I was bored in my job, and wanted to somewhere to put my thoughts. I'm glad I did, because I've made many friends; you're all very dear to me now :) I used to be very cynical, but you guys have proved that there are lots of nice, genuine people out there, and I'm glad that blogging has opened up this world to me.

So I guess my little stint away from blogging has been harder than I thought it would be. I have found myself smiling at something and thinking 'I could blog about that', and automatically structuring a sentence in my head to describe it. So I guess it's actually harder for me NOT to blog, rather than just waffle away every now and again.

So it's got me thinking I guess. Why do you blog? What made you start, and what keeps you going? And who is reading this? Stop and say hi!

Hong Kong, Macau & Shenzhen; stories & pictures

2007-01-17T19:30:00.000Z

So I finally got round to loading all the photos that I took on my trip. It took me the best part of a day, what with renaming, sorting, and loading the best ones onto Flickr. Then I realised that blogger won't let me link from there for some reason, and so I had to find an alternate way of publishing them : However, I have now found a way! Don't worry, I won't subject you to all 266 of them, you guys have the highlights.

So, the trip. I stay at my grandma's house in Sheng Wo Hang Village in the New Territories area of Hong Kong for the best part of the trip, but I also visited Macau and Shenzhen. I'll separate my trip into parts - Macau, Shenzhen, Hong Kong, and then a Food photostory, since food is such a big part of my trips to the Southeast! I shall post the respective photostories at the end of each part. Don't worry if you can't open the photostories, you can see the full set on my Flickr.

Macau
Macau is a portuguese colony, an island about an hour from HK by hovercraft. It is famed for it's casinos and has been described as a mini Las Vegas. Macau is small and very polluted, but it's people are friendly, and they make they BEST portuguese nata tarts - crispy, flaky pastry, and a hot, melty sweet custard filling - yum!

I visited a couple of casinos, of course, mostly just to satisfy my curiosity, as I'd never been in one before. I wasn't planning on gambling, firstly because I don't know any of the games or rules and secondly, I didn't want to get ripped off. The layouts of these places are very clever - no windows and no clocks, so you can never tell what time is it, and everywhere looks the same. There are no signs towards the exit, which is cunningly hidden. In fact, it was a long time before we found the way out, circling round three times! It was a shame though, to visit a casino city, and not have a bit of a flutter, so I put $50 (about £3.30) on a game of computer roulette. Imagine my delight when I won 3 times in a row and tripled my money! I wasn't going to get sucked in after that and lose it all, so I, wisely I think, collected and left!

I stayed in the 5* StarWorld hotel (and casino) in Macau, and was met in the foyer by a VERY sexy concierge named Nino. He couldn't have been more than late 20's, and my eyes fell out on sight, because here was a face (not to mention body) that should have been gracing the covers of magazines. It was all I could do to stop myself melting at his feet (and imagining him naked ;). This was the highlight of my trip to Macau, lol. Tis a pity that I didn't get a picture for you girls to drool over..

Click here for Macau photostory

Shenzhen
Shenzhen is a town in Southern China, just across the border of HK. We came here for a day trip to have some great dimsum, manicures/pedicures, massage, and of course, to buy cheap DVDs (70p each). Everytime I come here I'm surprised by how much cheaper everything is. Dim sum cost £22 (HK$340) for 5 people in a nice restaurant, and we ate a fair amount at that. Manicures cost about (wait for it) £1.30-£2 (HK$20-30) for the works (shaping, buffing, a design and paint), whilst a 3 hour massage (1-hour foot & leg and 2-hour full body massage, including snacks and drinks) only cost about £13 (HK$200) per person, including tips! If I lived here, I'd probably spend all my time in the massage parlour :)

I was a bit disappointed by the full-body massage this time. The last time I came, I was in heaven and almost fell asleep because it was soooo good, and so naturally, I had high expectations. This time, the masseur was awful and inexperienced and I came away with bruises on my back, despite constantly telling him to ease up and move away from the 2 spots he kept concentrating on. My first bad massage - I didn't think it was possible to be in so much discomfort during one! Still, the foot rub was heaven :)

Click here for the Shenzhen photostory

Hong Kong

HK has all you can possibly need: a bustling city that literally never sleeps, a varied range of shopping (from designer to market chic), beaches, beautiful countryside, fabulous food, mountains, you name it, HK has it. I love HK! Christmas day was spent sleeping in, lounging in the sun in 23 deg C heat, and then eating the freshest seafood in the seafood district. I ate snails! They were actually really nice, not at all squidgy like I imagined.

I did the usual mostly - visited family and family friends, spent time with my gran in her picturesque village, visited the city, the markets, the seafood district and favourite restaurants. In fact, I mostly shopped and ate. I spent possibly a quarter to a third of my waking hours shopping whilst I was there. On coming back, I had to sit on my suitcases to shut them, and once shut, could not lift them.. I think I spent another quarter of my time eating, but you'll have to see the food photostory (below) for that :)

I did the touristy thing and visited Lantau Island too, but I stopped short at Disneyland (blugh). Lantau has a giant 134ft tall statue of the buddha and is such a pretty place. It used to be only accessible by ferry, but they recently built a cable car system that takes 25 minutes and gives you the prettiest views of the sea and mountains.

I realise I'm not really doing HK justice, but you'll just have to Click here for the Hong Kong photostory..

Food

HK is all about the food, baby! I ate out every day, possibly even more, but restaurant food is much healthier over there than in Europe, so it was impossible to feel too stodged-out. I couldn't do it justice with just descriptions, so c-lick here for the Food photostory.

I hope you enjoy the photostories - do view them, just to honour my hard work, since it took me so long to actually find a way of publishing the photos! I might not be around much after this, as I seem to have lost my way somewhat, in terms of blogging, but I'll still be around and will visit your blogs.

Ta-ta for now! Love muchly,

Panda xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

On Hong Kong, New Year's resolutions, Fitting room fiascoes and other fat tales

2007-01-08T02:01:00.000Z

I'm back! I've been back a few days now, but I think I have blogger's block, because I've come online a few times, meaning to tell you all about my trip to Hong Kong, Shen Zhen and Macau, but I've just been staring at the page, not knowing where to start or what to write. I think I might just start typing now, and see where it takes me.

Photos - I have so many, but dread having to load them, sort them, and publish them, and so have put it off. Sorry! I have got some good ones though, so will do it sooner or later. Hopefully sooner.

Flying - Guess who got upgraded to FIRST both the journeys there and back..? Hehe, they must recognise that I am a girl who will not tolerate anything less than excellence ;) . I had champagne, canapes, a full range of movies, designer food, a fully-flat bed, velvet slippers, pajamas, a duvet and a mattress! I have never slept so much on a plane! WooT! Get me! :)

New years resolutions - How many times, since I've been back, have I seen the title 'A New Year, A New You'? It's getting annoying. I tend not to make resolutions, but I'd like to try and
get rid of my spare tyre. Carry on reading, and I'll tell you why, besides starting to look like I'm wearing a float around my middle. I haven't gotten off to a good start - I bought lots of snack food back from HK, and Sainsburys have had lots of discounted seasonal produce (chocolate, biscuits, chocolate biscuits), and I haven't held back. I think I should get some tips from Youngmummy and Mylozmom..

Hong Kong Skinnies - One bad thing about going to HK is that I always feel bad about my weight. Everyone there is soooo petite and skinny, and to them, my size 12/14 (UK average, and a 'medium') must seem morbidly obese. I'm not exaggerating. I have to buy clothes in XL sizes. I say this with shame, but I am a size XXXL over there! ARGGHHH! Every girl's nightmare.

On Christmas weight gain - regular eating out, dim sum, and general yummy food in HK = baaad for weight. On returning, I jumped on the scales. They protested. I'd put on 5lbs! Strangely enough though, the next morning, before I'd had breakfast and after having taken all my clothes off and having had a wee (lol), the scales said I'd lost 5 lbs since the day - how is that?! Either clothes, food and wee weigh a LOT or I need new scales.

Doing a 'Houdini' in a fitting room - Whilst January sale shopping, I realised a new talent. I saw a pretty corset in my size, which I decided to try on, to see if it would do anything for my tummy. It was one that you pull over your head, and then zip up. I got it on fine, but then found the zip wouldn't do up, so I gave up and tried to take it off. You know what happens next..
It wouldn't budge - I would need an extra pair of hands to pull from the top. Like hell I'm going to go out there and ask the surly shop assistant. 5 minutes later, I'm contemplating cutting myself out with nail scissors, or just ripping the damn thing. Then, I find that I can wriggle it more downwards than up. Hurrah! I undid my belt, took my jeans off and extremely slowly, managed to wriggle out! I emerged from the changing rooms red, sweaty and out of breath. That was the defining moment in realising that I must shed a few pounds.

On being back - Waking up in the morning not knowing if it's day or night has been depressing. I miss being able to bask in the sunshine every morning too. I might get myself one of those UV light machines :) Still, there's no place like home, and I am glad to have my own bed, long luxurious baths, and proper English tea! It made me smile to come back and see the big bright moon in the sky - in HK, it is much smaller, and lies on it's side. I'm not kidding, the crescent moon is the shape of a sad mouth there, I have pics to prove it!

I had a good trip overall, and I realise I haven't said much about it, but I don't want to cram everything into one big post. I'm just going to take my sweet time, and you shall all have to be patient :) I'm signing off now, but I hope you all had a brilliant holiday season, and happy 2007!

Kissmas wishes from me to you

2006-12-19T12:15:00.000Z

I'm off to Hong Kong tomorrow, and before I go, I want to wish you all a very happy christmas and best wishes for 2007!

I have only been blogging since mid-May this year, and already I've made lots of wonderful new friends. Thanks to all of you who come by every so often and especially to those who leave me nice comments! I'm so sorry that I haven't had time to visit all your blogs recently, I miss them terribly, but one of my new years resolutions will be to visit regularly, and to blog more regularly than I have done recently (it's been so hectic!)

I don't know if I will be able to blog from HK, but I might be able to check my mail occasionally. You can email me at panda_eyed_panda@yahoo.co.uk. Be nice!

That's it I guess. I do have much to tell you all about, but no time in which to do it! Have yourselves a very merry Christmas and a fab New Year, and I shall 'see' you all in 2007!

Lots of love,
Panda xxxxxxxxx

Pictures from last week

2006-12-15T13:19:00.000Z

Apologies for the lateness of the pics, I meant to add them on Monday night :s They're not all here either, because blogger decided to suddenly stop loading - maybe I have reached my limit? I've added the rest to my flickr and included the links below, if anyone is interested! There's also a couple of YouTube vids at the end.

Various birdies in the river at Windsor

A family of ducks.

Mandarin ducks!

Only in Windsor will you see a swan waiting in an icecream queue :)

Windsor open air ice rink

The ceiling in the foyer of the British Museum.
And again.

An entire tomb brought back from Greece (athens?) by the British. Isn't it about time they gave it back..?!

The tree of life - made from dismantled gun parts taken from child soldiers in Mozambique.
And a gun birdie.

The pretty jewellery I got from Spitalfields Market :)

Joe on Sunday night, at the Brixton Academy!

I think he had an itch :)

Woohoo!

I don't know why some of these pics appear sideways, but can't fix them! You'll just have to tilt your heads :)

I also took shot a couple of videos at the concert with my new phone, if you're interested. This wass Joe singing his most recent release 'Where you at', and this slightly dodgy one is 'What if a woman'. But click here for the real 'Where you at' video (he sings about regretting the break up with his lady just before finding out he out has 4 weeks to live, aww).

Not much to report on this week.. Um... my free sample of jellybeans arrived (they give away 100 at different times each day, try it!) and I had lots of fun trying to match the dozens of flavours to the pictures (highlight of the week :). Hope you all have a fab weekend though, and I promise to blog properly before I leave for Hong Kong on Tuesday! Mwah to you all xx

Panda in the city

2006-12-11T13:52:00.000Z

Happy monday bloggers, I hope you all had a lovely weekend :) I'm back in work after a whole two weeks of being away (sickness, and then holiday), and it feels a bit strange. I seem to have forgotten where everything is, and I just can't get back into the swing of things.

I had some holiday to use up before the end of the year, so I took three days off this week, as did my best friend, and we thought we'd do lots of things around London. It's funny, I've lived in greater London all my life, but it wasn't really until I went to uni 5/6 years ago that I really started exploring the city.

On Wednesday, we went to Windsor. There were a surprising number of ducks, geese and swans in the river - I don't know why, but I thought there'd be much fewer - don't geese and swans migrate? We took a stroll down the river and did some shopping. Windsor has an open air ice rink, and feeling adventurous, we took a skate. Froze our bums off, but it was fun :)

We thought we'd take in some history on Thursday, and visited the British museum. We spent a good four hours wondering about in there, barely even covering half of it. I was especially intrigued by the artifacts from Asia. Last time I was there, I was a bit too young to appreciate them. I was surprised to see that religious symbols/idols from India, China, Thailand, Indonesia and other south east asian countries are so similar, despite being from different religions.

When our feet started to ache, we went for a 3-course dinner at Auberge. I had calamars - squid in tomato, garlic and black olive sauce for starter, then moules Thailandaise (mussels in coconut, lemon grass and thai curry spices) for a main. Should have known better than to order a Thai-style dish in a French restaurant, really - it was too heavily spiced with lemongrass, and hence, a bit bitter. Dessert though - Mmm.. We ordered profiteroles in a dark chocolate sauce and creme brulee with amaretto to share between us, and though I was so full I almost couldn't manage it, it was fabulous!

We got up early on Friday morning to go to the Petticoat Lane markets. I guess the market stall holders wanted a lie in, because at 12 in the afternoon, they still hadn't all set up! Still, we got some pretty pashminas from there. Then we trundled down the road to the new and old Spitalfields markets, which was heaving with delightful little stalls full of quaint and quirky things. I bought lots of pretty earrings, and even some christmas presents. They have some fantastic food stalls there (a bit like the famous Borough Market, although not as busy) and we had a lovely inexpensive Thai lunch (yes, Thai again :p), and found a stall that does the BEST chocolate brownies in London - yum!

As the day was still relatively young, we hopped on the tube to Camden Town, and more markets. I wanted to buy a hat, and tried on several, but they all made my little head look huge (why is that?). I got some more christmas pressies here, but can't say what they are yet :P.

I was so exhausted after those three days that I slept 12 hours on Friday night, and spent all of Saturday vegging and recuperating. A girl needs her rest, y'know. A good thing I did, because last night, we went to see Joe in the Brixton Academy, standing for a good 5 or 6 hours. It was worth it though, he was amazing, even though he only played for less than an hour. The girls were going c-ra-zy! I got home rather late last night, and so a bit tired today.

All in all, it's been a fantastic few days, and I have enjoyed it. I love that you're never short of things to do in London. So that was my weekend. How was yours?

*BTW, I have pics, but I shall add them to this post later this evening!*

Hong Kong: Childhood memories

2006-12-01T15:09:00.000Z

When I was little, I was utterly fascinated by my grandparents' way of life, and how different it was to life back home. The house is a three-storey building in the village, with seven bedrooms, and a roof terrace (they had 7 children), and I loved it. To me, it was like a castle, and I could spend hours exploring it.

My grandad would wake at 6am and go straight to the roof to practice his tai chi and kung fu. He was a master of both, and I would watch and copy his movements. I was small and clumsy, and he would laugh affectionately at my weakly controlled attempts at this fine art. He taught me my first kung fu moves up there, whilst the sun appeared on the horizon.

After this, grandad would go through his morning routine of washing and shaving, sweeping the floor, watering the plants, cleaning the house. Then he and my grandma would then get the bus to the morning markets. They would always bring me back something delicious for breakfast.

During the day, grandad would work the small plot of land they used to grow all sorts of vegetables on, selecting only the best ones for dinner. My grandma would wash the clothes by hand, in huge buckets. Even though they had a washing machine, she was terribly old-fashioned, bless her. Then, when the washing was done, she would hang it. This involved stringing the clothes onto huge poles of strong bamboo, which were then propped up by a rack. I would watch, loving the quaintness of this.

Then, grandma would tend to the chickens she kept, making up their feed, sweeping out the run. I would follow her in, in wellington boots several sizes too big, trying and failing to avoid the chicken poo, as children do, and help her feed the chickens.

I remember one time when she decided to kill a chicken for a (buddhist) prayer, and eat for dinner afterwards. I couldn't have been more than eight or nine years old at the time. I was horrified that one of these lively pretty chickens would end up on my plate, but at the same time, I had a morbid curiosity about seeing how this would happen. Grandma passed the live chicken to me while she went to get a knife, instructing me to hold it tightly by the wings so that it wouldn't escape. I did this, looking at the chicken, the chicken looking back, eyes darting everywhere nervously. Then my gran came back, knife in hand, and attempted to slit the chicken's throat whilst I was still holding it. I wasn't expecting this, didn't expect to be taking part in the murder of this animal, and dropped the chicken faster than it could squawk. It ran off, as chickens do, and me and my grandma spent the best part of 20 minutes chasing it around the yard before she caught it again. I found it hilarious and couldn't stop giggling. It makes me smile to think of it now. I don't think I ate the chicken that night... I couldn't stop thinking of it's little eyes looking at me...

It's not quite the same now, when I go back. While I still have fond memories, my grandad has since passed away and my grandma has grown old and frail and has lost her sight. She'll be moving out of her home soon, and no one will be more sad than she. I'd kind of hoped that she and my grandad would grow old together, spending their days in the way I remember so well; tending the gardens, the chickens, the house; spending the afternoons strolling to the communal village area where there would be other people of a similar age chatting and playing cards. Life isn't always so rosy, but I'm glad I was able to witness the idyll of them at their happiest. A simple life with a loving partner - that's how I'd like to live out my last years.

'Trust me' - but can I really?

2006-11-30T12:11:00.000Z

'Trust me'.

It's something that's easily said, but not so easy to do. At least, not if you're me. I can pinpoint the moment I became less trusting of the human race. I'm going to tell you a story. It's something that I still think about a lot, and although it wasn't the best time of my life, it's made me who I am today. I still can't figure out if I'm better or worse for it.

I used to have a group of close friends in high school - about 7 or 8 of us. We would do everything together, tell each other everything. Needless to say, some of us were closer than others, and quite occasionally, we would argue and fall out, rifts would form in the group, and at least for a while, there would be much bitching and cattiness. All very normal for teenage girls, sure. When our GCSEs finished, we all went to different colleges but managed to still stay incredibly close friends throughout.

I thought we'd all be friends for life, as you do at that time. But towards the end of our A levels, two of the stronger characters in the group had a huge falling out - over something incredibly stupid, no doubt, because I don't remember what over. Nevertheless, we split into two groups, and didn't speak for several months. I remember that my 18th birthday fell in the middle of that time, and I was still on good terms with everyone. So in an attempt to reconcile the group, I invited them all to a birthday dinner party. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was upset and annoyed that the 'other' group didn't turn up.

But fair enough, I let it go, for the sake of friendship. We would soon all be going to different universities, and I didn't want to fall out over something so silly again. Eventually, our little group healed itself - the two friends that had fallen out in the first place made up, and whilst we weren't as close a group as we'd been, that was okay, because by now, uni had now started. Everyone was getting on with their own lives, making new friends, finding new interests. Old friends drift apart sometimes, that's to be expected.

The first year of uni should be an exciting new time, and it was for the first few months. I'd left home for the first time, was making new friends, new experiences and feeling grown up. But I was in a long-distance relationship at the time, and I could feel it coming to an end. We'd been together for years at that point, but then came a confession - he had cheated on me, not for the first time, and we broke up. I was devastated. Then something even more awful happened. I still can't say it or even type it - lets just say I was 'abused'. I only told one person about it. A good friend at the time, or so I thought. This person - lets call him Bob. I wanted some support, I got none, just a shrug of the shoulder, a joke made.

So imagine how happy I was when, one afternoon, out of the blue, all of my old group of friends turn up at my halls of residence. I was surprised, because I hadn't spoken to them in ages, and I had no idea they'd planned to come see me, but I was delighted all the same. I thought it'd be a nice distraction from everything else that had happened, and catch up with my old best friends.

With hindsight, I should have known that something was up - who just turns up unannounced in the middle of the day? I could have been at lectures or out doing something else. Anyway, I didn't know any different, and we spent half an hour catching up. Then I noticed that everyone else in the room had a shifty look, catching each other's eye, some looking very guilty indeed. You know what they had come to do? The two girls who had previously fallen out had decided that it was my fault, that I had been stirring things up between them and had told each of them lies about the other to ruin their friendship, despite it being quite the opposite. There were many other stupid accusations, all of which involved a cunning deception on my part. They made me sound like the villain in a bad novel. Then they let slip that Bob had told them about what had happened to me (even though I explicitly told him I didn't want anyone else to know), and instead of being there for me, they accused me of making the whole thing up just to gain sympathy. That was possibly the one thing in that whole sorry year that hurt me the most.

Many times since then, I have wondered why those two girls, people that I liked, respected and trusted, felt the sudden need to blame me for all the things I never did, why they needed to turn all our other friends against me too, and why they needed to rally everyone together to confront me that day. I guess it was just bully tactics, intimidation. We may have only been 18 at the time, and it could be put down to simple immaturity, but I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive what they did that day, especially the malicious way in which they did it, to try to cause me as much pain as possible. What could I possibly have done to deserve that?

Needless to say, I haven't spoken to any of those girls since. One of them sheepishly MSN-ed me a while ago, apologetic in tone, pretending it never happened. While she wasn't the instigator of it all, I still can't forgive the way in which she followed, like a flea on a dog.

That period is a time I try not to think about too often. It still hurts even after years. Whilst I could deal with breaking up with my first love and getting over the humiliation of being abused, I still haven't gotten over the betrayal of my best friends. I guess I'm still bitter. I only keep a couple of close friends now, and I'm very cautious with trust. I wish I wasn't, but once burned, twice shy, as they say. But I do know who my real friends are now.

Pandy reviews her weekend

2006-11-29T12:01:00.000Z

I'm loving Lemar's new album The Truth about Love. There's something about his voice that sends shivers down my spine. I've loved him since Fame Academy, and even went to see the live show afterwards, just for him - is that sad? He was amazing though - the air was zinging with emotion. So on Sunday, when I saw an ad for his concert at the Hammersmith Apollo in April - how could I not buy tickets?! Yes, I have £11.37 left in my bank account, and £2.56 left in my purse. Still, pay day is on Thursday, and you're only young once..

Went to see the play Six Dance Lessons in Six Weeks at the Theatre Royal on Haymarket, starring Billy Zane and Claire Bloom, on Saturday. Billy Zane plays a gay dance instructor, Clair Bloom, the student. It does what it says on the packet. It was a bit slow at first, but I enjoyed seeing the unlikely friendship develop between the two characters, and finding out the events that caused them to become who they are. I had a tear in my eye at one point, but that might have been because I had PMT. Never trust the reviews of a premenstrual girl. I think it was good.. :) No, it was, but it wasn't the best thing I've seen. [Girly aside]: Billy Zane was hot in Titanic - How has he lost all his hair already?! He plays a gay man rather well - Kelly Brook ought to watch out..

HK diner for dinner afterwards. The food is usually good in there, but I didn't rate the microwave-heated, greasy mulch on my plate this time around. They had us in and out within 25 minutes, what does that say to you, when we spent 10 minutes ordering? After snatching the plates from us and slapping down a bill before we'd even finished chewing, the waiters had the cheek to say "What are they still waiting for?". If you want a relaxed dinner with good freshly cooked food, where the staff have good manners, avoid this place.

Last night, spent one hour, forty minutes battling London traffic to get into central London to see Donkey's Years at the Comedy theatre, this time. Well worth it. 25 years after graduation, some friends return for a reunion dinner, with hilarious consequences. David Haig, better known for playing Inspector Grim in The Thin Blue Line (remember that..?) was brilliant as Christopher Headingley, and Karl Theobald (best known as Martin Dear in Green Wing) brought his special brand of spot-on awkwardness. This was rather clever slapstick at its best, and I definitely recommend it. It made Pandy laugh, and that's not an easy feat!

What else? That's about it, I think. I had 2 days off and I'm back at work, or rather, working from home reluctantly today. I had a week of respite from ME symptoms, but they are back again, and I'm back to being tired, grumpy, achy, weak, twitchy. Still, it was a great week..

There's always someone watching

2006-11-24T10:34:00.000Z

I've always been very self-conscious, and as a result, there are certain things I won't do in front of other people. Some of these things are: getting undressed, dancing (unless we're in a club), and singing. The list used to be much longer - ridiculous things like not being able to apply make up or looking in a mirror in public (fear of being perceived shallow/vain). I even used to feel uncomfortable eating in front of people (paranoid that people would think, 'god, no wonder she's so fat'). Irrational, silly things, I know, but I've mostly grown out of that now, though I still have my days. I still feel awkward, knowing that one of my colleagues is in a cubicle in the loo next to mine, and can hear every tinkle.

Strange as that may be, another one of my peculiarities is singing to myself whilst having a wee. This, I will only do when I know no one's around. I don't know why I do it, but it's just a quirk of mine, I guess. Anyway, yesterday in the loos at work, I could have sworn there was no one in there. I did my singing thing, picking a song that's way too high for my little voice to reach, singing completely off-key and not being able to hit the higher notes. It was like a dog dying. Then I hear a scuffle of a shoe in the next cubicle, or it could have been a muffled laugh. How mortified was I? I couldn't get out of there quick enough! I practically ran back to my desk, red-faced and cringing. I really hope it wasn't a member of my team/my boss and that they didn't know it was me! How embarrassing..

I had a few giggles over it later on, with the best friend. The convo lead to many childish giggles about farts and poo and other such cringe-worthy tales. We're like a couple of 8yr old boys sometimes.. fun though :) My question is, can you recognise someone from their singing voice if you've never heard them sing before? I could have sworn people were sniggering as I came in this morning.. Hehe..

I took a half day off to go christmas shopping on Oxford Street yesterday. I'd hoped to get the bulk of it out of the way. So did I buy lots of presents? No... Did I buy anything for anyone else? No... Did I buy more clothes, shoes and accessories for myself, despite already over-spending this month? Yeees... I was very bad. I bought myself a metallic studded belt from River Island, two pairs of very pretty dangly earrings, some charcoal-coloured slouchy boots, a wrap-around cardy, and some sparkly mushroomy-coloured eyeshadow. I so don't deserve any christmas presents this year..

Shiny

2006-11-20T21:07:00.000Z

Since I last posted I:

have been playing with my spangly new phone (Sony Ericsson w850i) - ooh shiny!
have been playing with my new stereo - it has DAB radio, an MP3 port and feeel that bass, baby!
have been half-blind with blurry vision and headaches - until I realised that I'd actually forgotten to take out my contact lenses and had just put new ones in - 2 days running..
felt extremely silly in a team meeting when I inhaled deeply and swallowed my chewing gum, making a squeaky noise thinking I was choking and causing everyone to look at me.
had a delicious lobster dinner - mmm, mmm, mmm..
bought tickets to see Joe at the Brixton academy even though it cleared out the rest of my funds in the bank account. Pay day is 10 days away.
have booked 2 and a half days off work for things like christmas shopping. With my overdraft I guess..
started making a list of all the pirate DVDs I must buy from HK - good films that have been released this year. I can't think of very many - what do you guys suggest?

Pirates of the Carribean2
Da vinci code
Memoirs of a geisha
The break up
Ice age 2
Pride & prejudice
The devil wears Prada
X men 3

Hong Kong: The Village

2006-11-17T14:08:00.000Z

Come 20th December, I will be 80,000 ft in the air, on my way to sunny, warm, bustling Hong Kong, yayyy!

When I was younger, we would do this trip every Christmas to visit my grandparents and other relatives and friends. We always stayed at my maternal granparents' house, in the small, idyllic village of Sheung Wo Hang near the borders of China. Words can't describe how beautiful it is, and what fond memories it holds for me. Pictures don't do it justice, but nevertheless, I shall try and paint you a picture.

The village lies in a low valley between several green mountains. When I'm there, in the mornings, I get up before sunrise so that I can sit outside in the morning dew and wait for the sun wake up, orange and pink, between the mountains. This time of morning is my favourite - the air is pure and clean, you can still hear crickets and all manner of birdsong, but it is peaceful and tranquil - the perfect place for reflection. Then the sun rises higher in the sky, and I can feel it's gentle touch warming my skin and the air around me - bliss. Hong Kong in winter is rather like early summer in Britain, and I love it.

In the afternoons, if we don't already have plans (in HK, this usually means two things - shopping or eating), me and my sister will go down to the village stream - occasionally there will be wrinkly old women washing clothes or vegetables in the water. The water here is clear and clean, having been filtered by the mountains as it runs down. The river is flanked by reeds, bamboo and trees, and prettily coloured dragon flies buzz around. We've spent many a happy afternoon playing here, paddling our feet in the water, catching crabs, shrimps, frogs, and feeding the little fish with breadcrumbs. It is a delicious way to pass the time.

When we tire of the stream, we go walkies in the village. Everyone in the village has a dog - they run free and are curious things. Small wild cats lounge in the sun, but if you get too close, they'll dart away. I love walking the path that follows the stream. You have to cover up here, for fear of being bitten by vicious mosquitoes, but it is worth it. Big purple and white flowers grow where there is water, the bugs hidden amongst the green urge you to admire their singing, and occasionally you'll see things growing that you never do back home - the odd banana, guava, papaya, starfruit and even chow-chows and lychees. I've always been a city girl, but this is my respite.

In the middle of the village are some odd-looking trees that have been here for centuries. They are strange in that they have gnarly, root-like strands growing from their branches - these grow down to the ground, and when they touch the soil, they lignify and eventually thicken to become branches in their own right. This gives it a waterfall-like effect. Behind these trees is a hidden path which leads to another part of the river - the water is deeper here - my mum, aunties and uncles used to come swimming here when they were younger. Beware of snakes though!

The old village school still stands - a very basic building, where all the children, my relatives included, went to school. It's now a museum, and tourists come to see it, and our village. I love that the village has so much history. I love knowing that my mum grew up here and seeing all the places she used to spend time in. I love knowing that this is the birthplace of my ancestors, that everyone here knows everybody else, and are descended from two brothers who settled here from China centuries back.

I love this place to pieces, and one day, I would love to bring my children here and show them where their grandma and great-grandparents grew up. I'd like to expose them to Chinese culture as much as possible, especially growing up abroad, with so many other cultural influences jostling for room. The problem is - I may not get to come here this year, or the next. My aunties and uncles want to put my grandmother into a nursing home, and if so, there will be no cause to come here - to what will be an empty, dusty house that's such a commute to the city. Without my grandma here, it just won't be the same.

Although putting my grandmother in a home makes me very sad, it is a whole other post, and I won't talk about it now. There are so many memories here. Hong Kong, the city, isn't enough to keep me wanting to come back year after year. The village is what I long for when I think of HK - of sunny, lazy days - not the shopping, not even the great food holds much appeal when this setting is missing. I feel like you do when you finish a good book. This chapter in my life has finally come to an end.

Lobster for dinner

2006-11-15T14:08:00.000Z

These lobsters were brought back from the fish market last night. Aren't they beautiful? They were flailing like crazy, very much alive when we took them out. It seems like such a shame to eat them - not that I usually think twice when eating meat or seafood, but it's a different story when you've got to kill them. They've both female - both carrying eggs on the underside of the tail, as you can see in the picture. Isn't it fascinating? They're supposed to be a delicacy in parts of the world, it will be interesting to try.

There is much debate on the most humane way to kill lobsters, which mostly involve boiling. The Chinese, however, don't trouble themselves thinking about these things, and they're drained of urine (I won't tell you how), then chopped before frying or steaming. These two will be shallow-fried/steamed with ginger and spring onion. Mmm, I can taste the sweet, delicate flavours already..Does anyone know what to do with lobster roe? Should it be cooked separately or just left to cook with the rest of the lobster?

I suspect the wonderful Nikki might be able to answer this one!

I've misplaced my marbles - have you got them?

2006-11-10T14:25:00.000Z

I never get much done when I work from home - as was the case last week. Hence, I spent the first 3 days of this week frantically trying to catch up, and yesterday, finally had everything in order. And then today, I am at home again, and what have I done..? Not a lot. *sighs*

With the limited amount of energy I have with the ME, I feel like I save all my energy just so that I can work, and then spend the rest of the day feeling too exhausted and ill to do anything else. I have no choice but to work - what else would I do? But I also don't feel like I have much of a life anymore - not that it was all fun-filled and exciting before, but at least I had the option. Still, I would hate not being able to work - at least now, I can still keep up a certain level of normality and routine. Without it, I might slowly descend into inactivity and depression.

Anyway, you'll never guess what I did. I put in a load of laundry this afternoon. When it was done, I opened the door of the machine and immediately noticed that something wasn't quite right. I couldn't think what it was for a while, but then I put my nose to it, and realised that it smelt of... nothing.

I'd only forgotten to put any washing powder in, damnit..

I am 23 years old, but my memory is getting to be like my 83 yr old grandmother's. Earlier this week, I took a shower, and it wasn't until I had stepped out, dripping wet and stark nekkid that I realised I hadn't brought a towel in with me. What did I do? I opened the door a crack and shouted for someone, then realised no one could hear me - my parents were downstairs with the TV on full blast, and my sister was in the study with headphones on. What next..? Wrap the teensy hand towel around me? No, that was in the wash. What would you have done? Me, I waited a few more seconds, just to make sure no one was about to come up the stairs, and then made a mad dash to the bedroom, dripping water all down the corridor. Pandy, the streaker! I just hope the neighbours weren't looking out of their windows at the time.. *blush*

That's pretty much been the week so far - not very exciting, huh? Ooh, I've ordered a shiny new phone, which I'll get on Monday - I'm so excited! Hope you all have a good weekend! Gosh I can't believe it's Friday already..

*edit* Mmmm... toasted, buttered teacakes.. Nyum.. *pigs out*

Ouch!

2006-11-08T13:59:00.000Z

Hi lovely bloggers, sorry it took me so long to reply to all your comments - I've been so busy at work, and then too tired to get online in the evening. I've been a bit neglectful of your blogs, I'm sorry, and I'll try and stop by soon, promise.

I should hopefully be able to blog properly soon, once I'm on top of everything, But for now, here's an article I read for work that tickled me today, especially after the discussion about male appendages in my froggy post! It details the first penile transplant - boring stuff, until you reach the penultimate sentence - "At day 14 postoperatively, because of a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife, the transplanted penis was cut off". *Screams*! OUCHie..! Severe psychological problem.. his wife.. Do ya think she couldn't come* to terms with another man's member? I would be a little (a lot) disturbed too! I wonder what happened to him after it was lopped off.. the poor sod..

Hope you're all well!

*no pun intended!

Friends with benefits

2006-11-03T10:58:00.000Z

I've just been chatting on MSN to a male friend, T, who I haven't seen or spoken to in a long time. Once upon a time, he wanted to be more than just that, but I didn't feel the same way. We tried to continue being friends, but I guess when a girl hurts a boy's ego by rejecting him, it won't ever be the same again. Shortly after, he moved away and the texts and calls got fewer and fewer until they petered out altogether.

I hadn't thought about him in a while, but I was pleased when I found him online today. We chatted like we used to before, lots of banter and teasing, until he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I told him no, and he asked me why not - a nice girl like me, and proceded to list all my good qualities. He said he's with someone now, and that I should be in a good relationship too. I told him, honestly, that I'm not looking relationship right now and that, at least for the time being, I'm happy as I am. I said, jokingly, that I wouldn't mind having a friend with benefits though, wink wink.

His reaction was unexpected. He swore lots, went very quiet for a while (all the while, I'm saying 'what..? whaaat..?') and then said, 'Why would you do that to yourself'? Bemused, I told him that it would be good to have the best of both worlds. He reacted like I'd just told him I was whoring for money, telling me that he'd never thought I was like that, and insinuating that I have no morals or scruples. Then it all went quiet, and that was that.

I'm bemused, I really am. It's not as if he believes in no sex before marriage, and he's had quite a few girlfriends himself. In the past, he's continually ribbed me for being a 'wild girl' (although I'm nothing of the sort). Why does he seem to think this is more sordid than it actually is? I only bought it up as a joke - I haven't said I've got a friend-with-benefits, so what's up with that? Since the conversation ended there, I sense I've lost a friend, and I have no idea why.

So can anyone fill me in? Why would it be so wrong to have a friend-with benefits? Why is it alright to sleep with someone who's your girl/boyfriend but not a friend who knows what you're in this for, and feels the same way? I know there might be chance that one of you might develop feelings, etc., and get hurt, but I don't think that was what T was worried about. And anyway, I've had at least one relationship where although we thought of each other as boyf/girlf, thinking back, it was more like friends with benefits. I'm annoyed and saddened that I should be judged this way for an innocent comment. I DO have scruples and I am NOT, as he insinuated, a floozy.

My froggy prince charming

2006-11-02T03:02:00.000Z

This is the cute little frog prince that sweet Livvy gave me. Why expend time and energy finding prince charming when you can grow him, eh? He's been in water for the last 3 days, and I've been taking pics to chart his progress. He's all grown now, so if I kiss him, do you think he'll turn into my prince..?

At 0 hours, measuring just under 4 cm At 24 hours, fatly measuring 5.5cm At 48 hours - just under 6cm but much podgier, with a crazed look in his eye
At 72 hours - 6.5cm with very googly fat eyes, and looking like he's got trapped wind, hehe..

Thank you for my prince, Liv! He's made me smile a lot, even though I'm loathe to kiss him, as he's a bit swollen and gungy! I guess finding a prince that I do want to kiss is a little bit harder...

Redundancy in language

2006-11-01T13:27:00.000Z

What is it with people who say 'So he turned around and said ...'?! If he physically turned around and said something, then fair enough, otherwise, don't say it! It annoys me immensely. As does when people pronounce the words 'sort of' as 'suttuv' and inject it unnessarily often in speech, i.e. ' It was round, suttuv, and large'. Arghh! Say it properly, when needed, or not at all!

I'm a bit of a grump today. I didn't get very much sleep because my legs were aching and restless and it was so cold this morning. I also hate being a girl. And my colleagues in the office. One in particular actually, but I'll tell you about that one another time.

What, in language, annoys you?

Halloween!

2006-10-30T20:57:00.000Z

Happy halloween everyone! I'm wearing some cool skellington earrings today, just to mark the occasion. They're soo cute! Unfortunately, Blogger is being a poo and won't let me post pics, so you'll just have to wait :p

This weekend, I had the privilege of meeting sweet Diva, Nags, Livvy and Amy at Diva's halloween party. They're such a lovely bunch, and the very gorgeous Diva put on such a spread! Go to Diva's for photos and commentary :) Diva's house was specially decorated, as you'll see in the pics. Her home is a lovely place that radiates love and warmth, just as the lovely lady does herself.

We were all instructed to dress up, and I think Dog had the best-costume as devil- dog with glowing eyes, with Nags coming in a close second as a zombie. The lovely Amy came as cat woman and Livvy as a playboy bunny. I went as a witch - what else? My unruly hair and love of black clothes means that I am perfect as one. I meant to wear some witchy nails but couldn't drive with them on, so they stayed home.

Sweet Livvy gave me a present - it's a 'grow yourself a prince'. Thanks Liv! He is right this moment sitting in a bucket of water, and I shall post 'before and after' pics when blogger stops being a pain. Dog stared at me a lot, he's very handsome dog, and I was very flattered. Or perhaps my witch outfit was a bit too authentic..? :) Henk was a bit shy on Saturday night, so I didn't get to meet him, bless :)

I had a lovely time at Diva's, meeting everyone. They're beautiful in pictures, but even more gorgeous in real life!

Memoirs of a Geisha - worth seeing?

2006-10-26T12:11:00.000+01:00

Just too see what all the fuss was about, I read Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden. I didn't expect to be blown away, but I absolutely was, and I read the whole thing in a few days. If you haven't read it, you really should.

The book is written in the perspective of a poor fisherman's daughter, and follows her transformation into one of Tokyo's most famous Geisha. I can't explain why this book was so good, or so hard to put down, but it was truly enthralling. I guess, part of it was seeing the differences in Japanese culture and eroticism from our own (in my case, being a British-born Chinese). Golden succeeds in making Sayuri's character believable and lovable. What amazes me is how he manages to cross so many divides: male to female, Western-Japanese, modern day-1930's Japan in his writing.

Has anyone seen the film? It didn't get many great reviews, but I'm dying to see how all the characters were portrayed by the actors, and if they managed to get all of Sayuri's thoughts and emotions across on the screen. Not to mention seeing the aspects of 1930's Tokyo and comparing them to the picture I've built up inside my head.

Will I be disappointed?

I been tagged - Four things

2006-10-24T10:29:00.000+01:00

Four jobs you've had in your life
Worked in our family-owned chip shop
Sales assistant in Dixons
Tour guide/student ambassador at uni
Editorial assistant for scientific publication (current)

Four jobs you wish you had
Journalist
Researcher for TV
Food critic
Author

Four Movies you can watch over and over
Meet Joe Black
The Goonies
The Incredibles
Deuce Bigolo 1 (not 2)

Four places you've lived in
Greenford, Greater London
London Bridge
Elephant & Castle
Uxbridge, Greater London

Four TV shows you love to watch
Desperate housewives
Lost
Mock the week
8 Simple rules

Four places you've been on vacation/travelled to
Dubai
Hong kong & China
Athens & europe
Singapore & Malaysia

Four websites you visit daily
http://www.blogger.com
http://www.platform27.co.uk
http://www.hotmail.com/
http://www.google.com

Four of your favourite foods
Thai green curry and rice
Vegetable stir-fried rice-noodles with lots of chilli oil
Curried crab with a coconutty sauce
Buttery mashed 'tato with pesto and a little cheese

Four things you won't eat
Watermelon, actually, any melon
Cucumber
Sashimi (raw meat/fish)
Coriander

Four things you wish you could eat right now
A toasted brie and tomato baguette
Apple pie and custard
Pie, mashed 'tato and gravy
Tortilla chips and onion dip

Four things in your bedroom
Stacks of books
Piles of clothes
Racks of CDs and stereo
Full length mirror

Four things you wish you had in your bedroom
A sexy man
A cleaner/housekeeper because I'm sooo messy
A masseuse
A skylight

Four things I'm wearing right now
Grey wide-legged trousers
Black slash-necked jumper
Pearly nail varnish
A smile

One place I'd rather be right now
Under a snuggly warm duvet, watching sitcoms

One fictional place I'd rather be right now
On the flying carpet with Aladdin :)

Four people you'd really love to have dinner with
Richard Branson
Bruce Lee
Owen Wilson
All the lovely bloggers, eating Nikki's delicious food (poor Nikki does all the cyber coooking around here!)

Four things I'm thinking right now
I wish I didn't have to work today
It's a bit cold, should I turn the heating up?
What shall I have for lunch?
My head hurts

Four of your favourite things/people
Crisps
My best friend
Beepy
The internet

Anyone who wants to join in, please do.

Some whinging, some gossip, some weekend plans

2006-10-19T14:07:00.000+01:00

First of all, anyone who doesn't want to hear about all my ills, skip to the blue paragraph for celebrity gossip..

Following last time's unshaven leg embarrassment at the hospital, I remembered to wax this time, for Monday's rheumatology consultation. Did they examine my legs? They did not. Sod's law. The outcome of this appointment? I don't have arthritis, rheumatism, glandular fever etc. So something else is causing these symptoms. They took more blood - might as well stick a canulla in there, they take it so often..

I went to my GP again on Tuesday morning, for my (still) sore throat. It's been 6/7 weeks running now, and the 10 day course of antibiotic's only made my wee smell icky but did nothing else. He told me (again) that there was nothing he could do for me, and did I have any ideas? I said if I did, I wouldn't need to come to him. Twat.

He eventually told me I possibly have CFS/ME. They've ruled out pretty much everything else. I've been referred to the chronic fatigue clinic and will do a course of hydrotherapy to see if that helps the muscle and joint pains. So a diagnosis at last. I'm not sure how I feel.

Ever since I read the list of ME symptoms, I've kinda known it was this. I guess I was still hoping that it was a little-known virus and that a simple course of the right antibiotic would cure me of it once and for all. Now though, I have to deal with the possibility that I might have to live with this for years, if not a whole lifetime. One thing I am glad of is that my symptoms seem to be mild, compared to what they could be. That's still not much consolation when I feel this exhausted and achy all the time. I'm tired of being tired.

Work have been very good though - I've been told I can work from home whenever I need to, and they've taken away some of my more admin-related responsibilities so that I can concentrate on editing. As Amy would say - Woot!! No more sending demeaning template emails and commissioning! Yay! I can't say that everyone's happy about that - especially the people given the extra tasks. Still, am am senior now, y'know ;) Hehe..

Anyway, I've been trying to think positively and not let this diagnosis bother me too much. I'm hoping that if I keep my body and brain active, maybe this will eventually disappear. It's easier said than done though, when you feel so exhausted inside and out. I'm going to stop talking about this now - I'm boring myself, nevermind you guys.

Yesterday, the company treated us to a team outing at the icerink, everything paid for, wasn't that generous? Guess who we saw there? Only Duncan from the Boyband Blue report that he didn't look as fit as he normally does, but then again, he was in baggy. I'm sorry to sports clothes and a cap. I suspect he was practicing for the show Dancing on Ice. You heard it here first! There was a funny moment when he fell on his backside, but generally he was quite good. I was surprised. As always though, with members of boybands, he always kept one eye on us laydees. I'd have him - but first we'd need to get him out of those baggy clothes. I'm sure he's got quite a body under there..

Guess who else fell ass-over-tit on the ice? No, not me (surprisingly) - my boss! There was a lot of choked-back sniggering at that point - no one wanted to openly laugh. I, on the other hand, can't control my facial expressions very well.

Pandy is going on a road trip this weekend! Admittedly, it is only the 120 miles to Birmingham but it will be Beepy's (that's my little car) first long trip. I feel okay about driving up there, but Beepy - well, he's just a little scared. He's trembling in his little tyres, the poor mite.. You see, he's not that confident at motorways, he's only a lickle bubby. The furthest he's been is London town, a mere 20 miles away.

But Beepy and Pandy are going up to Brum to stay with their friend and her family for Diwali - how cool is that? We are very excited. It'll be lots of yummy authentic food and spending time with good friends. Lets just hope Beepy keeps his nerve whilst driving up there, the silly thing :)

I probably won't be able to blog again until next week, so have yourselves a lovely weekend, and think of poor scared Beepy lots. We'll be thinking of you! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Falling in lust

2006-10-16T17:23:00.000+01:00

It was his cheeky-ness that first made me notice him. I liked that he could be playful, flirtatious, naughty and still have a touch of innocence and cute about him. He wasn't my usual type - a bit shorter than I like them, and with an edge of something dangerous. But that just made me all the more curious.

I met up with a bunch of girls - old friends - in bar I used to frequent as a student. There were plenty of old faces, but the one who really stood out amongst them was Fabio. I'd known him for a while - he was a friend of a friend, but whilst we'd say hello and make small talk every now and again, we'd never really talked properly before. On this night, although we were surrounded by friends, we only had eyes for each other. Our conversation was full of teasing, flirting and laughing, and I wondered why it had taken me so long to realise what a great person he was.

Later on, he asked me if I wanted to dance. With more confidence than I felt, I took him by the hand and led him to the dancefloor, wondering if he'd think this was too forward. I didn't have to worry - his fingers were already entwining themselves around mine. My heart leapt as I realised this attraction went both ways.

We danced to the soulful, rhythmic music - me leaning back against him, his arms around me, lips occasionally brushing my ear, sending thrills down my spine. I didn't want it to end.

Eventually, we made our way back to our friends, holding hands. I could see the curiosity emanating from the girls like steam from coffee. With an enigmatic smile, Fabio excused himself to get back to his boys, saying he would come back. The girls went crazy before he was even out of earshot! Questions were fired from all sides, and my heart sang so much that I could barely contain my smile. Nothing beats the feeling of falling in lust.

*Panda sighs* This, sadly, was my intensely detailed dream from last night.. It's the reason I've been smiling a lot today - falling in lust, whether in dreams or reality, is such a great feeling, isn't it? I wish I could find that again... Until then, I still have my dreams...

Does anyone else have such detailed dreams as I do?

Distractions

2006-10-16T14:46:00.000+01:00

My blog is taunting me. I am trying to work. It wants me to blog.. Naughty blog..

Stoppit blog, I'll blog in a minute.. tuh.. patience!

Hope you all had a good weekend :D xx

Flawed

2006-10-11T12:59:00.000+01:00

It always strikes me odd that some of the prettiest girls can find fault with their bodies, whilst so many ugly men think they are god's gift to womenkind. But everyone has things about their body they don't like, and I am no exception.

The things I hate about my body:
1. My African nose - it is short, squat and flat, and inherited from my dad's side of the family. It results from Jamaican blood on both sides on the family.
2. Oily skin - combined with 1., this means that I have difficulty wearing glasses because they slip down my nose faster than a fat woman on a water slide.
3. Afro frizzy hair - I turn into Diana Ross everytime my hair evens hears the word humidity or moisture (remember that episode of Friends with Monica's hair?!) .
4. My right foot is about half a size larger than my left - annoying when buying shoes
5. Big calves - they're not unshapely, just wider than average, and I have trouble buying knee-high boots that will do up comfortably :|
6. My chicken pox scars - I got c.pox at the age of 21, and the scars were horrible, despite me not scratching (very much). They're fading now, but I'm still very aware of them.
7. Body shape. The places where most women put on weight first are bum and hips. For me, the first place it goes is my tummy, then arms and boobs. This means I have a relatively slim bum, hips and legs, and a weird body shape. Also, when I lose weight, the first place it disappears from is my chest :|

Today, I am wearing my new boots that I bought over the weekend. They are suede, knee-high, pointy-toed, stiletto kitten-heeled, with a puss-in-boots fold at the top, and gorgeous! They're not the kind of thing I normally go for, having quite square feet. But I wanted to look and feel a bit more feminine, and get out of my comfy New Balances. Despite making me feel quite sexy, they are causing me quite a lot of pain - it's a bit like trying to squeeze a cube into triangle-shaped hole because of my square feet and the aforementioned bigger foot. My left foot isn't so bad, but I have blisters on the right one already. I would put on a plaster, but that would only make the boot tighter and I don't think I could honestly fit it in there.. :(

The nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me about my appearance was after I had chicken pox and very self-conscious about the scars. He told me that my 'so called' flaws only added to the character of my face, and hence, more unique and more beautiful, in his opinion. Even though I didn't really believe it at the time, I've never forgotten that.

National Poetry Day

2006-10-05T21:41:00.000+01:00

I've been impressed by the beautiful poetry on everyone's blogs today, in honour of National Poetry Day. In particular, Feather's poem about her mother touched me a great deal. So I dedicate this poem that I wrote a few years ago to her. I imagine this would be the kind of thing Feather's mum would say to her, if she could.

Guardian Angel

I watch over you like a guardian angel
You sleep, blissfully unaware that I’m here
Even in your sleep you touch my heart
Nothings changed

I sweep a strand of hair from your face
You stir but do not wake
Deep in your dream, you smile
I smile to see it

I wonder what you’re dreaming about
I long to see what you see
With a finger I trace the outline of your mouth
And gently kiss your eyes

The sun comes out from behind a cloud
Illuminating your perfect features
You open one eye
And then the other

I watch as you lay there in bed
You reach over and pick up a frame
A photo of you and me
You run your fingers over the image

I see a tear course its way down your cheek
You wipe it angrily away
I wish I could find some way to tell you
I’m here with you still

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

And this is one by Jacques Prevert that I love, even though it makes me a bit tearful:

Dejeuner du matin
Il a mis le cafe
Dans la tasse
Il a mis le lait
Dans la tasse de cafe
Il a mis le sucre
Dans le cafe au lait
Avec le petit cuiller
Il a tourne
Il a bu le cafe au lait
Et il a repose la tasse
Sans me parler
Il a allume
une cigarette
Il a fait des ronds
Avec la fumee
Il a mis le cendres
Dans le cendrier
Sans me parler
Sans me regarder
Il s’est leve
Il a mis
Son chapeau sur sa tete
Il a mis
Son manteau de pluie
Parce qu’il pleuvait
Et il est parti
Sous la pluie
Sans une parole
Sans me regarder
Et moi j’ai pris
Mon tete dans ma main
Et j’ai pleure.

Engrish* in Taiwan

2006-10-04T17:36:00.000+01:00

Hi All, I haven't been very well lately and so I've been a bit neglectful of the blog and all you smashing bloggers, so sorry! I've been at home, sleeping a great deal and watching lots of crap TV, so you'll forgive me for not having much to blog about. I thought I'd post some funny photos that I took in Taiwan last Christmas. They tickled me a great deal!

A shoe shop

Kiss them, dammit, what you waitin' for??

A signpost in Taiwan's national park

Better than watching paint dry, anyday.

Another shoe shop -

Sod hoes! Steady on..

The design on a packet of lobster crackers -

It reads 'Lobster with big eyes' (- ?!!)

And last but not least, a dessert menu in a cafe -

You can choose from one ball or tow ball - or - Screw icecream! Have a muffing!

LOL! Later potater xx

*Engrish can be simply defined as the humorous English mistakes that appear in oriental advertising and product design (definition by Engrish.com)

'The world is my oyster' and 'Drink milk everyday'

2006-09-27T09:56:00.000+01:00

Hello all you lovely bloggers, long time no see! I hope you're all well and still as beautiful as ever, I have missed you all! Mwah! -Warning, this is a long entry today-

The Masters decision

Thanks for your support on the Masters. It was a big decision to make, and I almost burst a vein thinking about it, but I've made my mind up, and it's surprisingly simple. I'm going to defer for a year.

You guys are right of course, that, yes, I have a fear of failure, fear of the unknown, cold feet, etc., but since they offered me the post, apart from being happy that I was accepted, I haven't actually felt comfortable in knowing that I am doing the right thing. Maybe it is for the reasons above, maybe it's becauseI have doubts as to whether this is the right course for me, maybe it's because I'm not sure if I'll do so well in a course where my motivation is hating my current job. But like you all said, I'll regret it if I don't take this chance, and that's why I'm defering. Waking up every morning to go to work since making this decision, I do dread it, and think, 'God I should have just taken the Masters'. But mostly? Mostly, I'm kinda relieved. I think deep down, I'm just not ready to study again.

So I have a year. A year in which I can explore other options - perhaps find a different job which I enjoy, perhaps look into more suitable Masters courses, even do some evening classes in creative writing or journalism. But this will be my year. I will use it to explore dreams that I didn't think possible. And if in this year, I achieve nothing else, I'll go and do the Masters next year.

So I'm feeling happier and very optimistic right now. The world is my oyster and I can do whatever I set my heart on. Of course, I know it's not that simple, but indulge me :)

The weekend

Seema and I went to Langley Park on Saturday, for a picnic and walkies. We dropped in a nearby farm to pick our own veggies for dinner. The season is almost over and we picked some small sweetcorn, shrivelled cougettes and squidgy plums, before discovering that they had better specimens in their farm shop, lol. Still it was fun. I completely ruined my shoes but never mind. We got lost in the woods (very scary) and ended up walking much further than we bargained for. All good fun though, lots of giggles and gossip.

Saturday night, I came home to find some family friends visiting with their son. I used to have the biggest crush on him when I was in my early teens and I hoped he might still be quite cute. How wrong could I have been? He had long girly hair which he kept swishing and messing up, he was wearing an old man's baggy cardy, and my god, he should have gone to Specsavers. I had a good old giggle after he left, teehee..

Sunday

I got a call on sunday morning - my caller display read 'Seema' and I answered the phone in a silly accent, like we do sometimes. Mortified when it wasn't her.. Even worse, it was one of her colleagues, to say that she had been in a car accident and was being treated for head injuries at the hospital, and could I come down?

To say I was panicked would have been an understatement. I knew I had to get there as soon as possible, if only so that she wouldn't feel alone and unsupported, but at the same time, it was hard trying to calm myself so that I wouldn't end up killing myself by driving like a lunatic. I didn't have to worry though, because on the way there, I found myself trailing a learner motorcyclist, who would not go above 25 mph on a 60 mph road. Can you imagine my frustration?? Then, on eventually arriving, I waited 25 mins for the dim receptionist to locate the patient ("I'm sorry, I can't help you"), and by then, I was hopping with anxiety.

The poor thing looked like an extra in Casualty when I found her, bloody and bruised, swollen and in shock, even though she had already been 'cleaned up' by the nurses. I was scared to touch her, in case I hurt her even more.

It was nothing short of a miracle. She had been crossing a busy road and hadn't seen the car coming. It hit her in the hip, sent her flying through the air and she pretty much landed on her face. Miraculously, apart from scraping off most of the skin on the left side of her face, hands and legs, some bad bruising and the worst headache, she was fine. No fractures, no broken bones, nothing more serious than concussion and nothing that won't heal with time. Upon asking her why, on such an impact, her injuries weren't more serious, she shrugged and replied "I drink milk everyday".

So there you have it people - drink lots of milk and keep your bones healthy and strong! I think we should recommend eating lots of carrots too, so that you see cars coming when crossing the road (ain't that right S? :) I'm so thankful that she wasn't more badly hurt and thankful that it wasn't a lorry or a death-mobile 4x4 that hit her. I'd like to make an appeal and say - don't buy a 4x4! Not only are they THREE times more likely to kill if they hit someone (especially a child), but they are bad for the environment too.

Anyway, I'm off to visit your blogs now, so keep safe and drink up your milk, like good girls and boys. See you soon xx

OMG I got a place!

2006-09-20T16:58:00.000+01:00

I went for an interview this morning for the Gerontology Masters, and I have a place! I should be ecstatic, but why am I not?

All of a sudden, I seem to be having doubts left, right and centre. What if this course doesn't really capture my interest? What if I struggle with social sciences (being a biomedical scientist)? What if I don't pass the course and fail and waste all that money, having left a secure job??

Straight after the interview, instead of being happy that I did well, I was just scared and depressed. I hate that I'm feeling like this - and I can't remember why I wanted to do this course in the first place. Hating work just isn't a good enough reason..

Any advice would sure be welcome right now.. I have to make up my mind by tomorrow because work want to know.. Please help.. :(

If I could see you now

2006-09-18T13:26:00.000+01:00

My granddad was a great man and he was loved by all who knew him. He touched the hearts of everyone he came across because he had a big, kind heart, an extremely generous nature and the best sense of humour.

He was a simple man who took pleasure in his family, friends and neighbours. He once served his country in the Hong Kong army. He didn’t achieve great wealth, material possession nor status, but he was a great man, simply because he treated everyone with respect and love, and he would have given his last penny and last ounce of strength to help someone in need.

Once, during the Battle of Hong Kong with Japan, despite having no energy left from having nothing to eat, he rescued a woman who had been beaten within an inch of her life and left in a ditch to die. If he had been caught helping her, he would have faced the same fate. She survived.

My best memory of him is riding high on his shoulders through the park where we would walk everyday. He could never pronounce my English name perfectly, and as a result, I had a pet name that only he called me. He was a keen gardener and loved all of nature’s offerings. When we went to stay with him, he would cook our favourites every night – he was the best cook. He would scare me and my sister with his false teeth, then laugh and laugh at us. He was quite deaf and needed a hearing aid, but rarely switched it on. This meant that he would often mis-hear what we said, with hilarious results. He was a silly, lovable man.

He helped and touched a great many people in his lifetime. You would have been blessed to know him.

He died in March 1998, and has been missed a great deal since. But on Saturday night, he came to visit me in a dream. I have dreamt about him before, but this felt different. The few seconds he was in my dream felt so real. He looked just as he had been when he was younger. He told me that I needed to look after and watch out for my grandma. My grandma is now almost completely blind, getting more and more cantankerous and hasn’t been well lately. I was crying in my sleep because I had missed him so much.

I’d like to believe it was real, but I know it was only a dream and not a divine channelling of instruction. But that hasn’t stopped me from trying to figure out what the dream meant. My gran is in Hong Kong, and I am here. Some of my aunties and uncles want to put her in a nursing home now that she needs 24-hour, around-the-clock care, but I know she doesn’t want to go. How can I protest against her 7 children, at least 5 of whom want to put her in a home? It’s not as if I can put up the money to continue paying for a live-in carer. It’s such a sad situation – it seems that either way, no one can win. My gran doesn’t want to come and live here with her children and grandchildren because she likes her home in Hong Kong, but a live-in carer is no longer sufficient for her level of disability. It’s terrible watching loved ones get old.

What can I do to fulfil my granddad's wishes?

If I could have one wish

2006-09-14T19:33:00.000+01:00

Yesterday, my boss congratulated me on how well I have been dealing with this mystery illness that makes me too tired and achy to get into work sometimes. I was a bit bemused. Sometimes it feels like it is draining the life from me, but I am lucky that my employer is understanding enough to let me work from home when it gets too much.

Reading our lovely Diva's 'M.E. and Me' entry last week, I thought that she's the one we should congratulate for dealing so well with her M.E. It is a debilitating illness, and yet she remains upbeat and determined not to let it take over.

Although I try not to let it, it sometimes feels like it is ruling me. It's no fun at all when you get all excited making plans for the weekend, then realise that, actually, you won't have the energy to do it, and even if you did feel well enough, you'd be so tired that you'd be ill for the next week.

Although my symptoms are very similar to Diva's, the doctors say that all sorts of disorders express symptoms like these, and as slow as it might be to get a diagnosis, they have to work backwards at giving me a diagnosis, by process of elimination.

I can't tell you how sapping this thing is, but worse than having to live with it, is having people around me doubt that there's anything wrong with me.

I have lost track of the number of times that I have been told I need to get more fresh air or more exercise, that I need to drink more water or stop being such a hypochondriac. But the worst one? Rolling their eyes and saying ‘Stop looking for attention’. You may not be able to physically see my symptoms, but they are very real indeed. It’s very upsetting that people I love don’t understand.

Sometimes I’m so frustrated that I wish I could transfer my pain onto them for just a few minutes, so that they can feel exactly what I feel all day, every day. How well would they deal with the constant tired, aching, weak muscles, bouts of exhaustion, muscle twitching, recurrent sore throat and illness, joint pains, insomnia, hair loss, skin irritation (shall I go on..?)? If my boss can understand, why can’t they?'

'This' is not me. I wish that I could wake up tomorrow and feel normal - just like I used to a year ago. Some days I just want to cry…

Bloggers invading my dreams

2006-09-13T13:00:00.000+01:00

I had a very strange dream last night. I dreamt that I went to visit Olivia, who was having a big party in her mansion in Texas (?!). Jiali was there too - she was living in the attic, and studying nearby, and she showed me around her room. It was dark and a bit scary. I went downstairs and I was eating a huge pudding basin full of hummous (..?) which I thought was a dessert, until someone pointed out that it wasn't, and that I was hogging it.

Weird huh?? Liv was taller than I thought :) Jiali sounded exactly as she does in her vLogs. Lol.

I have been rather preoccupied with the whole Masters thing lately, and haven't had much time to visit you guys, but I'll be round soon, I promise.

Oh, and is it just me, or does Freddie Mercury look an awful lot like Ali G's Borat??

Be good!

The secret life of a bag

2006-09-10T23:03:00.000+01:00

Just fulfilling my 'tag' obligation for Olivia - Mine is a soft leather Kathy van Zeeland bag that I picked up a few weeks ago as a treat for myself. The things I never travel without- Oyster, purse and phone are obvious, but you can also see that I never go anywhere without make-up and mirror, tissues, my little Rio MP3 player, my diary, and a whole heap of painkillers and meds! I'm a useful person to have around if you have aches and pains/sore throat/a make-up emergency/a sudden desire to listen to some R'n'B/soul :)

There's usually lots of old receipts and random bits and pieces rattling around in there too. I found a lighter, and I don't even smoke! There was also a smooth pebble that I must have picked up in Brighton, a prettily packaged wet-wipe from a restaurant, some ear rings I took off last week, a hairband, and the usual bits of fluff. I could never be one of those girls who has one of those teeny-weeny bags..

I always wonder how men do it, carry around nothing but a wallet and a phone.

In other stories, I managed to submit my two references by Friday. My uni personal tutor did it in about half an hour, so I have to wonder how good it was. I've done all I can now, so fingers crossed. I'm so anxious that it feels like someone tied a knot in my tummy.

Has everyone met my newly adopted hamster? His name is Biscuit, and he lives at the bottom of my sidebar :) Yes, he's a virtual pet, but he is rather cute. If you click on him, he will run on the wheel for you. He's very curious and follows the mouse intently. You can feed him by clicking on 'more'. Hope you all had a good weekend!

That just about sums up my Wednesday

2006-09-06T20:31:00.000+01:00

If it weren't stressful enough trying to get through the week trying to do a crappy job, applying for an MSc makes it 10 times as bad. I submitted my application in late August, and I know that's late, when the course starts in September, but they could have made it clearer that I need two references by the end of the week! Where the hell will I get those from at such short notice?? I just wrote to my old uni tutors, but who's to say they aren't on holiday, or busy, or will even reply? I am so stressed out right now, that I might have a coronary any second. Especially since my bloody hotmail account kept dying and I had to start my ultra long letter from scratch three times! ARGH! All this, when I'm not even sure if I can afford to take up studying again.

I really really want to though. I have spent the last year getting more and more miserable in this job, and the only thing that has gotten me excited is thinking that I might be able to go back to uni. Its only recently that I have admitted to myself how much I want this. I might cry if this doesn't happen now..

Does anyone have a spare £4500 lying around? And two fantastic references about how great I am?

Gah

2006-09-05T14:41:00.000+01:00

I am feeling a bit better, but I just can't be bothered... You know?

Nothing of interest to report.
Ngh..

I thought it was Wednesday today, but it's not. *disappointed*

I am rubbish, I know.

Sorry.

Oh wait - did you know the world's tallest woman is Chinese..?!

I have

2006-09-02T17:33:00.000+01:00

not been feeling very well at all. I leave you with this:Not just me..?

Staying for dinner?

2006-08-30T13:35:00.000+01:00

The other night, I was talking to my friend and her sister, who are both vegetarian. They were interested by the 'weird' food I've eaten. Being Chinese, I guess we eat a lot of stuff that other people might think strange. Then coincidentally, I was over at Chez Pim's site (she's a food blogger) and was interested to see this article.

So let's test our weird parameters - what are the 'weirdest' things you've eaten, and what on my list do you consider weird? Let's see, I have tried:

Grilled frog (my cousin's wife apparently caught and grilled them herself in Thailand)
Chicken tendons and feet (pretty standard in dim sum)
Duck tongue and beak (pictured)
Pigs ear (crunchy, tendonous and yummy)
Snake (lots of little bones)
Eel and Conger eel (again, so many bones!)
The offal of various animals (inc. liver, heart, kidney, intestine, stomach)
Sea snails
Squid, cuttlefish, octopus (mmm..)
Abalone and all sorts of shell fish
Rabbit (in a paella)
Ostrich soup
Chicken bum skewers (bizarrely on xmas day in Taiwan)
Chicken blood (like black pudding)
Sheeps head (in Dubai)
Fish eyes
Sucked the (cooked) marrow from a bone of pork with a straw

Some of these things are pretty standard in Chinese culture. You see, the Chinese waste nothing, we eat pretty much all of the animal. You might be surprised to know that most things on the list were very enjoyable, except for the frog (my cousin had pond-breath, it was that fishy).

I'd quite like to try crocodile, I hear its texture is like that of a steak. I wouldn't mind trying kangaroo either. I would probably try pretty much anything, but I stop short at raw meat and fish, and insects. In China, I have seen street vendors selling buckets of large, dead cockroaches - yes, people actually enjoy eating them. I also hear that in South Africa, people relish eating Mopani worms - big fat squidgy grubs that live in dead tree trunks. And *gasp* in Korea and some parts of China, people still eat dogs. I know I will incur the wrath of all animal lovers (and don't get me wrong, I love dogs too), but I'm curious as to what it's like! I'm told that it's a strong tasting, tough textured meat that needs a lot of broiling (so my grandma says).

Even though I was born in London, I don't understand the reluctance of Westerners when it comes to eating anything other than the main cuts of chicken, pork, beef and lamb. Why the hesitance, and sometimes even disgust, of eating the rest of the animal? We honour the sacrifice of the animal by eating it all. Would you believe that before the 60's, eating spare ribs and duck was unheard of? It's pretty much the norm now. I wonder how our eating habits will change in years to come.

Your turn!

Panda's day at the beach

2006-08-26T19:39:00.000+01:00

On Thursday, I took a much deserved day off and went to Brighton. Summer really is over - there were about 3 people on the beach! It was a breezy day and grey at first, but the sun came out at intervals and warmed us up. We sat on the pebble beach and threw stones at the sea. The waves tried their hardest to reach our feet. We ate fish and chips and had icecream, just like you're supposed to do on a British beach. It didn't really matter that I had to wear a scarf and a cardy!

Then on to the cliffs at Beachy Head. Words can't accurately describe the beauty of the place. Pictures don't do it justice either. Standing on the edge of a cliff, with the wind blowing in your hair, you can see miles and miles of blue sea. Big inky clouds loomed overhead and threatened to rain but the sun broke through and shone its rays upon parts of the sea, lighting it up. It was so beautiful.

It's times like that which make you realise how small and insignificant you really are. The vast expanse of the sea always has a calming effect on me. I can gaze at it for hours.

Apparently, Beachy Head is a place where many people go to commit suicide. I can sort of understand why. It looks and feels like the gateway to heaven here. The edge of the cliffs was littered with memorial plaques and flowers. Sad huh?

It wasn't too windy on the day we went, but to demonstrate how windy it can get up there - look*! The trees all grow in one direction, and permanently look like a ferocious wind is bending them back - this shot was in fact taken when there was no wind whatsoever. It made me giggle!

*I can't seem to add photos anymore - blogger is being annoying, so have linked to Flickr

For baby Hannah

2006-08-25T14:13:00.000+01:00

I have a few posts to blog, with pictures, but today, I think the birth of little Hannah takes precedence. Congrats to Mylozmom and hubby on their new little girl!

After looking at Flighty's blog, and the lovely poem he posted for Hannah, I was reminded of a poem I wrote a good few years ago. It would have been appropriate had I posted it before the birth, but nevermind, today I dedicate this to little Hannah:

Little bundle

Warm, cosy, muffled sounds
Soft walls, completely surround
This snug little place is your protection
’Til you’re ready to proceed in our direction

I am your cocoon while you grow
Providing shelter and warmth ‘til you’re ready to show
Inside my body, you lay in a curl
I’m proud to be your vessel into this world
I imagine your features, perfectly formed
I’m your safety, keeping you warm

Into my life, you were injected
Better than anything ever expected
But little bundle of cells, you’re my bundle of joy
Can’t wait ‘til you become a little girl or a boy
I can hear your heart beat, fast yet steady
I have begun to love you already
You’re a miracle from heaven that’s been sent down to me
I promise to protect, cherish, and love you for eternity

Panda in a bit of a mood

2006-08-21T17:48:00.000+01:00

I must have PMT because I am incredibly tetchy today. Someone just leant over my desk to talk to the person opposite me on the other side of the divider, and squashed my papers with her big-arse flabby stomach in the process. Is it me, or is that incredibly rude? Walk around, you lazy biffer! See what I mean? I'm being a horrible b*tch and I don't even care.

It doesn't help that my aches and pains have reappeared today - they disappeared when I went to see the consultant rheumatologist on Friday, and decide to return afterwards. Typical.

The rheumatologist surprised me. He was small pudgy man with limp, doughy and slightly clammy hands, and throughout the examination, I wanted to giggle. It was like being examined by a lump of unbaked dough. Of course, he was watching my face for signs of pain, so I tried to keep a straight face as much as possible. He found some inflammation in the lining of my patella but not much else. I had a chest x-ray to check for infection and I need to go back later in the week to have more blood taken for tests :( 8 vials! They'd better give me a cup of tea and a biscuit. Humph.

Animals on the Underground

2006-08-16T20:26:00.000+01:00

Leg room on the London Underground is a precious commodity - we already have to travel in cramped and uncomfortable conditions, and this is the one tiny little 'comfort' we have left. So, when someone puts their shopping in your leg space, it's not surprising that you get annoyed and suddenly territorial. The lady sitting opposite me this evening, on the way home from work, in a 4-seater booth, had a bag of groceries and stores it, not under her own legs, which is the unspoken etiquette of tube travellers, but right there in my leg space. Lady, what do you think you're doing?

There is a loaf of sliced bread right inbetween my two feet. So when I move my legs, as you do when you've been sitting in a confined space for any length of time, I accidently nudge the bread with my foot. Lots of exaggerated tutting ensues and she makes a huge show of shuffling bags round, although this bread still ends up in the same goddamn place when she's done. How much did I want to stick my size 5 straight into the heart of the loaf??

All the while, she has been sniffing away and wiping her nose the way a small child does, before they know any better. You know the one - wipe with the back of the hand, pushing upwards, starting from the knuckle to beyond the wrist. I. Was. Repulsed. To make it worse, in between wipes, she was digging around her nostrils with her fingernails. For crying out loud, use a tissue!

Multitasking to the extreme here, this eloquent lady was eating a bag of McCoys crisps - not normally mind - but one tiny itsy bitsy nibble at a time, chewing each nibble for minutes. As a result, she'd eaten about 3 crisps in the 40 minutes I'd been sitting there and it was driving me insane. I sat there wondering if I would be justified in snatching the bag from her and stuffing the entire packet, wrapper and all, in her gob. She didn't even stop the back-handed nose wiping all the way through this. Who can say they don't love this reasonably priced, clean, spacious London transport, full of the most delightful people?!

Anyway, if I know that I don't have enough room to move my legs, they start to ache - it's probably psychological, but it hurts. I almost longed for yesterday's journey home, when another delightful lady put her bag of heavy shopping on top of my feet. Bemused, I watched her, and waited for her to realise and remove the offending item. Upon realising that this wasn't going to happen (and that, yes, she was just that inconsiderate), I asked her to get the friggin' bag, the f*k off my feet. Not really, I did ask politely, but I would have said that, had I not been raised to be a nice girl. She did remove the bag and I was rewarded with many dirty looks and zero apology. Londoners!

Enough of ranting, check out this cool link - animals on the underground - I don't seem to be able to post pictures on blogger tonight, but it's amazing the things people can see in a tube map.

In other news, I found some strands of blonde hair amongst all my black curls today - cue blonde jokes - I have been called 'blonde' in the past, but this is ridiculous!

Also, I think I may have BB withdrawal when it finishes this Friday - how sad does that make me..? What will I do at 9/10pm every night? *Sobs* Does that mean I'll have to get myself a life..?!

Green fingers

2006-08-15T19:53:00.000+01:00

No, I haven't had an accident with the paint, I'm refering to my first venture into growing edible things in the garden. Back in April, I bought some little seeds on a whim. I planted them into some small pots, added water and some love, and watched as they grew into seedlings. In May, I planted these in the garden, and they grew into humungous proportions. Look!

Those big yellow flowers are courgette flowers. Apparently, they are a delicacy in some circles, but I've never tried them. See the little courgettes on the plant?? That's me holding my biggest and most beautiful specimen. I'm like a proud mother! I'm looking forward to my bumper crop at the end of the month.

Some of the courgettes start to wither before they grow to a good size, but that's not terrible, as baby courgettes are just as yummy! I also planted some strawberry roots, but they didn't even peep through the soil. Ah well, maybe next year!

Not bad for my first attempt at growing things, huh?

Bleurgh

2006-08-11T12:40:00.000+01:00

Morning all. I’m feeling a bit delicate this morning. I had rather a lot to drink last night at the office summer party and celebrating being promoted. We were in the Soho Lounge and everything was kindly paid for by the company in a one-off act of generosity, including entry, nibbles and £2500 behind the bar, which meant that I didn’t pay for a thing.

Despite feeling a bit queasy this morning, I am strangely craving all sorts of food – spicy chicken burger, noodles with lots of chilli sauce, pizza, Thai green curry and meat in general. I don’t think I’d feel all that great if I ingested any of these, but it doesn’t stop me craving them. Bleurgh.

More office secret were divulged last night – mostly idle gossip, such as crushes, but also some interesting hostilities between colleagues. It’s interesting to see the ‘real’ side of someone, after the alcohol causes their mask to slip off, and you can really see the ugly, venomous side of their personality emerging. Sometimes it takes that side-effect of alcohol to make you really see that person for what they are.

Anyhoo, I’d better at least try and get some work done today. I hope you all have a fantastic weekend and I look forward to hearing about them! xx

Management edited

2006-08-09T15:45:00.000+01:00

At work, I have a manager only 3 years older than me – here, you get promoted according to how long you’ve been working for the company, it seems. I had my appraisal meeting yesterday. Normally, they are long, boring, officious meetings, full of managerial type talk (i.e. bull****), but yesterday’s appraisal was actually rather fun.

We spent the majority of the time complaining about the company and the job, and it lead to some surprising revelations. I feel a bit better about this job now that I know there is someone who feels the same.

I think the whole meeting can be nicely summed up by this:

Manager: *looks up at ceiling, inspects all the walls* “God, I really hope this room isn’t bugged”.

It makes a nice change to have some fun at work!

*edit* 10/08/06: Oh my goodness - I've just been promoted - how ironic is that??

Hamster heaven

2006-08-07T12:11:00.000+01:00

Thanks to all you guys who were rooting for little Tachie. Unfortunately, he passed away on Saturday.

For a while, I was hopeful that he was going to be okay – on Friday he came out and ate on my hand. He still didn’t seem himself – his walking wasn’t too stable, and he didn’t run in his wheel at all, but I thought that would pass. When I went to check on him on Saturday, I could sense he had died as soon as I walked into the room.

With Boris, I was sad and shocked, but she has never been that healthy, and I guess it wasn’t a huge surprise. Tache though, has always been active, happy, healthy and inquisitive. Ever since his ‘accident’, I knew that there was a chance that he might not be okay, but had tried not to think about it.

When I found him, I didn’t feel that sad – just resigned to it. I busied myself with finding a nice box to put him in, cleaning his cage out, thinking about where to bury him. And then all of a sudden, I found myself sobbing. I had gotten so attached to the little thing, and the thought that he had lived for 2 days (possibly in a lot of pain) after his accident, or that he was heartbroken over his sister, made me soo sad. Perhaps it would have been better if he had died in my hand that day, instead of having to endure 2 more days of pain.

That night, I cried for Tache, for Boris, and for Pebby (my tame-as-a-dog hamster that died at the New Year). The very thought that my nieces, who last week were so enthralled by the two little hamsties, and who are coming back on Thursday, made me blub even more. What will I tell them when they ask where the furries have gone? I can’t bear to disappoint them like that.

Ironically, I did manage to get that video of Tache doing his acrobatic trick - see here. (Thanks Jia, for the tip). It's really bad quality on there for some reason - but looks fine elsewhere. Ah well, you get the idea.

I buried Tache yesterday, next to boris, in the back garden. I like to think that they're running on hamster wheels, eating all their favourite foods, and looking down on their children from hamster heaven..

Sad news - Boris &'Tache

2006-08-04T13:50:00.001+01:00

(..This blog carries on from the one before.)

On Wednesday evening, I came home to discover that Tache had escaped from his cage. I couldn’t see how, as the door was still shut, and there weren’t any holes. I caught him and out him back in. On further inspection, I couldn’t see Boris in her cage either, and was perplexed as I couldn’t see how she had escaped either. After searching for her for a while, I discovered that she was in the cage after all – her little body was shrivelled up and contorted, as if in pain. She had passed away fairly recently, because rigor mortis hadn’t properly set in (takes an hour or so in rodents). We buried her yesterday. I was sad. So, it seemed, was Tache – he didn’t even come out for a run that night.

Yesterday, I discovered how Tache had escaped on Wednesday. He had done his acrobatic trick of climbing to the roof of the cage, and then squeezed through the bars at the top, because he’s so small. I found this out because, yesterday, I walked in to find that he had squeezed his head through, then slipped or gotten stuck, and he was literally hanging from the bars by his neck. He was barely still alive, and in a panic, I pulled him out, and held him in my hand, praying that he’d come around. He was all limp, and his eyes were half closed. I was almost crying because I thought he was going to die, right there in my hand. 10 minutes later and he had started moving again, so I put him back in his cage, where he stumbled back into his little house. I think he may have been starved of oxygen and incurred some brain damage, as his movements were like those of a stroke victim. He hasn’t emerged since, so we shall just have to hope and pray that he is okay, otherwise, he might have to be put down. My poor baby boy.. I’m so very very sad.

I have yet to break the news to Sez – I know she’ll be upset. With Boris, it wasn’t such a surprise – the poor thing has lived through some terrible things, and we knew she wasn’t too well. But for this to happen to Tache, just 24 hours later is a bit too much for me. I didn’t expect to get so attached to the little monsters when I adopted them in March, and never expected to feel so upset by this.

The way I found him, so shortly after his sister’s death – it kind of makes me think he was trying to commit suicide. I know it sounds silly, but he has seemed very depressed since Boris died. I don’t think it will be too long now before he loses the will to live either. After Boris and Tache, and my previous hamster dying in the New Year, I don’t think I could possibly have any more pets. It hurts too much when they pass away. Please everyone cross fingers for Tachie..

Since I last blogged properly..

2006-08-04T13:41:00.000+01:00

Wow it’s been a busy couple of weeks. Lots of things going on – some good, quite a bit of bad – which has left me a bit depressed. There’s some stuff going on at work which I won’t talk right now, because it’ll take too long to explain, but I’m having a bit of a crappy time. As for the rest, I’ll try and sum up as best as I can without going into too much detail, otherwise we’ll be here forever.

My grandma (from Hong Kong) stayed with us for a week. She is blind and very frail and has to have her carer with her. She is a terrible hypochondriac and all she wants to do is take pills – it doesn’t even matter what they’re for anymore. She has become increasingly forgetful now, and 10minutes later, will have forgotten that she took any pills at all, and will want to more. At one point, she was smacking and slapping her carer, accusing her of withholding her medication. How sad it is, to see loved ones grow old.

Last weekend there were 13 people (all relatives) sleeping in our house! My cousin who now lives in Japan came to visit with his family. There were 3 small children. I think I got about 3 hours sleep that night, what with all the crying and early wakage of children. I also have bruises all over my legs from playing footie with an 8 year old. Violent things, kids are.

On Monday, our car got scraped by an idiot woman who was turning right at a junction. I can normally keep my temper under control, but not when provoked. Not only did she not apologise, but she kept maintaining that she had right-of-way (how..? you were turning right!!). I was just going to take her details and move on (there’s no point assigning blame right there), but she was shouting in my ear, so I told her to ‘please be quiet’. She told me I was too rude and needed to be kept under control (what, like your driving..?) and I don’t really remember exactly what was said after that, because the red rage took over and I had a GO. Imagine that every other word was interspersed with profanity. I’m not proud of it, but it felt good at the time.

On Tuesday I went to see the Rat Pack at the Savoy Theatre. It was brill – delicious melty voices, good instrumentals and more entertaining than I expected. I was in a blissful bubble during some songs - it's funny how happy music can make you feel.

I'm going to post the rest into a new blog now - don't go anywhere - I have some very sad news :,(